Six-Point Stars and My Old Guitars
by dontcryMasha
Summary: AU. Kendall is a country boy lost in the hype of New York City. James comes from a strict Jewish family. They live in separate worlds, but will they learn to love each others differences? Kames.
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Reader,_

_I admit that the Jewish faith is a bit alien to me, just like the Kendall in this story. I apologize for any discrepancies ahead of time, and please feel free to message me with any corrections or suggestions. Long chapters! I likely will not update as often as I do with my other stories. Enjoy!_

_xoxo M_

_**Part One: City Skyline  
**_

_**Chapter One**_

He starts to play on Saturdays, where he has found a stone wall that is well suited to his panhandling. Well, he prefers not to call it that, since it seems to imply homelessness. No, Kendall has a place to live and he supports himself by playing the guitar. It's not easy, but this is the life he has chosen. He only regrets the move slightly, since the cost of living in New York City is much higher than his hometown back in Kansas, but he's managing and doing alright. It's been about a month since he hiked out to the city and already something has piqued his interest.

This place that he plays on Saturdays is not just comfortable; there is a view that he enjoys. It's directly across from a synagogue and although one might question his choice of location for panhandling, it ends up doing alright. The swaths of well-dressed people on their way to service are not the most lucrative, but rather the tourists. Lumpy folks clad in khaki and pastel colors, clearly not from the city who probably look at him and see Kendall as an endearing native. Little do they know that he's just as Midwestern as they are. Ironic, sometimes, how life works out. They toss a dollar or two into the guitar case and by the end of the day he has some cash to save towards rent and maybe even enough for a burger and a Coke.

The Saturday service ends and a large group of people begin to leave the temple. They are mostly dark haired with strong features, kind faces and well-made clothes. Kendall finds the Jews to be particularly interesting since where he comes from they are little more than a race of Middle Easterners that live far across the ocean. He knows virtually nothing of their customs but the idea of learning might interesting. Well, interesting because of that one boy.

Yes. He leaves the synagogue now; a young man who stands taller than most of the crowd. Beneath a navy yarmulke embroidered with a silver lattice rests a lush head of chestnut hair. His features are smooth yet masculine, and Kendall guesses he's around his age, (early twenties or so). This fellow walks down the sidewalk next to a very young girl and behind two older people, likely his parents. There comes another man now, much older. He's dressed fancy with a light blue prayer shawl around his shoulders. He stops and talks to the boy Kendall has been eying. The older man seems to gesticulate and express himself in ways that tell Kendall he's some sort of a mentor for this young man. They chat for some time until the younger obviously needs to keep up with his family. His face lights up as he smiles. Kendall can't make out all of his features perfectly, but he's close enough. Of all the other people for Kendall to notice, he has picked this one guy because there's something special about him. Maybe it's his insane handsomeness. Maybe it's how he appears to be genuinely kindhearted (a concept that Kendall is beginning to find rare in the city). Either way, he's drawn like a moth to a flame. There is an added fervor to his guitar playing now, as he keeps his eyes fixated on the young man;

_You and me Sunday driving,_

_Not arriving,_

_On our way back home_

Unfortunately there is a wide street length between them, and through the clamor of the disbanding service there is no way that Kendall's music gets anywhere near the Jew. He continues to play but the feeling leaves. He wishes there is something he can do to make this boy talk to him, but how could there? Once the guitar case looks full enough, he calls it a day and packs up.

Home is a crowded townhouse apartment that he shares with three other people. He barely knows them as they are all on different paths in life, just trying to find a place to sleep at night. In general they are decent folks, but Kendall doesn't even bother to get to know them. At the end of the month, they pull together and make the rent, but everything else falls into place.

Kendall's room is the loft. It's accessible by a sort of trap door like an entrance to an attic. Well, it basically is an attic but they call it a loft to make it sound more attractive. Kendall doesn't care either way though. He grew up on a farm with two brothers; the concept of "rough" or "difficult" is alien to him.

Monday rolls around and he rolls out of his cot, one of the only pieces of furniture in the loft. Other than that, there is a shabby wooden dresser, a tiny table where he keeps his laptop and then a jumble of papers in the corner. As a songwriter, Kendall is constantly going through notebooks, pencils and guitar picks. He hasn't set up any decorations, especially since he isn't sure how long that one place will be his home. He lived the first 22 years of his life working his ass off back home, but for the time being he is a drifter, aimlessly floating wherever the wind takes him. This sort of excitement is what he wants in life, so he makes a point as to avoid anchoring anywhere.

It's after 10 o'clock, which means all of his roommates are already at work. Kendall opens up the hatch and climbs down the rickety stairs to the living room. They know he drinks coffee so there is always a somewhat fresh pot sitting on the counter. Isn't that sweet? Kendall pours himself a cup and stands in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the ground. His plan is to play in Central Park today. It's a sweet place to spend the entire day, not to mention chock full of tourists. So he gets dressed and makes his plans happen.

Winter is on its way. Bundled up in a nice but old blazer, Kendall takes his guitar out of the living space and catches a bus down to Central Park. It's a fairly long ride, but watching the people traffic makes enough entertainment, and even kind of an education, for Kendall to really enjoy himself. Two heavy, loud mouthed and typical "New Yorker" guys get on relatively early, stinking like fried meat and yelling at each other. Kendall sits at the very back of the bus and giggles to himself as people go on with their lives. Going from a small town where everybody knows each other to a big, anonymous city has been an incredible experience for Kendall. He's open minded enough that it doesn't frighten him at all.

Finally the bus stops off at the park, and Kendall tags behind a bunch of passengers who are leaving then, too. Even though it's cold, the weather is pleasant. Kendall takes a few moments to wander around and see where the biggest groups of people are and finally decides to stoop along a few rocks. With a messy repertoire of primarily Beatles songs, it seems appropriate to play somewhat close to the Strawberry Fields Memorial.

Some time goes by. Kendall picks up the swing of things. He plays and plays as droves of people shuffle by, many of them that drop money into his guitar case. Each bill or coin gets a friendly nod from Kendall, which most groups of young women find giggle-worthy. Occasionally he overhears them mumbling, "How's a cute guy end up like that?" or "He's better looking than a panhandler." Kendall thinks it's funny. The way people assume is always amazing.

With enough money for the day, Kendall closes up for the day and seeks out some food. It's only 3 o'clock, so he has plenty of time to relax. He made almost $100 in less than 4 hours! Mom will love to hear about that.

There's a hotdog cart wandering around one of the many ponds. It has a line, but not too bad. Kendall joins in and when it's his time, he points at the small menu and asks, "What makes a hotdog _Kosher_?"

"The way it's prepared," the overweight, bored looking vendor says. She's chewing gum. Is that Kosher?

"Oh, um, okay. Thanks. I'll just have a regular one I guess?"

As Kendall is given his late lunch, a voice from behind speaks to him. "You are not from around here, I should guess?"

He turns around and sees a pleasant looking old man. He has a heavy Yiddish accent and wrinkles around his eyes that are decades old. Kendall immediately recognizes him as the old man that the Jew he was eying on Saturday talked to.

"Nope. Kansas!" Kendall answers with a smile.

"Kosher is what we Jews call our dietary law."

"Oh, cool. I didn't know there was a whole law for eating."

"Yes, yes!" the old man says, nodding. "You must know very little about us."

"Basically nothing," Kendall admits. "I've been here about a month, so that's only a month of being around Jews. Jews? Is it polite to say that word?"

"Certainly! Why wouldn't it?"

"No idea."

"The Jewish faith is nothing to be afraid of, dear boy," the old man continues. "With a little knowledge, you will likely find yourself quite interested in it!"

"So are you like, a priest?"

The man laughs. His eyes wrinkle in a very kind hearted way, and Kendall can't help but giggle, too. "I'm a rabbi."

"What's that?" Kendall asks. He takes a bite of his hotdog and swallows.

"Similar to a priest," the man continues. "Is this something you are interested in?"

"I'm interested in everything," says Kendall. "I like to learn about everyone and everything."

"Very wise! You seem a very bright young man. I'm impressed. Many Jews carry a sort of arrogance about them, and wouldn't bother teaching a gentile about the faith, but I have learned in my many years of practice that to truly do _mitzvah_, you must accept everyone."

"You just used a lotta new words!" Kendall says. He now finishes his food and tosses the wax wrapper it was on in a nearby trashcan.

"If I have you intrigued," the rabbit says. "I would be more than delighted to have a discussion with you about Judaism. What was your name?"

"Kendall. And I would love that! You're so nice. Oh my gosh, thank you so much!"

"Kendall? That's very unusual. It's unusual but I like the sound of it! Tell me, Kendall, what are you doing with that guitar? Are you a student?"

"Nope," Kendall says, popping his lips. He pats the guitar and smiles. "She came out here with me. How I pay my rent."

"Ahhh, a young musician. I like you already, Kendall! Here," the old man takes a notepad and pen from his lapel pocket and scribbles something down with care. He hands it to Kendall with a flourish. "Here are my hours and where you can find me. Please Kendall, come at any time here that you wish. I would love to speak with you more."

"Wow, fantastic. You're really nice, you know that? I basically have no friends in this city so far."

"My dear boy, you have a friend in me."

"I appreciate that, err," Kendall looks at the paper. "Rabbi Berkovic."

He goes to the rabbi's office the next day around 3. To his surprise, it is attached to the same synagogue that he had been playing at on Saturday. Next to the entrance to the actual building is a smaller door with the exact street address that Rabbi Berkovic had given to Kendall. According to the note, he is available to talk, so Kendall walks right in. He is immediately greeted by a warm, dark room. There is a soft looking blue sofa and a coffee table covered with neatly arranged magazines. Kendall steps inside casually, keeping his hands in his pockets. There is another door over to the left and he now hears voices through it.

"I have the utmost confidence in your sister," he hears the rabbi say.

"Well, you know," another voice says. It sounds much younger.

"I've watched the both of your grow up. I'm not worried at all," the rabbi says.

Kendall stands around in the small room awkwardly, listening to these two people talk. Then the door opens up and they come in. First is the rabbi, looking just as old and Jewish as before, but behind him is none other than the young man Kendall had been eying just days before.

"Kendall, my friend!" The rabbi says, raising his hands in the air. "I'm so delighted to see you! Come in, come in. This is a good friend of mine, James. I've been mentoring him his entire life."

"Nice to meet ya, James," says Kendall. He waves slightly and James smiles.

"Kendall? Is that what you said?" James asks the rabbi, who nods. "Hello Kendall." He looks at Kendall with a cute smile. His face is movie star handsome, with flawless skin and rosy lips. Kendall wants to kiss him but, well…

"Kendall is a new friend of mine," says the rabbi. "He's from Kansas, now living in the city as a musician. He's come to see me so he can learn about our faith."

"Oh!" James says. "Awesome. What religion are you?"

"My parents raised me as a Christian," Kendall shrugs. "But I've never been into anything much. I like to learn as much about everything before I can make any conclusions."

"A very wise young man," Rabbi Berkovic nods. He passes by the boys and goes through another door, which seems to lead to a kitchenette. "Can I get you anything, Kendall? Coffee? Tea?"

"No thanks," Kendall says. He can't take his eyes off of James. Although he's right in front of him, it's hard for Kendall to acknowledge that he's real. James has sparkling hazel eyes and a jawline that is to die for. He's wearing a deep navy blazer with a Burberry scarf tucked into the collar.

Rabbi Berkovic comes back into the room with a paper cup full of coffee for himself. "Make yourself and home, Kendall."

"Thanks," Kendall says. He takes a seat on the sofa there and falls into it. James sits next to him.

"Do you have time to stay, James?" the rabbi asks.

"Sure."

Kendall looks at James and swallows tightly. Honestly he wasn't there just to chat James up; he really wants to hear about Judaism and the rabbi is genuinely a nice guy. He takes a seat across from the boys and sips from the cup.

"The Jewish faith is almost 4,000 years old. Isn't that incredible? We still practice it today because it holds true…"

The "lesson" goes on for about an hour. Rabbi Berkovic gives a basic history of his religion's origin. Kendall listens attentively, loving this education he's getting. The whole time, James sits with his hands folded in his lap. He smiles sweetly and adds his two cents to the conversation when asked. Kendall still can't believe how gorgeous he is. Just fantastically, drop dead gorgeous.

"I think that is enough for one day," the rabbi says. "I could go on for eons, but the both of you have other things to do, am I right?"

"I could stay all day, Rabbi Berkovic," James says. "But I'll leave. No problem. Kendall? Are you going home now?"

"Sure. Rabbi? Thank you so much! This was really cool." Kendall stands up and goes to shake the rabbi's hand.

"Oh, Kendall! Of course. I always have time to teach my faith. It was a real pleasure to have you here. And James? Thank you for staying. You've added a lot of good to my teaching."

James gets up too and heads for the door. He holds it open. "Kendall?"

"I'm coming. Thanks!" He runs through the threshold and back out onto the street. James tags behind.

"Are you just going home?" the brunet asks.

"Yeah. You?"

"My mother will want me home for dinner, so yes. How did you meet the rabbi?"

"Just ran into him at Central Park. He's a really cool guy."

The boys walk down the sidewalk together. It's a calm and peaceful scene. The wind is still but the air is cold and crisp, which obviously chills James and turns his cheeks bright red. "Like he said, I've known him my whole life," he says.

"That's cool. He's neat."

James looks over at Kendall quickly and smiles, but Kendall doesn't even notice. He's a bit too nervous to glance at him even for a second.

"You've only been in the city for a month, right?" James asks.

"Yup."

"Sick of the country?"

"It wasn't the farm that pushed me away. No, not at all," Kendall explains. They turn down a corner, heading towards the bus stop. He wonders if James is actually going home or if he is following him to be polite. "In fact I still miss the country stars every night. I plan on returning there someday. Maybe soon, maybe in a few years. Right now, all I'm certain is that there is something for me in this crazy city."

"Ahh," James sighs. He looks up. "Country stars."

"Yeah, y'all don't even know what stars are out here!" Kendall chirps. He stops at the bus stop. "Are you taking the bus, too?"

"No, but I wanted to keep talking to you."

"Ohh, cool. You ever been out to the Midwest?"

James shakes his head. "I've never left the east coast."

"Do you want to?"

"Someday, yes." James sighs. He kicks at the ground. "I get sick of the city."

The bus that Kendall needs comes barreling down the road. "That's mine," Kendall says. He steals a glance over at the Jewish boy and turns bright red. His skin is shimmering beautifully in the late afternoon sunlight. "I'll see you around, right?"

"Yes," James says. He bites his lower lips and turns away quickly. "See you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

There's a tiny window on the far corner of Kendall's loft. It looks out into an alley that runs behind the townhouse. Peppered among the gravel are numerous trashcans, overflowing as they wait for the pick up tomorrow. It's not a glorious view by any means, but Kendall welcomes any amount of light into his room.

He lies on his back in the middle of the night and looks out that tiny window, catching flecks of headlight that shimmer along the back of the building behind his. There's not a terrible amount of traffic on the street, but enough to make some noise all night. He thinks back to his conversation with James earlier and recalls how he said, "_Y'all don't even know what stars are out here!_" It's true. He stands by that statement. What a New Yorker thinks is a sky full of stars isn't _shit _compared the Midwest.

Next to the cot, stacked up among scattered papers is a couple letters from Kendall's mother. Even though they're all using the internet now she still insists on sending them. Kendall thinks it's quaint and homely, so he reads them, keeps them, and even writes some back. He picks up the newest one and looks it over. It's nice to see how much he's missed. He falls asleep with the letter on his chest.

In the morning, Kendall gets up and looks outside that little window to see snow falling. "Snow!" he says to himself. The child within can't help but be delighted at the flakes of ice that flutter peacefully to the ground. There's merely a dusting right now, but the sky looks as if it won't let up anytime soon.

He goes back to Rabbi Berkovic's office that day. He hopes to run into James again, but is unsuccessful.

"Kendall! So nice to see you again!" the rabbi greets him as he steps into the small room. "It brings me great joy to see you so enthusiastic. Come in, come in!"

The short old man pats Kendall on the arm and leads him through the door to the side. There is an office within that has walls entirely made of bookshelves. Although it's a bit messy, it is quite clean. Kendall sits down on the only chair (other than the rabbi's, which is a leather executive one).

"You're so quiet today," Berkovic says. "Is something troubling you?"

"Nah, not really," Kendall says. "Thinking about my folks back home is all."

"Are you on good terms with with?"

"Oh yeah, absolutely," Kendall smiles. It occurs to him that this is starting to feel more and more like a psychological therapy session. "I love my family."

Rabbi Berkovic points a stern finger at the boy. "That is the way it should be and stay!" he says and then laughs. His voice really echoes how much he cares for people.

"I talked to James on my way home yesterday," Kendall spits out. He can't get that boy away from his mind, and any bit of detail about his life that the rabbi could tell him seems worth pursuing.

"One of my favorite young men," Berkovic says. "He's in college, you know. Do you have plans to go?"

"Not really." Kendall wonders what James is studying. Medicine? Economics? What do Jews study?

"Education is very important!" the rabbi jeers. He taps his fingers along a pad of paper that sits on the desk in front of him. "You've even said it yourself."

"I'm taking my time," Kendall says, getting comfortable in the chair now. It's a bit stiff but as it conforms to his body it feels better. "What's James studying?"

"Going to be a lawyer, just like his father."

"Oh, cool." Funny though, that Kendall can't imagine James as a lawyer. He sees him pursuing a career in acting or modeling. What would a beautiful man like him do in a courtroom? It's almost a shame.

"But I doubt you're here to learn about James," the rabbi says. _Sure_, Kendall thinks to himself with a tiny smile.

Today, Rabbi Berkovic explains to Kendall more about Jewish law. They get further into the purpose of keeping Kosher.

"We don't keep Kosher entirely for health reasons, although there are many," the rabbi says. "The laws are written in the Torah and that is why we follow them."

He also dabbles in more personal matters but only briefly. Kendall doesn't feel uncomfortable. He wants to learn. "What about homosexuality?" he asks.

"To lie with another man is forbidden," the rabbi tells him. "Many of these concepts were also taken into Christianity, so you will find similarities. Never forget that Judaism was first!"

Kendall sighs to himself. The chances of James being queer are ever further away now. But before they can go any deeper, there is a knock on the door.

"Oh!" Rabbi Berkovic calls out. "Time has gotten away from me. Laura, is that you? So sorry to keep you waiting. Come in!"

The door opens up and a middle aged woman steps inside. She smiles shyly at Kendall.

"Just speaking with my friend," the rabbi says. "Kendall, come again anytime."

The boy lets himself out of the office and steps back onto the street. Snow is still falling, and quite heavily now. Kendall fluffs his scarf a bit tighter around his neck, shoves his hands into his pocket and carries on down the street. How do you play guitar outside in the cold like this? Now he's not sure how to make money. He stands still, takes a pack of cigarettes out from his pocket and lights one before moving once more. As he walks down the street, listening to the sound of traffic, he feels alone in the world. Although people surround him and hurry by on foot, everything is somehow peaceful. There's contentment in the crowds. Then someone comes up beside him and stays steadily at his pace.

"Can I have one?"

Kendall looks to the side and sees James there. His cheeks are bright red and his lips are sparkling pink. "You smoke?" Kendall asks.

"Just sometimes," James says quickly. Kendall nods and offers him a cigarette and lighter. The filter presses between his perfect lips and he lights up.

"You have class today?" Kendall asks him.

"Yeah, in an hour."

"Oh, cool. How is that?"

"It's okay," James looks ahead and lets two long lines of smoke billow out of his nostrils. Kendall does his best not to stare at him. Judging by his tone, college isn't his favorite thing.

"You like it?" Kendall asks. He knocks some ash off of his cigarette and it flutters down onto the snow. James shrugs but doesn't answer. Cold flakes are sticking to his chestnut hair.

"My dad wants me to go," James finally says.

"Ahhh. But that's cool. My family could never afford it."

"My dad can afford anything," James says bitterly. He sucks hard on the cigarette and a lot of smoke comes out. A thin line of pink tongue wets his lower lip. Why did Kendall have to look right then? Damn. James is undeniable beautiful.

"Awesome," Kendall smiles. The cigarette runs out and he drops it onto the ground. If he was closer to it, he would have heard it sizzle out in the snow.

"Not really," the brunet looks at Kendall now. "This is weird, but I feel really comfortable around you. Can I ask you something kind of personal?"

"Yeah sure," Kendall says. Some nervousness pings throughout his body. What is James thinking? They slow down. Snow falls harder now.

"Do you believe in reincarnation?" James asks. Kendall looks straight into his gorgeous hazel eyes and wonders.

"Never really thought about it," the blond says. "I guess so. Why not?"

"Yeah, that's how I feel," James tosses out his cigarette butt now, too. "It seems like maybe, if it happens, we've known each other in another life."

It's an interesting scene, now. The boys stop moving and they just stare at each other. James's words ring true to Kendall and his mind flies far away. Imagine if they had known each other in another life. It's a reunion. A beautiful eternal reunion. The fact that this is only the second time they've spoken and yet they connect so well is almost mind blowing to Kendall.

"Uh huh," Kendall says.

James starts to laugh shyly. His cheeks turn even redder and he glances down at the ground. "Sorry, was that weird?" he asks.

"It's cool. I like people that speak their mind, y'know? It's cool to be open like that."

"I guess I'm not used to it. My family is pretty stuck up. Like, they're big and loud, but I can't be myself." James put his hands into his pockets and kicks some snow on the ground. "Anyway. I gotta get going to class. Do you want to hang out sometime?"

"Sure," Kendall says, trying to stay cool. He wants to believe James might be asking him out, but in reality he's likely just a lonely guy who has found a friend in him. Kendall offers his number, which James stores in his phone.

"I'll text you later. Is that okay?" James asks.

"Sure. See ya 'round."

* * *

Kendall goes straight home and climbs up into his loft. It's early evening now and he really needs something to eat, but without playing today he's a little tight on cash. Instead, he flops onto the cot and looks up at the ceiling. There are four thumbtacks jammed in the wood up there that somebody likely had a poster on a while ago. Kendall wonders what it was. Probably a band poster, or maybe a piece of art? No, art would be on the regular wall. If he knew the previous renter he could figure it out. Maybe it was Jimi Hendrix wailing on his guitar, or a group shot of Metallica; God only knows, it could have been Klaus Nomi in renaissance garb.

_What am I gonna eat_…

Just then, the loft door in the middle of the floor opens and someone's head sticks up. It's one of Kendall's roommates and she brandishes a parcel over her head. He's seen so little of this young woman that all he knows is she's some sort of Asian and her name is Lucy.

"Are you _K3_?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"Me and Scottie were trying to figure out who it was."

"That's what my mom calls me." Kendall gets up from the bed and takes the package from Lucy's hands. "Thanks!"

"Sure no problem."

He looks at the familiar handwriting inscribed on a piece of tape. Yep, that's mom. Lucy is propping herself up in the middle of the door by using her elbows on the hardwood flooring. She glances up at Kendall. "You know," she says. "We never see you. Like, ever. Do you want to go out with us someday?"

"I'd be cool to it," Kendall says. He turns back to his cot and sits down. "That's nice of you."

"Okay well, next time go for drinks I'll let you know, right?"

"Awesome."

Lucy looks a little embarrassed and out of place. "Okay! Um! So I'llllllllll see ya later." Without giving Kendall so much as a chance to say goodbye, she pops away from the door and pushes it shut.

Shy girls feeling insecure and nervous around Kendall is nothing new. People have always found him to be insanely attractive, which he only halfway agrees with, and in time he just lets their mannerisms roll off him like water on feathers. He's tried to use it as a strengthener for himself; observing what others could do differently and applying it to his own life. For instance, even though James makes his palms sweat and his heart pound, he can be cool with him.

Anyway. The package. He takes his trusty pocketknife from his back pocket and slices the tape that holds each side together. Inside, among many packing peanuts is of course a small letter and then something wrapped up in Christmas paper. Kendall laughs as he reads the note.

_K3,_

_It's early, I know! But we really can't stop thinking about you and know you can really use it. It must be cold over there. You can wait until Christmas to open it, but I think you should do it earlier. Are you doing anything for the holidays? I know you aren't coming back home, but do you have any friends that you'll hang out with? I'm curious._

_Stay Warm and safe. I love you so much!_

_Mama_

Kendall tenderly peels back the wrapping paper from the present to reveal a set of dark grey gloves. They have mitten flaps that pull back to make them fingerless, and they are absolutely perfect for playing guitar in the cold weather! Mom always knows what's best; that is for sure. Kendall starts to think of his reply letter but doesn't write it yet. Underneath the gloves is a tin full of homemade cookies. Gingerbread, stained glass window cookies, Zimtsterne and snicker doodles. He eats half of them for dinner and falls asleep in his clothes.

* * *

Morning comes and it's still snowing. It looks to be about four inches now. Kendall sits up in bed, feeling achy all over and a bit sour in his mouth, but hungry more than anything else. He checks his phone and sees that there is a new text message. It came in just a minute earlier, so it probably woke him up without him realizing it.

"Hey, it's James. Did you want to get breakfast?"

Kendall's heart flutters heavily within his ribcage. He quickly texts back, "Sure. When/where?"

"Where do you live?" James writes back rather instantaneously. Kendall sends the street his place is on and James responds, "Look up Stella's Bakery. If that's doable, let's meet in about 30 min."

"Okay no prob."

The bakery isn't too far away so Kendall can walk there. He bundles up well, new gloves included, and heads out to make good time. Is this a date? Snow is still falling and the city is peaceful. It hasn't gotten mucked up from too much people traffic yet and it feels like a winter wonderland. Kendall treads down the snow-covered sidewalk with a skip in his step. He can't believe he's going to meet up with James.

He arrives perfectly on time, as does James (his date?). He's standing out front and waves at Kendall once he's close enough. James is wearing the same blazer from the day before with a purple scarf tucked into the collar, and there's a bag slung over his shoulder. He looks dashing as expecting, and when he greets Kendall he shows a sparkling white set of teeth.

"Morning," James says. "It's not too early for you, is it?"

"Nah," Kendall says with a shrug. "So how is this place?"

"Fantastic. Let's go inside, I'm so cold."

The boys head into the bakery and are hit with a wave of heat. The inside is very cozy and full of people, all talking loudly and enjoying coffee, pastries and small sandwiches. One side of the restaurant is entirely tables, small, round and black; opposite is a long counter enclosed with a glass case. Kendall runs alongside it and looks over all they have to offer. Napoleons, almond horns, rugelach, fruit tarts, mousse cakes, black and white cookies, apple fritters and tiny pies, just to name a few of the choices. Kendall glances at James with a smile. "How do you decide?"

"Lemon tart," James says, popping his lips together. He sticks out one large yet soft finger and aims it at the case. "It begins and ends with lemon tart."

"Oh, yeah?"

James nods with his eyes narrowed. "Should I get two?"

"Yes please." They walk up to the cashier and James places their order. "Anything to drink?" he asks Kendall.

"Just coffee."

"Alright. And two coffees, please." James takes out his wallet and goes to hand the cashier his debit card when Kendall interjects. "How much do I owe you?"

"Don't worry about it," the brunet says. "Really, don't worry about it."

He signs the receipt and soon they are handed two small tarts and cups of coffee. It looks amazing. James hands Kendall his food and heads off to find a seat. They sit down near the window, getting a fantastic view of the falling snow.

"I like to use a fork and knife, but many people will just pick it up with their hands. It wouldn't be rude."

"Alright," Kendall says. He gives the tart a once over. It has a fine, light crust and a smooth yellow center with puff of whipped cream and a tiny yellow fruit slice on top. He picks it up with his right hand and takes a bite. Suddenly his legs feel weak and he's so glad he's sitting down. He must be making a hilarious face, because James starts to laugh. He cuts into his tart and takes a small bite. "Good?" James asks.

"Ohh man. I gotta come back here."

"You should. I try to have breakfast every day during the week," James says. He sighs and takes a quiet sip of his coffee. "I gotta get away from my parents you know. They drive me crazy."

"Really?"

"Yeah. My mom is a sweetheart but my dad is always on my case. I dunno. I can't be around them too much. We had a big luncheon every Sunday but other than that, uggh, shut up, you know?"

"I guess," Kendall says. He takes another bite of the tart and smiles regardless. "Sorry to hear that."

"It's alright," James tells him. The other patrons quiet seem to quiet down now, but it might just be Kendall's subconscious. He hasn't forgotten what James said about reincarnation. Was this like a reunion? Old friends that went back through the ages, finally together again. It was refreshing to think about it.

"So you don't really want to be a lawyer, do you?" Kendall asks.

James sighs real loud. Somehow he manages to stay sitting up straight but looks irritated and a bit lazy. He sips from his coffee again and sets it down relatively hard. "No. No, I don't."

"So like, what _do _you want?"

"Okay, this might sound silly," James lowers his voice and scoots in closer to Kendall. "Because my parents are filthy rich and I've always had a 'good life', but I want to leave the city. I want to…ah…hey, you remember what you said about stars in the country? I want to see that."

"That's easy," Kendall says. He finishes up the tart with a happy grin and guzzles some of the coffee. "You don't have to go all that far."

"Yeah, but my parents are all, 'James stay in school' and 'James don't dawdle.' I only go on vacations for like, the whole family and that's just stupid shit in the Bronx and whatnot."

"How old are you?"

"23."

"Then just fuck 'em and do what you want."

"You don't understand. My family is crazy strict." James drinks more of the coffee and scoffs. "I can't be myself around them. I can't be myself around anybody."

"Don't you have friends?"

"Not really. Does that sound weird?"

"No. Kinda sad, but not weird. Don't you have college buddies or anything?"

"Uh-uh." James suppresses a yawn against the back of his hand and looks at Kendall with a glint in his eyes. "I was pretty heavy in middle school, so even in high school when I started to get thin, they called me tubby and whatnot. Or 'that boy that's trying too hard.'"

"You were fat?" Kendall can't believe it. James appears to have a smokin' hot body beneath his blazer, not to mention tall, skinny legs.

"Yes. But now I hit the gym daily. I never want to look like that again." James looks sad.

"That's cool. I'd love to go to a gym. I went from working on a farm every day to sitting on my ass constantly. My body is getting noodly."

James giggles. "You can come with me."

"Oh?"

"Sure. I can bring guests for free. I'd love a workout partner. Jeez Kendall, I can really feel comfortable around you, you know that?"

It makes Kendall happy to know that James is happy, but he's also sad that he's been sad for so long. Kendall sips on his coffee a bit more and looks at the table. There is an exchange of silence between them.

"I had one friend in high school," James mutters and Kendall listens attentively. "You remind me of him."

"How so?" Kendall asks. This is very intruiging.

"I dunno. You're fun, lighthearted, laid back, cute and interesting. I miss that guy."

Cute?

Kendall swallows hard. Did James really say that? He was speaking so quickly that maybe he misheard him and it feels too awkward to double check.

"What happened?" Kendall asks.

"Ahhh…I don't…ah…" James suddenly looks very dismal. He finishes off the last few drops of coffee and slides the paper cup further into the middle of the table.

"Sorry," Kendall says. "I didn't know it was so sensitive."

"No worries. Really, don't worry about it. So do you want to go to gym with me now? I'm heading over there."

"Not today. I need to get _mentally prepared_, which I'm not. When you goin' next?"

"Tomorrow. I go every day during the week."

"Well then, maybe tomorrow?" Kendall grins.

"Breakfast here and then the gym?" James asks. He blushes.

"Sounds like a daa-plan. Sounds like a plan." Kendall clears his throat quickly, trying to play it cool. It takes up his and James's trash and tosses it out. They head to the door and Kendall takes his cigarettes out. "Want one?"

"Sure." James bums one off of Kendall and they light up together. "I'll text you tomorrow morning."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Kendall flutters home. Things are really starting to go well for him, becoming friends with James and whatnot, but he still has many questions unanswered. What happened to his high school friend? Kendall suspects maybe he died or they had a big, ugly argument. It's pretty unusual for someone to close up like that, especially since they've been opening so quickly about everything else. He doesn't want to pressure him at all though, and Kendall lets James take his time. He plays guitar on the block he lives at for two hours. It only brings in $26, but it's better than nothing. His excitement for tomorrow is overwhelming but he manages to get through the day regardless. Sleeps seems impossible but inevitable.

Morning rolls around and he is woken up by his phone. It's a text from James, naturally, asking if 10 o'clock sharp is suitable. Kendall can make any time happen for James (of course he doesn't tell him this) but agrees anyway and starts to get dressed. He heads out down the block, surprised to see that the snow has finally stopped. Now it's starting to get muddy and ugly from all the people trudging through it, and tall towers of dirty snow line the roadways. Plows and trucks dropping salt beep and roar down every street. Kendall sidles up along the window to Stella's bakery and sees that it's quite full of people. He's a little early, so while he waits for James he has a cigarette. A toothless bum asks for a smoke as well, and Kendall is happy to give it to him. He uses the boy's lighter and is on his way, pulling a small cart full of towels behind him.

"Hey! Sorry!" James calls out from down the block. He's jogging up to the bakery.

"Why sorry?" Kendall asks.

"I'm a little late."

"It's fine, I didn't even notice." The blond tosses his cigarette on the ground and kicks a little extra snow over it. His hands retreat into his pockets and they go inside the bakery together. There's a long line and they queue up.

"Lemon tart?" Kendall asks.

"Oh yeah, you know it," says James with a cheeky grin.

"I kinda feel like something different. What else is good?"

"Everything. You practically can't go wrong here."

The line moves slowly and Kendall observes the pastries that hide within the confines of the glass case. "What exactly is the Napoleon?"

"Layers of custard and flaky pastry, topped with a sheet of marbled icing."

"Oh, man. That's awesome. Have you had 'em?"

"Yes. Crazy high in fat, but totally worth it."

"Heheh, alright."

When it's their turn, Kendall gets one of those Napoleons and James of course orders a lemon tart. They get two cups of coffee and James insists on picking up the tab once more. Kendall has no chance to stop that, so he shrugs it off, smiles and carries their food to a table in the back.

"Alright, so how was the rest of your day, yesterday?" James asks. He takes a sip of coffee and sits up straight in his chair.

"Good. I played a little…that was pretty much it I guess."

"Guitar, right?"

"Yeah."

"I've seen you around."

"Really?"

"Yep." James takes another sip of coffee and smiles cutely. His cheeks are bright red. "I overheard some girls in my class saying something about this 'adorable guy who plays guitar in Central Park.' So I thought I'd find this adorable guy. You sound great. I've always been jealous of musicians."

Kendall cuts down into his Napoleon and swallows a lump in his throat. Did James just call him adorable? He isn't imagining it this time, that's for sure. He wonders if it's James's way of hitting on him, but he also doesn't want to read into it too deep.

"You ever try it?" Kendall asks. He puts some of the pastry in his mouth and can't help but let out a cry of pleasure.

"Try what? Music?"

"Uh huh."

"I took violin lessons as a kid, but I just didn't have a knack for it. How did you get into it?"

"Picked it up from my pops," Kendall explains. He resists the urge to cram the whole pastry into his mouth at once and takes his time savoring it. The custard is so intense and heavy he might get a boner. It's a little awkward. "I caught on quickly, and before I knew it I was writing songs. I spent most of my life back home playing for my friends and stuff."

"That's awesome," James says. "So why come out here?"

"I got tired of just entertaining them," Kendall goes on after drinking some more coffee. He watches James dab the sides of his mouth with a napkin ever-so-daintily. "They called me Sunshine, and I made everyone happy with my music. So I thought I could spread that sort of joy in other places, too. That's why I'm here. Not sure if it's working, though. New York people are a lot different from Kansas people."

"Yeah, definitely," James says. He rolls his eyes. "Good luck hitting home with any of them. But, I like your singing. You sound great."

"Thanks," Kendall mumbles.

"Okay, so, gym?"

They finish up breakfast and head down the street a few blocks. It's a brisk walk, but Kendall enjoys it. He keeps his hands tucked into his pockets and follows closely behind James.

"Here we are," the brunet announces. He holds open the door to the gym and allows Kendall entrance. They check in and head to the changing rooms. "What I like about this place," James continues. "Is how private it is. See? The showers are self-contained and they have enough room in there to put your clothes in, so you don't have to get dressed in front of anybody. I come prepared though."

Kendall examines the showers, which are mostly cells of white tiles with metal doors, similar to a public restroom, attached to the fronts. James goes to a locker and peels off his outer layers of clothing. First he kicks out of his shoes, then takes off his blazer, then his scarf, then a sweater he had on underneath and finally his pants. He had been wearing small gym shorts and a tank top underneath his clothes all along, so all he does now is grab sneakers from his duffel bag and laces them up. Kendall took the same sort of approach; workout clothes under street ones, but his shoes remained the same.

"Ready?" James asks, slinging a towel over his left shoulder. Kendall nods and follows him out into the main area of the gym. The whole thing is lined with mirrors and when Kendall looks into them he feels self-conscious. James has this massive upper body with firm, succulent pecs and strong arms. His waist is skinny but toned, and further down is two thin yet muscular legs, coated in sparse, stroke-able body hair. Kendall tries not to stare at James too much, but it's hard to resist. The brunet sits on a weight bench and begins to pump some serious iron like it's nothing. Kendall looks back at his own reflection and sees a sort of noodley young guy. A slightly toned string bean, if you will. There's some conflict in Kendall's mind as he finds James very delicate and beautiful, yet his body is firm and rugged. He's not sure how a string bean noodle boy could really get away with pounding James's ass, yet part of him yearns for it. Either way, he's jumping to conclusions. Just because James may have called Kendall cute and adorable doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. It also doesn't mean he isn't.

"Here, take one," James says and passes a dumbbell to Kendall. He struggles to curl it up. "Your arms are weak, man."

"Yeah, I know. I thought I was always pretty strong but I guess not."

"It's cool. Don't worry about it. I've been putting a lot of effort into my body." James continues to lift weights like a God and Kendall still feels like a sissy.

"Shouldn't you have a more, uh, buff gym partner?" Kendall asks.

"No. Why?"

"It just seems better."

"I'm lucky to have anybody come with me at all. My folks totally _hate _that I work out."

"What? Why?" Kendall tries to curl that weight again. He's already sweating.

"I dunno. Worried about the overly buff image, I guess. They'd prefer it if I stayed kinda lean and typical looking."

Kendall laughs. "You've got some crazy family, huh?"

"Yeah, tell me about it."

They continue to lift weighs for a while, and then James rotates to a few different machines. In all, the session is about two hours long. By the end, Kendall is completely worn out. He's sopping wet with his own sweat as he tails behind James back to the changing rooms.

_[Note: For this scene I was listening to "Look of Love" by Susannah Hoffs. Just saying.]_

"I'm gonna hop in the shower, and you should too," says James. He grabs two towels from a hamper marked, CLEAN TOWELS and tosses one at Kendall. He flips into one of the showers and closes the metal door with a clang. Kendall stands outside the stall awkwardly, hoping that James won't notice. He watches the brunet's beautiful big feet shuffle from beneath the bottom of the door, stepping across the smooth cold tiles. He lifts up one leg and the gym shorts fall down. He bends down now and picks them up. This is driving Kendall crazy, knowing that there's just a thin wall of metal between him and a naked James. Kendall takes a few careful steps over to the side and tries to peer in through the thin crack between the door and the tiles. Between three chunky hinges he sees a little bit of James's body. He really wants to get closer but he doesn't dare. Thank God the rest of the locker room is empty, or Kendall would look like a total creeper.

He sees the length of James's nude body, but the view is so thin he can barely make anything out; just a strip of bare flesh. It looks like his back. James steps forward a bit and the shower turns on after a loud squeal from the knobs. Water splashes onto the floor and Kendall tries to look closer, still about two feet from the actual door. He bites his tongue between his teeth, squinting through the thin space. James turns around and Kendall can see a bit of trimmed body hair, somewhere dangerously close to his pubic area. He has chiseled V-lines that Kendall wants to grab onto so badly. Soapy water runs down his body followed by his strong hands, lathering himself up in a tender, circular motion.

Kendall can't stand it any longer and goes into the shower stall next to James. He takes off his clothes and turns that shower on. It's cold and takes a while to heat up, but he probably shouldn't wait. Wow, Kendall's muscles really ache from that work out, not to mention the big throbbing boner he's sporting now. There's no time to jerk off, and that would be super awkward any way. So the water is finally comfortable and he gets underneath it. It runs into his hair and down his body. Kendall takes up a bar of soap and starts to lather himself up. He never thought he would wish to be in a big, open shower, but here he is, wishing he was.

It doesn't take him too long to get washed up. He switches off the water, towels off briefly and gets back into his street clothes. When he comes out, James is already back by the locker and putting his blazer on again. "Not a bad shower, huh?"

"Y-yeah," Kendall giggles nervously.

"Ready?"

"Yup. Let's go."

They leave the gym and head down the street together. Ironically after their workout, Kendall takes out a cigarette and offers one to James. They light up and keep walking.

"So you write music," James says.

"Yep."

"Do you play it? Play it live? I feel like you've only done covers."

"In general I just do covers yeah, you're right," Kendall says. He knocks some ash into the snow. "People can relate better if they know the songs. That's why I do a lot of Beatles."

"That's cool. It's smart, too." James slows down his pace.

"What's up?" Kendall asks, sensing something wrong.

"Hey um," James begins quietly. "Do you like hanging out with me?"

"I sure do," Kendall says. "You're a lot of fun. You're really intelligent, and fun, and thoughtful."

"Thanks," James laughs. He flicks his cigarette butt onto the ground and looks up at the sky. "I'm really lonely. Isn't that funny?"

"Why funny?" Kendall asks. His feet begin to walk a little closer to James.

"I got this big family, I'm in school, I'm in shape and I look good. People walk by me and probably think, 'damn, wish I had his life.' No, it's not that good."

Kendall is quiet for a minute. He listens to the sound of their feet crushing the snow beneath the soles of their shoes and thinks about James. He's insecure about himself.

"Why aren't you happy?" Kendall asks, trying to sound comforting and not too invasive.

"You don't know what it's like to live with my parents." James sighs heavily.

"Why don't you just move out?"

"I _can't_. I'm in school. I don't have a job and I can't support myself."

"But you don't want to be in school?"

"I dunno. Ahh, man. I really don't know." James stops and kicks some snow up. Kendall stays close bye and looks down, too.

"Life can be confusing," Kendall says and James nods. "I still don't know what I want, really. But I'll figure it out. How old are you?"

"22," James says. They still don't move and just stand firm on the ground.

"We have _plenty _of time. You need to focus on relaxing and having fun."

"I'm trying to. It's been rough. You know, my friend…really only two people in my life have mattered to me."

"Oh yeah? Do you want to find a more quiet place to talk?"

"That would be nice."

"Let's grab lunch somewhere."

They look around and James points out a small place. It's out of the way and not too crowded so they go in and take a seat. Quiet music is playing over a few speakers and the clinking of silverware resounds throughout. Behind the menu, James continues where they left off.

"My friend from high school, right? My best friend. My only friend. But my parents didn't like him and there was a big fight. He went back to Israel and we weren't allowed to talk to each other."

"Ohh, what happened?" Kendall asks. The waiter comes by with water and Kendall orders a Coke and James gets iced tea. The blond boy rips off paper from a straw and sticks it into his water. James sighs. "My parents didn't like us. His parents didn't like us." He says sadly.

Kendall takes a sip of the ice cold water and smacks his lips. He tries to put on a considerate face. "Was there a reason?"

"Well…" James looks over the table and Kendall and makes a small smile. "I wouldn't tell just anybody this, but I feel really close to you, so. Okay, see, I'm gay."

Kendall almost does a spit take. He stares back at James and tries his best to keep his lips together. James is gay? He knew it. There was speculation but know that he knows for sure, Kendall thinks that it was obvious.

"That's fine," Kendall says coolly. "So am I."

At those words, James looks relieved. He slumps back in his chair and sighs in content. "I had a feeling," James says quietly.

"Your parents aren't okay with it, huh?" Kendall asks and James shakes his head.

"It's forbidden," he says. "So we were fighting and arguing and my friend, Itay, gets stuck going home to Israel with his family. I never saw him again. It was terrible. My parents…" James breaks off the sentence and closes his eyes tightly. The waiter comes by with their drinks, ready to take their order, but Kendall tells him they need more time.

"Hmm? Your parents?" Kendall asks soothingly. He tilts his head to the side.

"My parents sent me to a 'pray the gay away' kind of camp."

"Ohh," Kendall inhaled. "No way? They have that?"

"Mmhmm."

"What happened there?"

"I met my other good friend. And we became a couple," James burst into laughter. "Can you _believe _it? Go to a camp to get straight and I get a boyfriend! Yeah…heh…they never knew about that."

"Oh yeah?" Kendall is very interested in James's life story. There is a lot hiding behind that beautiful face.

"Uh huh. But his mom realized it and had him sent home. Ugghh. It's been really unlucky. But, but you _are _gay?" James whispers the last part.

"Yes. I am. But my parents don't care."

"So lucky," James says. He picks the menu up again, looking relieved somewhat, and reads it carefully.

"Is this like a date?" Kendall asks. James purses his pink lips together and peeps over the menu at Kendall. "Um, I dunno," he says quickly. "Maybe?"

"Are you still interested in men?"

"Yeah of course, I'm gay."

"But your family?"

"They don't like me because of it."

"Rabbi Berkovic?"

"I didn't want him to know, but my stupid mom told him," James grumbles. "What do you think about quiche?"

"I don't know what that is."

"Like an egg pie."

"Sounds…different."

"Let's split one. They say they're big enough for two people."

"Okay, cool. New things are always exciting. Uh, but what does the rabbi think?"

"Sort of a sympathetic tone," James says, nodding as he thinks. He closes the menu and looks around for the waiter. "As if he can 'cure' me or so, but doesn't want to dislike me for it. Don't get me wrong, I love Rabbi Berkovic. He's a great guy and a fantastic tutor. Shit, I love Judaism. My religion is very important to me and I would never denounce it. I just think the whole 'homosexuality is bad' thing is a bit outdated."

"Yeah, makes sense," Kendall says. The waiter comes back finally and they put in their order for the quiche. "Sorry your parents are mad about it."

"Eh, I'm dealing with it. Just trying to figure out what I'll do."

"You'll manage. There's always a way," Kendall says quite confidently. "Gotta find what makes you happy." James stares across the table at Kendall and smiles.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"It doesn't really seem _fair_. I mean, excuse me for being judgmental and I don't wanna sound rude, but how can you believe it's wrong to love another man?"

Kendall sits in the office with Rabbi Berkovic discussing the sexuality issues that have been plaguing him. The rabbi folds his hands upon the desk and nods. "I understand your concerns, Kendall," he says. "And I believe the struggles you face stem from a lack of knowledge. You have been discussing this with James, haven't you?"

"Yeah," Kendall admits. For a moment he's afraid that Rabbi Berkovic will tell James's family that he's involved with another man again. "But I'm not interested in him like that," he says quickly.

"James is a favorite person of mine, that is for sure, but he's been struggling with his sexuality a long time. I don't know when he'll resist his homosexual inclinations, but it certainly worries me.

"You see, Judaism condemns all _hotza'at zera levatalah, _or wasting or semen. Forgive me for using such terms but masturbation, homosexual acts between two men; these involve the expulsion of semen and we do not allow such things."

"You can't _masturbate_?" Kendall asks.

"That is correct."

"But if it doesn't involve 'expulsion of semen' then it's okay?"

"Yes."

"So two women could have sex."

"It is debated. Many rabbis still look negatively upon it, but if you look at it strictly from the scriptures, nothing is said against it."

"Isn't that kind of silly?"

"It is our faith," the rabbi says with a shrug. "We've been doing it this way for thousands of years. It's worked well for us and continues to do so."

"Hmm," Kendall sighs. He sits back in the chair and considers all of this deeply.

"Have you been guilty of these homosexual thoughts?" the rabbi asks, but Kendall chooses not to answer. "There is nothing wrong with having them, but _acting _upon them is shameful. In fact, there is a lot of strength to be found in the man who feels that way but refuses to explore it."

Ironic as it may seem, Kendall's mind is on James during this discussion. He's been hung up on the shard of bare flesh he saw through the shower stall at the gym and he constantly tries to recreate the image in his thoughts.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you listening, son?"

"Yeah."

"So has he? Has James been influencing you negatively?"

"No, not at all. Actually," Kendall clears his throat. "Actually I didn't really know if he was gay or what. He was just talking about it, that's all."

"Oh, I see. I apologize if I have accused you wrongly."

"No problem."

"Now I have another coming soon, so would you like to pick up here at a later time?"

"Sure. Would love to."

Kendall gets up, says goodbye to the rabbi and heads off to a place to play. He carries his bulking guitar alongside as he tramples through the mushy snow. It's still quite tall and powdery along the untouched patches of grass here and there, but for the majority of the city it's been walked on too much to be anything more than brown goo. If business men and college students haven't carried their shoes across it then some rowdy children have found time to muck it up.

Armed with his fingerless gloves, Kendall sets up on a low rock wall in Central Park. He lays the open guitar case out by his feet and begins to play. One by one, people approach him, sometimes very shy and with looks on their faces as if he would bite if they get too close, drop in a few dollar bills. Everyone gets a smile from Kendall yet they still run off guilty or awkward. At the end of _The Fool on the Hill_, a young girl runs up to him with her arms locked behind her back. She's maybe 12 years old and her parents are a few feet away.

"Hi, ummm, mister?" the girl asks. Kendall sets the guitar down and says, smiling warmly, "Yeah?"

"Do you know, ummm," she suddenly flips her head back to her parents and yells, "WHAT WAS THE SONG CALLED AGAIN?"

"Yesterday," the father calls out in a loud whisper, and then the girl looks back at Kendall with her sharp blue eyes. "Yesterday," she says clumsily.

"Ah, yeah of course," Kendall says. The kid blushes and runs back to her parents like a bullet train. Kendall laughs to himself and begins to play a song that he knows very, very well.

_Yesterday_

_All my troubles seemed so far away_

_Now it looks as though they're here to stay_

_Oh, I believe in yesterday_

The couple with the kid sticks around and listens to the song, rocking back and forth on their heels from being too cold. The song must have some special meaning to them, somehow, as they have a nostalgic glow on their faces that the girl doesn't even notice. Kendall wonders what their story is.

Almost at the end of the song, Kendall is suddenly struck in the back of the head with something. WAM! He stops playing and looks back, readjusting his beanie to fit his skull better from being moved. James is standing a few feet away, tossing another snowball up and down in his right hand.

"Dude!" Kendall calls out. "Let me finish next time?"

James sticks out his tongue and hurls the next snowball right onto Kendall's forehead. WAM! It clears his hat entirely off of his head. Kendall rolls his eyes and puts the guitar away. "Gimme a sec," he says but probably not loud enough for James to hear. While he's crouched next to the guitar case, hiding behind the stone barrier, he flips down the mitten parts of his gloves and hastily packs together a few snowballs. At once he stands up quickly and begins hurling them at his friend. James squeals and goes running.

"Hey!" Kendall yells and starts to pursue him.

"Not in the faaaace!" James shouts over his shoulder. The Jew gains some good distance and scoops up some snow with his hands. As he runs, he packs them together and suddenly turns around and begins tossing them at Kendall. WAM! WAM! They smack Kendall in the chest and he runs back the other direction. James chases him at a very fast pace and Kendall tries his best to not let him catch up. They zoom passed a group of people playing Frisbee, a couple young kids trying to make snowmen and an elderly couple going for a walk.

Tomfoolery has played an active role in Kendall's life, but as he's running he realizes that James probably hasn't had this much fun in a long time. His parents don't like him being himself, so the chances of them pressuring him into being more "adult" builds up a desire to be childish. But Kendall doesn't mind. It's fun.

They run across a sidewalk that's been carelessly shoveled and back onto more virgin snow. James is catching up to him quickly now, with an almost sadistic look on his face. Kendall sees a large stump hiding under the white powder, leaps over it and says, "Hey, watch out for that—"

Too late!

BOOM!

James trips over the stump and goes flying headfirst into Kendall. He pushes him full force onto the ground and Kendall falls into the snow on his back with a painful thud. James lands on his chest. All at once the joy is gone and the world falls quiet.

"Owww," Kendall moans, wincing. The back of his head hurts like shit. "You okay?" he asks James, who has straddled his waist with their chests pressed together. The brunet lifts his hand and brushes some stray snow off of Kendall's cheek, propping his chin up on Kendall's sternum.

"You okay?" Kendall asks again, trying to not think about James's body against his. The dark haired boy gazes up at Kendall with a coy smile, then his cheeks begin to light up and he bites down on his lower lip softly. The lack of talking makes Kendall a little nervous. A bit of cool breeze rushes by and James's short hair rustles in it.

"Are you going to go away?" James asks out of the blue.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Like, are you going to move back to Kansas soon?"

"I dunno. Someday, yeah. Why?"

James's face turns sad now and he looks down at Kendall's chest. His hands fall onto the blonde's shoulders cup them gently, still surrounded by cold snow. "Every guy I've liked always gets taken away from me," he mumbles.

"It's called life, I guess," Kendall says. He realizes that his statement wasn't very helpful. "Sorry. I mean, ugh. I don't know."

"You _have_ to go home?" James asks sadly.

"Maybe not for a few years? I have no idea. It depends how things work out for me."

"Ohh," the brunet sighs.

"Wait," Kendall says. "Then you like me, right?"

"Yes. Is…that okay?" James darts his eyes far away from Kendall. It's sort of hard to deny liking a guy when you're lying on top of him, anyway.

"Uh huh. It's fine. I like you, too."

"How much?" the dark haired boy asks.

"Er. A lot, I guess?" Kendall smiles nervously. It's kind of cute how immature James acts around him, knowing that he can be very responsible and adult-like when need be.

James lets his fingers wander up from Kendall's shoulders and onto his cheeks. He cups both sides of the blond boy's face and slowly pulls himself close. Kendall's heart begins to race. It happens slowly but he knows what's coming and he refuses to stop it. James closes his eyes, showing off the thick, long eyelashes that God gave him, tilts his head to the side and kisses Kendall right on the lips. Even though it's a tame, closed mouth kiss, Kendall closes his eyes and savors the sensation. But just as quickly as it happened, James pulls away and rolls off of Kendall so that they're both on their backs. Staring up at the cloudy sky, James says, "Sorry."

Kendall still has his eyes closed and really wants to feel the other boy against him again. "Why sorry?" he asks.

"I've been wanting to do that since I saw you," James mumbles.

"Why sorry?"

"I didn't ask if I could."

"That's alright." Kendall opens his eyes and turns his head to see James. "It was nice."

"Do you…wanna do it again?" James asks quietly.

Kendall doesn't say anything, but he climbs up onto James's chest, just like they had been before only reversed. He puts his gloved hands on James's face and pulls him in for a kiss. At first their lips are cold, but as a thin sliver of Kendall's tongue presses its way into the other boy's mouth, they grow warm and even hot. Writhing with enjoyment, James winds his arms around Kendall's waist and presses their bodies even closer, digging deeper into the kiss with every second. It becomes sloppier and sloppier, making wet noises and a few scattered moans from both of them and they soon find themselves quite caught up in it. James moves his hands from Kendall's waist and up to the back of his head. He pulls his face to the crook of his neck. His mouth goes up Kendall's ear and he whispers, "Do you think we're going to hell?"

"What do you mean? Why would you say that?" Kendall whispers back. He nuzzles against James as he does, too, taking in the aroma near his neck.

"Because we're gay and doing gay stuff," James said.

"How would you go to hell if you believe in reincarnation?"

James moves his head back to look Kendall in the eyes. He seems to have inspiration on his face. "I never thought of it like that before," he states.

"Well yeah, come on. If we're born again and again then there is no hell. That doesn't make sense. I guess if we do things wrong, we just figure it out in the next life?"

"You think about this stuff a lot?"

"Not _really_," Kendall says. "But it comes naturally I guess." He gives James another kiss on the lips and tries to smile.

"Anyway," James says, diverted everything all of the sudden. "What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

"Was gonna go to the store and get some food. Play more. I guess that's it. Early night."

"Hmmmm, okay."

"What 'bout you?" Kendall asks. He gets off of James and gives him a helping hand up. They both get on their feet and brush any extra snow off of themselves.

"I have a lot of homework."

"Alright. Well, if you don't mind," Kendall says, smiling. "I'm gonna get my guitar home and uh, go home. Haha. You know."

"Cool." James looks down and kicks at the snow. "I'll see you later." Suddenly the Jew seems sheepish and reserved. He smiles cutely at Kendall and starts walking away, waving weakly.

"Wait," Kendall interjects. "You wanna hang out after you're done?"

James looks at him and giggles. "Yeah. I'll give you a call. Okay?"

* * *

_Dear Mom,_

_I met an awesome guy. He's really cute and smart and fun. We talk about religion and all sorts of things. But you know, he has some problems; his family doesn't approve of his sexuality. They're _too _religious and it's caused a lot of pain and stress in his life. What do I do? I can't meet his folks, 'cause they'll be angry with me. Mom, I need advice. You've always helped out in the past. I like this guy an awful lot and I want to make him happy, but how do we get around his family?_

_Love always_

_K3_

Kendall finishes a letter to his mom and seals it inside an envelope. He knows he can always, _always _count on her for help. She's been supportive of everything he's done, even his first boyfriend. With the letter ready to go, Kendall puts it on his dressed and lays back on the cot. As he waits for James's phone call, his thoughts wander back to the first boyfriend.

Logan.

He loved that boy. He still loves him. He always will. Logan hasn't gone anywhere, it was Kendall that moved. After dating for two years, they decided it would be better just as friends and it stayed that way up until he went to New York City. Actually they remained friends; Kendall leaving didn't change that.

They shared a lot of firsts together; kisses, sex, drinking, pot, staying up all night, romantic whispers under the midnight sky, video games until their hands went numb. Oh, yeah. Those were the days. Kendall recalls the first kiss in particular.

Logan is a short boy with fair skin and dark hair, not to mention an adorable set of dimples and rich, chocolate eyes. They grew up together as their parents were all good friends. Every holiday, neighborhood gathering and sporting event was spent with Logan and his family. Even before they had sexual thoughts about anybody, Kendall and Logan were so close that there were no boundaries. They could go to the bathroom around each other. They could share all of their most secret feelings. That's how they became involved romantically.

During their senior year of high school, Logan was staying late after 8th period to work on a science project. He was always a total nerd and loved schoolwork. Now, Kendall knew Logan liked boys and Logan knew that Kendall did, too; but throughout school they had been single. It never really came up in conversation. They were somehow oblivious to the potentially amazing love that was right under their noses.

So Kendall wanted to go skateboarding and was waiting at the back entrance to the school. It was a very small school but the science labs were at the back. He waited and waited, standing with his back against the brick wall and his skateboard propped up next to him. Finally after what felt like an hour, (but was really more like 20 minutes) Logan came out of the doors and flagged Kendall down.

"Sorry," he said.

"It's cool. Got everything done?"

"Yeah," Logan flashed an adorable smile and headed away from the school. Kendall grabbed his skateboard and followed him.

They went down the sidewalk for about half a mile when suddenly Logan turned to Kendall and said, "We're gonna be done with school in two months, man."

"Yeah, I know. Isn't it crazy?" Kendall chewed a piece of gum in the side of his mouth.

"It's kinda _scary_."

"Not really."

"I dunno. Feels like it to me!" Logan laughed nervously. "And I've been single the whole time."

"You didn't have to be," Kendall said.

"What do you mean?"

"You could've come out."

"But I don't wanna."

"Then don't complain," Kendall teased and stuck his tongue out at Logan. They took a short set of stairs up to a blacktop where Kendall threw down his skateboard and rolled across to the other end. Logan followed. The whirling of their skateboards' wheels echoed across the empty park.

"I guess I've been feeling extra lonely," Logan admitted. He caught up to Kendall and stopped rolling. Kendall looked over his shoulder at Logan and winced. The heavy afternoon sun shone brightly down on Logan's face, casting a thin shadow of him on the ground. He stood there like an angel. A lonely, beautiful angel. That was when it occurred to Kendall that he loved him.

Kendall hopped off of his skateboard and suddenly threw his arms around his friend, who didn't resist him at all. They embraced on the edge of the blacktop for a few moments when suddenly Kendall leaned down and kissed Logan on the lips. From that moment on, they were a couple.

Still staring at the ceiling, Kendall smiles to himself as he reminisces about that guy. They had no regrets together. For what it was worth, the relationship had been great, it's just they were young and most first boyfriends don't stay.

The sun is down now and Kendall gets a call from James. "Hey," he says when he picks up the phone.

"What's up?" James asked.

"Not much. Just hanging out by myself. You done with homework?"

"Yes. Would you like to grab dinner or something?"

"Sure, dinner is cool. Where?"

"Heard of Finelli's? It's just down the block from you."

"Nah, but I can look it up. Is that Italian food?"

"The best. Want to meet in like, 15?"

"Okay, cool. I'll see ya then."

Kendall hangs up the phone and prepares himself for the dinner date. Wow! He's been going to all sorts of places with James. But he does feel sort of bad about spending his money. Then again, James is the one who offers, and Kendall really can't afford any of it so it all works out. He runs a comb through his short hair, throws on his blazer and hops down the loft door.

Finelli's is real close he finds out, so he doesn't have to take a bus or anything. As he walks down the almost clear sidewalk, he glances up at the sky and thinks it might snow some more. The city lights are creating that heavy, red haze that usually means the clouds are pregnant.

He knows he's almost at the restaurant because he can see a neon sign with the name at the end of the block. His heart is full of love for James. Yes, love. It's not a romantic love yet, but Kendall knows a lot about caring for people and he can tell what he feels for James. It's only been a few days, but the vibe truly is like they've known each other for centuries. When their lips met in the park, it did not feel like the first kiss, but a long awaited reunion.

James arrives at the restaurant first and hangs around out front. Kendall, from across the streets, waves at him but James doesn't notice. He takes out his phone and texts him something cute like, "I can see you ;)" James jumps from receiving the message, obviously, and smiles as he reads it.

Just before Kendall crosses the street, he hears people come up behind him. Thinking it's just various pedestrians, he steps a little out of their way, but they get closer. Suddenly, someone grabs Kendall by the arm and two big gloved hands snatch the phone right out of his grasp.

"HEY!" Kendall shouts. He turns around and sees two tall punks glaring at him.

"What else ya got?" one of them asks. They have balaclavas over their faces and he can't identify them at all, other than one has a black hoodie and the other is wearing a long, dark green trench coat (probably not the best decision).

"That's all," Kendall says nervously. The one in the hoodie twists up Kendall's noodley arm and he lets out a cry, and then the other guy says, "Bullshit, where's your wallet at?"

"I don't _have _any money, honest!" Kendall cries out. The guy in the trench coat starts to pat Kendall down all over, and the blonde's instant reaction is to resist. He writhes about and starts screaming, then the robber in the hoodie punches his square in the eye. Kendall falls down onto his back and crashes against a streetlamp. He whimpers in pain as the two thugs tower over him.

Then, someone shouts from across the street. He hears heavy footsteps running through the traffic and a car honks its horn. James jumps into Kendall's field of vision and starts beating the shit out of Kendall's assailants. His fists throw punch after punch into their faces until they scamper off like scared little animals. They throw Kendall's cellphone to the ground, shattering the screen into a million annoying pieces.

"Oh, God!" James yells. His fists are bleeding and he collapses next to Kendall. "Your eye," James says. He takes Kendall into his arms and stares down at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Kendall coughs. "Wasn't that bad. They got one good hit, that's all. That happens just in the middle of the street?"

"Sometimes…oh, God," James cries out. He holds Kendall tenderly. "I need to call the police, hang tight."

What was going to be a wonderful evening with his current favorite person ends up being a total nightmare. NYPD shows up along with some EMTs to whom Kendall insists he's "perfectly fine, other than this black eye." James gets bandaged up and they fill out a bunch of reports. It takes a whole lot of time and Kendall is exhausted by the end of it. He's mentally strong enough to be unfazed by the mugging, but the fact that he couldn't defend himself bothers him a lot.

Finally the cops clear out and Kendall is left on the side of the road with James. They sit on the muddy curb and sigh together after lighting up two cigarettes.

"I just wanna go home," Kendall says, exhaling a long stream of tired smoke.

"I'm going to be in so much trouble," James moans.

"Why?"

"Because of my hands."

"You were protecting someone."

"Yeah, and I can't lie or anything. I would like to tell them that I saved some woman or whatever, but my dad will look into the report and figure out all of the names and everything." James sighs real loud. "Can I crash with you?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

James and Kendall are on high alert while they walk down the street towards the townhouse apartment, keeping their eyes peeled for any movement or sign of the thugs returning. The snowy footprints all over the sidewalk begin to crunch as the winter air freezes the water just a bit. Despite the attack, walking home with James is very pleasant, but Kendall wonders what sort of secret motive he has when it comes to staying with him. Isn't this all moving awful fast? Does he plan on having sex with him? Kendall prefers to get to know a guy better than that before he does the dirty deed.

"My room is small," Kendall says, still wincing from the pain in his eye. "I don't have alotta space."

"That doesn't matter to me," James tells him. "I just_ really_ can't deal with my folks now. I'll tell them I was out drinking with guys from class and I got too drunk to make it home."

"And somehow that's better than sleeping with another dude?" Kendall asks. He shakes his head and can't help but laugh. A flicker of humor touches James's face, but an overall resonance of sadness, and maybe a hint of shame, hangs around. "To them, yes," he says. "They wouldn't like either too much, but at least I won't get exiled for partying."

"_Do _you party?" Kendall asks.

"Not exactly. I'll throw back a couple beers or a glass of wine but that's it."

Kendall slows down and points. "Here it is," he says. James follows him up four little steps and through the front door. It's a divided townhouse apartment, and as you walk in there's another residence on the bottom floor and then a tall staircase to the right that goes to Kendall's place. They take the steps all the way up and Kendall unlocks the door. That opens to a sort of mud room that splits off to the kitchen, which has a dining room attached, then a long hallway with a few closed off doors.

"This way," Kendall says, signaling for James to follow down the hallway. They pass the living room and then a closed bedroom door. At the end of the hallway is a door to the porch and then another stairway that parallels the one on the first floor. Kendall and James hike up to the top, where there is another bedroom and of course the loft latch.

"Up _there_?" James asks.

"Yeah. Is that okay?" Kendall reaches up and snags the little loop of rope to pull down the trapdoor. The rickety stairs unfold and Kendall begins to climb up them. James nervously follows behind. "Can it support our weight?" he asks.

"Yeah, it's cool. Don't worry." The blond mounts onto the floor of his loft and gets to his feet. James follows and does the same. Kendall flicks on the light in the center of the ceiling and opens his arms, displaying the room. "Well here it is," he says. "It's small, I told ya."

"I like it. It's cozy." James takes off his blazer and scarf and hangs it over a chair that Kendall has in the corner.

"How're your hands?" Kendall asks.

"Well," James makes fists and looks both of the bandages. "Not great, but they'll be better soon. The wounds are pretty superficial. I think I'll be bruised for a bit, but the bleeding is all just some skin that's been scraped off of the surface. Not such a big deal."

"Hmmm, well okay. Do you need anything for it?" Kendall asks as he goes to his dresser and takes a couple aspirin pills from a bottle. He swallows them without anything.

"I don't think so," James says.

"Alright. Um, so my bed is pretty small." Kendall points at the cot, which is barely wide enough to fit both of them.

"That's alright. We can squeeze." The words roll out of James's mouth so nonchalantly, yet Kendall double takes at them. They _are _going to sleep in the same bed. He pulls off his sweater and reveals a black tank top. Kendall wants to look, but he's afraid he will gawk too much so he looks away. He turns to face the tiny window and starts to take his own clothes off. He strips down to a thin t-shirt and boxers, and when he turns around to see James he's only in that tank top and clingy grey boxer briefs he almost loses it. So much for staying cool.

"Um, so," Kendall stutters, hobbling over to the cot. He attempts to make it, but the sheets are still just a messy pile of tan and green that hang all over the mattress. He slides in and nervously signals for James to follow. Having James in his bed now has turned Kendall quite shy. It doesn't seem to bother the brunet though, and he climbs under the covers like it's no big deal. Kendall squeezes up against the wall and James tries to get comfortable.

"Ugh, it _is _small," James groans. "Come here." He opens his arms and pulls Kendall's back onto his chest. He slips his thick arms around Kendall's waist and holds him close. Kendall swallows hard. He's always been a top, and a decently dominant one, but to suddenly be in this bulky man's grip makes him feel way more tender and bottom-like.

"James?" Kendall asks quietly.

"Yes?"

"Uh, sorry if I ask but, are you more of a top or a bottom?"

"I like either way actually," James answers quite easily. "I guess people think I'm always a top, because I'm so build and whatnot. But that's not always true. Sure, I like to give it to a guy, but I don't mind being dominated. Sometimes I think the fact that I_ am _so muscular makes being a sub even more fun. What about you?"

Kendall's face is bright red. He can't quite figure out what kind of sex they would have. "I-I'm a top I guess. I've always been that way."

"Oh, okay. I thought you were a bottom for some reason."

"No. is that okay? I mean, I guess I could try taking it. Um. But I never have. Um! Not like I'm assuming we would have sex or anything!" Kendall starts to panic but James seems unfazed. He snuggles against Kendall a little more and puts his face against the blonde's neck, reaching over the shoulder. "You have a real nice body," James whispers.

"I do?"

"Yeah. It's lean but strong. I like it. And you know your shoulders are actually pretty broad."

"I guess."

"I like it."

The useless banter goes on for a little bit longer, but they eventually fall asleep like that. The loft is cold but their body heat warms each other well and they get a fair night's sleep together.

In the morning, they're both on their sides and Kendall's back is still against James's chest. Why didn't they think of that? Spooning fits in that bed. Either way, Kendall wakes up from being poked in the butt. He blinks his eyes opens a few times and clumsily looks over his shoulder. James is still asleep. His mouth is hanging open and his hair is flopped down over his forehead. He looks totally cute. Despite his stud body, James has this very soft face with rosy lips, sparkling hazel eyes and dark, long eyelashes. He's very boyish yet also masculine. It's a combination that Kendall really can't resist. His face has always been so angular and manly that James must look beautiful next to him.

He watches him sleep for a few moments, but then he turns his attention to the poking. Yes, the poking. James is sporting a hard on that tries to stab Kendall in the butt. The blond can't resist. He reaches his hand behind himself and gropes around for the cock. His fingers lightly touch the tip and James makes a sleepy grunt. Kendall checks over his shoulder again to confirm that the boy is still asleep, which he is, so he continues to feel him. James's cock is big and strong, just like his upper body. Kendall winds his fingers around the head and tickles the base of the shaft. His boxer briefs get damp with precum. Kendall exhales very slowly. He runs his fingers up to the rim of James's underpants and slips beneath the elastic. His body hair is nice and trimmed, although there is a lot. Kendall takes great satisfaction in running his fingertips through the bristles, as they tickle and really turn him on. Then the tender, firm head of James's cock is there. Kendall touches the tip, very sticky with precum, and makes small circles on the frenulum. James moans quietly in the middle of his sleep. His dick throbs a few times. Before Kendall has the chance to really jerk him off, it sounds like James is about to wake up so he pulls his hand out of the boxer briefs and retreats to his side. He readjusts himself slightly and acts like he's asleep, hoping maybe James doesn't know what he did. The whole thing is sort of silly though, as chances are James would love to be jerked off by Kendall.

"Mrrpph…grphh…" James mumbles as he wakes up. He stretches his arms high above his head, keeping his stomach tight and groans loudly.

"Morning," Kendall whispers. James peeks over at Kendall and smiles. "Good morning. How's your eye?"

"Ahh, it's sore," the blond says. "Does it look horrible?"

"Hmmmm," James takes Kendall's face in his hands and looks at the eye. "It's not a real bad black eye. You're lucky. We should put ice on it."

"Is it ugly?"

"It's as black eye so it isn't pretty, but it could be considerably worse."

Kendall rolls onto his back and sighs. "How am I gonna play with this thing on my face? I'll look like a loser."

"Mmm don't say that," James cooes. "Can I get some ice for you from the kitchen?"

"Uh sure, if you want to."

James gets out of the cot and heads pushes down the door. He takes the rickety steps down and goes into the kitchen. It seems that nobody else is up yet, so he is as quiet as possible. He takes a Ziploc baggie from a drawer and fills it with some ice cubes, then pops up backstairs to Kendall.

"Put this on your eye. Be gentle." He hands the bag to Kendall, who carefully holds it up to his face. It stings at first, but after a few moments it starts to feel better. James lays down alongside the other guy again and uses his hand to hold the ice against his face. Kendall's other eye looks James over, up and down, wondering where that big boner went to.

"I'm so sorry about last night," James whispers.

"It's okay, ain't your fault," Kendall mumbles. "It could've happened to anybody, right?"

"Mmhmm." James looks into Kendall's good eye lovingly, with a soft tenderness among his hazel orbs that Kendall couldn't resist. "You have pretty eyes," James says.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes."

"Even with the shiner?"

"Well yeah. You're a good looking guy."

"Thanks," Kendall whispers. Being called attractive has always happened to him, but when James says it he feels shy. Maybe he doesn't believe that James could really be interested in him, since _his _physical beauty is so outstanding; Kendall has put up subconscious walls around him and still isn't convinced that they have something going. "Got class today?"

"I do. I have to be out of here soon. Can I get washed up in the bathroom?"

"Sure. It's downstairs in the hallway. Make sure there's nobody in there."

James leaves the ice with Kendall and gets out of bed once more. He goes down those rickety steps and then the other set of stairs and looks around for the bathroom Kendall told him about. Along the hallway there are a few doors there but most of them are closed. _Oh boy_, James thinks. He really doesn't want to walk in on anybody. The thinner door is probably the bathroom, so he opens it up and thank God, it is. The bathroom is all full of different peoples' things at it is a disaster. James, being a bit of a neat freak, finds the whole thing to be disgusting. A couple different caddies are jammed with toiletries and whatnot, dotted around the floor and scattered across the vanity counter. James shudders at the fact that he has to use it, but does it anyway because he cares about Kendall and wants to be comfortable in his living space.

He does his business and comes out looking a little bit better. When he goes back to Kendall's room, the blond is still lying in bed with the makeshift icepack on his face. "How do you feel?" James asks.

"Tired. I'm alright, though. But I'm gonna sleep in some more. Is it alright if you head out and have breakfast on your own?"

"Yeah, that's fine, but what about your phone?" James asks, putting his clothes from the day before back on. "How will I call you?"

"I gotta get a new one somehow. I dunno. I can't even think about that right now," Kendall groans and shifts on his back. His feet stick out over the edge of the cot. "I'll probably be home for most of the day, so just come by after school if you want to see me."

"Oh? Sure?"

"Yeah. If I go out, I'll leave a note saying where."

"Alright. Well, um," James stands in the middle of the bedroom awkwardly as he tucks his scarf back into the collar of his coat. "I guess I'll see you later, then."

"Uh huh. Thanks for taking care of me last night." Kendall looks over at James with his good eye and smiles.

"You're welcome," James answers quite quickly. There's a shy curve of delight on his pink lips, but it fades and he goes down the latch door and disappears, leaving Kendall alone. He turns his attention up to the ceiling, back to those four little thumbtacks that constantly watch over him. The icepack was melting a lot now and turning mostly into cold water but it still felt good. He doesn't want to see what the black eye looks like, but it's inevitable that he has to check it out. How will he play music out in public with a fight wound like that? Nobody wants to give money to a mess. Wow, rough day. He doesn't have a phone and he's afraid to work. Those fuckers that jumped him really messed his day up. Kendall wonders if he should even bother to tell his mom, since it could do a lot more harm than good. He would like to vent and confide in her but she could get over worried and beg for him to come home. He doesn't want to worry her, so he doesn't write. Instead, he sleeps a little bit longer and then rolls out of bed finally around noon.

When he goes downstairs to find something resembling food to eat, he's surprised to find Lucy rummaging around there, too.

"Oh, hey Kendall," she says, looking into the refrigerator.

"You're here late."

"Yeah, I don't have to go to work today." The girl turns around holding a gallon of milk and almost drops it when she sees Kendall. "What happened to your eye?!"

"I got punched," Kendall mumbles.

"What?! By who? When?"

"Last night. I got _mugged_."

"What the fuck?" Lucy puts the milk on the counter and dashes to Kendall's side. She lifts herself up on her toes and looks at the eye. "It's not too bad," she remarks, "but it's still obvious.

"Thanks," Kendall says plainly, glaring at the ceiling. "I don't wanna play with it like that."

"Put some makeup on it," Lucy says.

"I don't have makeup. Come on."

"I do. Here, I'll find something for you." She heads off towards her bedroom and waves her hand for Kendall to follow, which he does somewhat reluctantly. Her door is open and Kendall tiptoes inside carefully. It's a giant mess with dark clothes, hair care products and books strewn all over the place. Kendall thought his room was sloppy, but this doesn't compare in the slightest. There is one object of interest though; an electric guitar propped up against the wall. As Lucy paws through a plastic container on her dresser, Kendall shuffles through the mess and peers at the instrument.

"You play?" he asks.

"Oh?" Lucy looks back. "Yeah, I do. Not so often but I took lessons for a couple years."

"Really? Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"We haven't exactly talked much," Lucy says. She brandishes a small cosmetic case with a brush and calls Kendall over to her. "Here, let's try this. Bend down a little."

Kendall leans over into Lucy's face and she brushes some of the foundation over his eye. He looks away as she does this, since he doesn't want to make a whole lot of eye contact. She's clearly interested in him and it makes him a little uncomfortable.

"That's not bad," Lucy says, patting the area with the brush. She turns him by the shoulders to face a small mirror on the wall and when Kendall sees himself and smiles. "Yeah, really not bad at all. Thanks!"

"Heheh, it was nothing," Lucy says bashfully. "You can hold onto this for a while if you'd like." She holds the makeup out to him and he takes it gently, but her fingers remain touching his hands for a moment. She looks at him and blushes. "Well, anyway," Lucy mumbles. "I don't want to leave the milk out for too long."

"Right," Kendall says as he follows the girl out of her room.

Feeling confident in his self-image, Kendall decides that he will play after all so he gets dressed and takes his guitar outside for a trip. He rides a bus to Central Park and sets up on a bench along a big road there. James is of course on his mind. He wonders what his parents will think once he finally comes home and wishes that they could be cooler about his lifestyle, like Kendall's mom. A large group of people walk by him and a young kids catch his eye before disappearing into the park. Life is a mystery.

He plays for a few hours until his fingers are so cold he can't play any longer. The guitar case has a decent amount of scratch in it so he calls it a day and takes a bus home. The seats in the back are always his favorite because he gets the best view of the "wildlife." He plops down and stares out of the window. Thinking hard now, Kendall tries to figure out a way to improve James's life. He considers talking to the rabbi about it. Maybe he can make some connections and ease the tension is his family? It's possible. Kendall has always been known back in Kansas to be the guy who helps everyone out and solves the unsolvable problems, so why not? He'll talk to Rabbi Berkovic and see what he can do. Hopefully it won't make matters worse, but just in case he'll avoid telling _anybody _that James is interested in him and vice versa.

Kendall puts a couple fingers against the glass of the window and traces shapes in the condensation from his breath. He winds the tip of his finger into a couple little heart shapes. Is he falling in love? It's certainly a bit early to consider that, but after snuggling with James all night he finds the feeling hard to resist. When he fell in love with Logan, they had been friends since forever so it wasn't a big deal. This is different, but the feeling is the same.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

He sucks in a deep breath of air, preparing himself for the conversation he has been dreading. Kendall's feet are fixed on the pavement outside of Rabbi Berkovic's office and he's going to follow through with his plan; he's going to talk to him about James's sexuality. Obviously the rabbi _is _a very nice man, and at the end of the day he will have some decent advice.

Kendall goes in and takes a seat in the small room. He can hear the rabbi talking to someone in the office so he waits on the sofa. It's very comfortable so he takes a moment to relax and think through how he's going to approach the whole gay topic again, but before he has the chance to get too lost in his thoughts, the office door opens and the rabbi comes out with a man.

"It was very good to see you," the rabbi says. The man tells him goodbye and leaves with a chaste smile. "Kendall!" Berkovic exclaims with his hands up. "What has happened to your eye?"

"I got beat up," Kendall groans. He gets to his feet and they go back into the office.

"Why? Why would anybody want to beat you up? My goodness, I am so sorry to hear. Are you feeling alright?"

"Yep," the blond says, taking a seat. He puts his elbows on his knees and tries to cover his deep-seated nervousness. "I was mugged."

"Mugged? Where did this happen?" The rabbi looks absolutely horrified. Knowing that Kendall faced such a terrible thing brings great sorrow to him.

"Close to my place."

"I am very, very sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Don't think so. It wasn't that bad. I ain't got a phone right now, but other than that it's cool. James jumped in and saved me."

"James did, did he?"

"Yeah. In fact, I'm here to talk about James."

Rabbi Berkovic sighs. He extends his old hands onto his desk and folds the fingers together. "Kendall," he begins, his tone quite different now. "I know what is going on between the two of you." Kendall is a bit scared to reply to this, but Berkovic continues.

"You cannot hide those sorts of feelings. I've been around long enough to tell when two people are in love. But let me tell you this; James is choosing a very bad path to travel on. He will not be happy later in life. This sort of _male _relationship is nothing but trouble. He may think it is the best thing for him, and you may feel the same, but as your life goes on you will be faced with many difficulties all because of it.

"I cannot tell you what to do and what not to do, and no matter what sort of choice you make with your relationships I cannot _dislike _you as a person. Kendall, you are a brilliant young man with a lot of potential; the sex of the person date does not change this, but I fear for your happiness if you so choose to lie with another man."

Kendall is a bit torn after what the rabbi has said. It's clear to him that the rabbi is a decent person, but he just can't believe that being gay would make him unhappy. At least, not any more unhappy then a straight person could be.

"Rabbi," Kendall says, clearing his throat. "How d'you know that being with James would make me unhappy?"

"If men were supposed to be together, one would grow ovaries and they could repopulate on their own. There is a reason why we have differences. Men and women balance each other out, it is only natural and it is the way things should be."

The younger man sighs. Obviously they are too set in their own opinions to convince the other which is right. "Why can't James's parents be nicer to him?" Kendall asks.

"What do you mean 'nicer?'?"

"He tells me that he isn't allowed to date men, and how they're rude and dismissive of him 'cause he likes guys. How is that fair?"

"If he doesn't think it's fair, then he can leave. He's a grown man and he can make his own decisions."

"But they're paying for his college. He can't do anywhere else."

"Then that is the price he must pay. I'm not sure what else to tell you, Kendall."

"It bothers me." Kendall looks down at his hands and presses the palms together.

"What exactly bothers you?" The rabbi asks.

"I can't meet his parents. I can't relax with him. He's always looking over his back, scared of them finding out and scolding him. How is that fair?"

"Life isn't fair sometimes, I'm afraid," Berkovic sighs. "But again, if he really finds the living situation too intense, then he _can _leave. There are always other ways to go."

"I guess," Kendall mumbles. He looks up at the rabbi and tries to smile, but fails. There is too much heaviness sitting upon his heart and Berkovic can tell.

"You can't solve all the world's problems," the Jewish man says rather kindly. "The best you can do is work on yourself."

"But I want James to be happy…"

"Then be that support system for him. If you _must _date him, perhaps you can, well, be an outlet against his family? I am not one to support the forming of an alliance against ones elders, but if there is a serious struggle within the family then you can at least be someone he can trust. I'm afraid his confidence in me has dwindled lately, and I am potentially responsible for this."

"What happened?"

"Our time talking together sometimes turns into nothing but scolding from me. I am only worried about him, but perhaps I've come off too strongly. Ah, even people like me have our own fears and regrets in life."

* * *

Still without a phone, Kendall leaves his room early in the morning in the hopes of running into James at Stella's bakery. It seems to him that James is usually there around 9 so he could go to the gym and stuff all before class. The snow is starting to fade away by now and people say it's going to get a little warmer for a while.

He stops off at a corner store and picks up a pack of cigarettes before going to the bakery. On his way, he lights up and walks with his hands in his pockets. It has been a few days since he shaved and his chin is getting a little scruffy.

"Hey!"

Kendall looks over his shoulder and sees James waving to him. "Yo James!" Kendall calls out. James runs up behind him with a big smile on his face.

"How is your eye?"

"It's okay. Been putting some makeup on it to look less obvious. How're your hands?"

"They'll be fine," James says. "Already starting to heal. I'm not worried."

"Good! And your folks?"

"Mmmm," James sighs. He shoves his hands into his pockets and they keep walking. "They aren't really speaking to me."

"What? Why?"

"They know I was lying when I stayed at your place."

"Ohhhh…"

"Want to have breakfast with me?"

"That's why I'm here," Kendall smiles. They head over to Stella's and order the usual lemon tarts with coffee. Kendall picks out a quiet seat in the back and they tuck up against the wall. The café is relatively slow today. A few tables have people eating but not many are talking. Kendall doesn't mind a lot of noise, but James is happy to bask in the peacefulness. A little bit of music is playing over invisible speakers. James takes a sip of coffee and smiles halfheartedly. "They know I'm seeing someone."

"_So? _Let 'em know!" Kendall cheers. He sits back in his chair and grins. "You are who you are."

"I know, but still." James frowns at his lemon tart. He's barely touched it.

"What's the problem?" Kendall asks.

"I want to get through school. Then I'll turn my back on them, as much as I hate to."

"But you don't even _like _school."

"That's true, but what else am I going to do? Get a retail job?"

"There's a billion other options! Look at me."

James looks at Kendall with a straight face. "You're practically a beggar, living in the attic of a shitty townhouse."

"Aye!" Kendall snaps playfully. "Don't knock it. You seemed to enjoy my room alright."

"Yeah, but I, ah…man, I don't know." James pokes at the lemon tart with his fork and sighs heavily. His sparkly hazel eyes look ever so sad and it worries Kendall.

"You need to be who you are," the blond tells him. "Don't let anybody stop you from that. You like me, right?"

"I like you a lot," James says quietly.

"Well there you go," Kendall says. He takes a big sip of coffee and smacks his lips, smiling. "You can't run away from things, you know."

"Hmmm," James hums. He takes a bite of the tart and chews it gently, thinking. There's a far off look in his eyes. He must have a tiny eureka moment and his expression changes. "You're right," he says all of the sudden. "I can't run away."

"So what'cha gonna do?" Kendall asks. James turns to him and flashes a bright white smile. "Can I stay with you again tonight?"

"But doesn't that count as running away?" Kendall coughs. The idea of James spending another night with him is tantalizing, but he's trying to help, and maybe that's not the best thing for him right now.

"Going back home means running away from _you_," says James. "And currently, you're the most important influence in my life."

Kendall blushes. He closes his eyes tightly and giggles wildly on the inside. How flattering! Here he is, sitting in a beautiful little cafe with probably the most handsome man in New York City, and he's practically idolizing Kendall.

"Do you really mean that?" Kendall asks.

"Yes. I do."

"That's sweet."

"Look, you encourage me to be myself. Only two other people in my entire life have expected that out of me. It means a lot."

James has basically taken Kendall's breath away. This whole time he has wanted to help, but he certainly did not expect to be that big of an influence. The blond looks down at his coffee and makes a tiny smile. "I wanna see you happy," he mumbles. "You know, I've been happy my whole life. I hate it when people I care about can't be."

James places his fork down and slides his hand across the table to Kendall's, where he lightly lays his fingers on top. Kendall glances upward at James and sees his pinky lips curved into a sweet smirk. "You make me happy," James says.

He has class, so breakfast is cut shorter than ideal and they go separate ways. Kendall doesn't especially feel like playing today but he has to if he's going to buy a new phone soon. He sets up his guitar on a busy street that's lined with vendors. When people already have their wallets out to buy knock off purses and sunglasses, it's easier for them to drop a few bucks for Kendall. He perches on a bus stop bench and plays for about five hours, stopping for a little bit in between for a hotdog. Before rush hour starts, if it has a chance to ever stop in the city, Kendall packs up and heads home. His eye still hurts; not as much as before, but it's achy. A crowded bus takes him home by 4.

As Kendall walks up to his townhouse apartment he catches the mailman heading up, too. "Hey!" Kendall calls out. "I'll take the mail for number 2."

The carrier gives him a hefty stack of letters and thanks him before disappearing down the block. Kendall pages through the papers as he goes upstairs. A few pieces in, there's a letter from his mom. A warm smile develops on his face when he sees it. He takes it to his room and carefully opens it up from the cot.

_K3,_

_I'm glad that you've found somebody to spend time with over there, but I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with his family. Unfortunately I'm afraid there's not much you can do about it. People are people, and when their minds are made up it can be impossible to change them, especially when it comes to parents and their children. There are a few things to keep in mind, though; know that being involved with this man means you will be involved with the family. If you can't handle that kind of stress, then you can't handle being with him. Also, keep in mind that there are always other options. Does he live with his parents? If so, can he move out? Have you tried talking to him about that? If his family gives him that much trouble, then he probably shouldn't have a lot to do with them. That's just my opinion. Why would you be around someone who doesn't treat you well?_

_I wish I could help more, but that's all I have to say. Just remember to reassess the situation regularly. Things can change. Ask yourself if he's worth it, and if he is, go for it. You can do anything you make up your mind to do._

_Stay warm and safe. I love you so much!_

_Mama_

Kendall puts the letter down and sighs out loud to himself. Everything she said was basically what he had already concluded on his own. Kendall knows that he _can _handle being involved, though. James is a wonderful guy who makes him extremely happy, and he's willing to go through anything to be with him, even if they haven't really known each other all that long.

He lies down on his cot and stares at the familiar ceiling. His mind drifts back to that conversation he had early on with James, the one about reincarnation. He wonders if he and James have been on an eternal quest to continuously meet up and sort out each other's problems. Is it destiny that they are together? Then it occurs to him that if they're some sort of time-defying couple that always meets back up again after dying, then if things go wrong in this life, he'll still be with James in the next. He takes some comfort in that, even if the subject is rather heavy and scary. It's no excuse to behave poorly though, and he wants to make the most of James's life while he's here in this existence. But how? What can he do? Rabbi Berkovic is of little help. He's certainly more willing to accept James than his parents are, but what good is that if he isn't his parents? Kendall hopes that maybe the rabbi will talk some sense into James's family, but he doesn't put too much faith into it.

"HEY! KENDALL?" A voice calls up from the floor below. He recognizes it as maybe one of his roommates.

"Yeah!" he yells back.

"SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR FOR YOU!"

"Oh?" Kendall jumps off of the cot and pushes down his latch door. Standing in the tiny hallway is Scott, the guy who lives in the room just at the top of the stairs. "Someone's at the door for you," he says again.

"Thanks," Kendall says quickly and runs passed him and downstairs. He flies to the front door where Lucy is standing, talking to someone in the threshold. Kendall pushes by Lucy and sees James.

"Oh hey!" says Kendall.

"Hi," James mutters shyly. "Sorry to barge in."

"Nah nah, it's cool. You want to come up?"

"Yeah."

Kendall turns back to the way he came and motions for James to follow. Lucy closes the front door and watches them go upstairs together with a sour look on her face.

"What's up?" Kendall asks as he climbs back up the wooden steps to his room. James does so, too, but he's acting very quiet and doesn't make much eye contact. They both get into the loft and Kendall flops back down on the cot. "What's up?" he asks again, this time a bit more persistent.

"_Another _fight with my folks," James sighs. His gorgeous eyes barely sparkle.

"Lay with me," Kendall says. James emotionlessly curls up in a fetal position against Kendall on the cot and sighs again. The blond wraps an arm around James's waist and pulls him against his chest. "What exactly happened?"

"I came home from class and they still weren't talking to me," James explains. His voice has lost its usual bubbly, boyish joviality and now it's just blank and dry. "I tried talking to my dad. He was home from work early, so I thought maybe he'd been in a good mood or something. 'Dad, I'm sorry,' I said. But he just glared at me. I'm not even sure what I was apologizing for, but I said it again and he just kept staring. 'So you're going to be angry at me for the rest of my life?' I asked.

"'James, you're disgracing this entire family,' he said. 'Your perverted lifestyle is shaming the Maslow name. And now your _sister _knows.'"

"Oh, jeez," says Kendall. He gives James another little squeeze. "I'm sorry."

"It gets worse," James sighs. It sounds like he might be about to cry. "I told him if he doesn't like what I'm doing to our family, then maybe it's better if I'm not even a part of it. He laughed sarcastically and said, 'Yes, it would be better.' I stared at him. 'Really? You really think so?' I verified. Oh my God, I was about to hit him. I could believe what I was hearing."

James pauses for a moment and grinds his teeth together, building up the rage he felt earlier. His heart is angry.

"Then what?" Kendall asks.

"Then he said, he said…" All at once, the anger leaves James and he starts to cry. He turns around to face Kendall and gives him a tight, desperate hug, sobbing against his chest. Kendall pats his back lovingly and holds him close. It seems funny to have this massive body breakdown in front of him.

"It's okay," Kendall coos. "What did he say?"

"He said h-he'd rather I had n-never been born."

"_What?_" Kendall gasps. "He really said that to you?!"

"Yes," James sniffles. He peers up at Kendall with tears filling his eyes. He actually looks beautiful like this.

"Fuck him," Kendall scoffs. "Fuck that mother fucker. If he can't fucking appreciate you, then fuck him and fuck his money."

James plasters his face against Kendall's chest again and cries even louder. It's hard for Kendall to know what to do now. Maybe just hold him until he gets all the sadness out of him.

"It's okay," Kendall says, his voice mellowing out. "I'm glad you're alive."

"I don't know what to think," James mumbles, sniffing loudly.

"You wanna stay with me?"

"Yeah."

"That's cool. You can stay. You can stay as long as you like."

James starts to move his right hand around, groping spots on Kendall's body in search of _his _hand, but he's still crying against his chest so it doesn't go very well. Sensing this, Kendall looks down and snatches up the wandering hand. Their fingers entwine and Kendall squeezes them tightly. "You can stay as long as you like," he says once more.

"Th-thank you," James sniffles. He nuzzles his face up to the crook of Kendall's neck and sighs. His tears seem to be subsiding now. "Please d-don't leave me."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

When morning comes, James wakes up before Kendall and yawns real loud. The sun is rising and little bits of light struggle to pour in through the tiny window. It's the first really clear day since it snowed. James lies on his side and watches Kendall sleep. His eyes are closed and wiggling from his REM sleep cycle and his lower lip trembles. James hooks an arm around Kendall's waist and holds onto him. Their bodies rise and fall in unison. It's a beautiful moment. He wants to share it with Kendall but also doesn't want to wake him up, so he gently tries to pry him out of sleep. James takes his fingers against Kendall's chest and draws small circles. He tucks his fingertips underneath the low collar of the thinner boy's tank top and lightly touches the teeny patch of chest hair on his sternum. It's a small, sparse forest but James like how it feels on the pads of his fingers regardless.

Now he wakes him with a groan. The cramped space on the thin mattress barely holds them without making a ton of body contact, so when Kendall tries to roll over on his back he almost pushes James out.

"Hey!" James calls out instinctively.

"Guuhh," Kendall groans from his partner's earsplitting cry. "Too loud," he sighs.

"Sorry," James apologizes. He attempts to prop himself up better on the bed but is unsuccessful so he just gets up instead. "Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"Naw, I'll get up," Kendall says groggily. He sits up on his elbows and looks at James, who is putting his outer clothes on. His muscular back curves beautiful down his spine and his clothes cascade in a manner that make Kendall want to pounce on him. "Class today?"

"Nope."

"Wanna do something?"

"I would love to. Have you been to the MoMA?"

"No, but I sorta want to."

"Well then we should go," James says cheerily. "Hurry up and get dressed so we don't have to wait in line too long."

"It costs?" Kendall asks. He gets off of the cot and tries to stabilize himself on the floor.

"It's a museum."

"I dunno! Museums aren't exactly something I go to regularly." Kendall laughs a little bit. "I gotta watch my money. Trying to save up for a new phone."

"I'll buy."

"Sure?"

"Yes, of course! Come on. Get some makeup on the eye and let's go."

Being hurried along, somewhat cutely by James, Kendall gets his act together and they take a bus down to the museum. It's just opening so they don't wait very long, as James predicted, to get their tickets. They spend some time meandering around the art museum, looking at this and that, most of which makes Kendall turn his head sideways and spurt out, "eh?!"

But it's fun. It's fun to be there with James. It's fun to be _anywhere _with James. Despite the fear, worry and tension in his family, his outward demeanor is very warm and inviting. They stop in front of _The Starry Night _and gaze upon it for a while.

"I've seen pictures of it," Kendall says quietly. "But it's a lot different in person. Crazy that somebody made that, you know?"

"Yeah," James sighs. He stares into the painting like it's sucking him in. Kendall looks over at him and sees that his entire concentration is based upon the piece of art. His very pronounced, masculine profile is buffed out smoothly by his soft, pink links and fluttery eyes. James should be on display. He's a work of art.

"What's it make you think about?" Kendall asks.

"Huh?" James turns his head towards the blond and raises his eyebrows, seemingly thwarted by the question.

"I can tell you're thinking hard. What's it make you think about?"

"Life, I suppose," James says. He turns back to _The Starry Night_. "The stillness of the world. How we travel through life like a listless piece of nothing."

"Ah," Kendall says, nodding. He's afraid James is about to get all sad now so he snatches up his hand and gives his fingers a tight squeeze. James giggles and says, "Not so much."

"Not so much what?"

"Touching in public."

"Why not?"

"Maybe someone will see."

"And?"

"I don't want them to see."

"Why not?" Kendall asks once more. James continues to stare at the Van Gogh painting, perhaps with a hint of embarrassment on his face, but Kendall holds his hand firmly.

"I hate people judging," James admits in a voice that's almost a whisper.

"They're gonna judge, get over it," Kendall tells him. "You gotta do what makes you happy anyway."

"I guess so," James agrees halfheartedly. He briefly glances at Kendall but then looks away. He begins to walk the other direction, pulling the blond with him.

"Well wait a minute," Kendall says. "What did I tell you about not running away from problems?"

"Mmm that I shouldn't," the brunet says. He keeps his free hand in his pocket and they wander aimlessly down the middle of the museum. Slow footsteps creep around them from other tourists and whatnot, ogling the masterpieces with the same reminiscence and power that James had within him. They don't even notice the boys, though.

"You're special to me," Kendall says, a bit too loud. James freezes in his tracks and looks over his shoulder at him. His eyes look shocked and shy. "What?" Kendall asks. James sneaks up real close to him and whispers, "I don't want people to notice us."

"Hey, that's silly," Kendall says. He's still talking too loud and James is obviously getting frustrated. Kendall doesn't want to see him upset, but he _is _being silly. For good measure, he lets go of his hand but continues regardless; "Your whole problem is that you let others control you."

"What do you mean?" James asks, both of his hands folding in his pockets now. One museumgoer looks over his shoulder at the couple but seems to think nothing of it. After all, a gay couple in New York City isn't exactly weird.

"I mean," Kendall goes on. He tries to speak in a hushed tone. "I mean that you should pursue things that make you happy, even if others point fingers. As long as it's safe and moral, you should do it."

"But it doesn't feel moral," James sighs.

Kendall decides that it's probably best to leave the MoMA now and continue the discussion outside. James shyly tags alongside him and they wander down the sidewalk. It's crowded but at least the weather is warmer than it has been. Kendall takes a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, lights one up and offers it to James. He takes it with a mellow nod and inhales deeply.

"You feel bad about being gay," Kendall says, looking straight ahead at the oncoming people traffic.

"Possibly," James admits, exhaling a long line of smoke.

"Do you not like being gay? Wanna be with a woman instead?"

"No, no. It's nothing like that!" James says quickly. He knocks a bit of ash onto the ground and clears his throat. Kendall looks at him with a tiny smile but then keeps his focus on the path ahead. "I love men and I love dating men," the brunet continues. "I just feel wrong about it."

"It's not wrong," Kendall says."

"Yes I know, I keep telling myself that. But deep down it's not quite right."

"Only 'cause your folks have convinced you."

"Mmmh," James mumbles. He takes another drag on the cigarette and flicks it onto the ground. "I feel like beer. Do you wanna drink tonight?"

"I _guess?_" Kendall asks, opening his eyes real wide. How come he had to divert like that? There's still a lot of emotional work to be done, that's for sure. Either way, they have a very quick bite to eat at a fast food place and then stop off at a Beer and Wine deli on their way home. James buys a big box of beer and hulks it under his big arm as they take a bus back. The entire subject of being gay and right versus wrong goes on hold for now and that's okay; Kendall doesn't like making James uncomfortable. He prefers him to be bubbly and sweet, just like sparkling cider. Or something.

When they come back to Kendall's place, they open the front door to find all three of the other roommates on their way out.

"Hey guys," Kendall says with a quick wave and a friendly smile that nobody could properly resist. They all stare at him uneasily.

"Oh," Lucy says, flicking her long, dark hair out of her face. She shifts in her heels. "Hey."

"Going out?" Kendall asks, a tiny hint of surprise in his voice. James walks past everyone with his beer and goes to the staircase. None of the roommates answer so Kendall just says, "alright, anyway," and follows behind James to his room.

"What's going on with them?" James asks.

"No idea."

They get up into Kendall's room and James puts the case of beer on the floor. "I'm beat," he says. "Want a beer?"

"Sure," Kendall agrees. He kicks off his sneakers and sits on his bed. James rips open the box and takes out two beers. As he hands one to Kendall, he looks at him and smiles.

"What's on your mind?" the blond asks.

"A lot," says James. He cracks open his beer and takes a long, thirsty sip. "Not bad."

"A lot, like?" Kendall nurses his drink quietly. He pulls his legs up onto the bed and crosses them in his lap. James sits down next to him with his elbows on his knees and takes another long gulp. He suppresses a belch behind his free palm and goes on, "I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my parents. I basically never want to see them again, but I also don't want to totally destroy my life."

"Well," Kendall says after a sip of alcohol. "You just have to consider if it's the mountain you want to die on."

"What do you mean?" James looks over at Kendall and asks with his eyes. They sparkle curiously and Kendall can't resist staring back.

"Like, is being with someone you love worth losing your family?"

"I never said it's someone I love," is James's snippy protest. He finishes the first beer and immediately cracks open another. Some people might be offended by his remark, but Kendall doesn't mind. In his two decades and some on Earth, he's learned that love is a plant best harvested late in the year. He might be growing feelings for James, but if they don't want to call it love it's fine.

James downs that next beer rather quickly and takes up a third. Kendall is still on the first one.

"I'm sick of my parents," James grumbles.

"Yeah I don't blame you."

"They treat me like a little kid."

"Parents tend to do that."

"Yeah but they _really _do. How the fuck do they expect me to 'be a man' when they act like I'm a little boy?" James guzzles the third beer and crunches the empty can in his hand. Kendall raises his eyebrows.

"Not sure man," Kendall says. He's just done with the first beer. "Probably healthy if you back off for a while though."

"That's what I'm doing," James says. He cracks open a fourth beer and begins to drink it. Kendall seems to recall this conversation they had a few days ago where James said he "sometimes has a few beers." A few? Hmm.

Kendall puts down the empty beer can and stretches his hands high above his head. "I'm tired," he groans.

"Me too," James says.

The blond gets up and pulls down his pants and takes off his sweater, revealing just a tank top and boxer briefs. James eyes him from the cot hungrily.

"Like what you see?" Kendall teases jovially and shakes his butt at James in a humorous fashion. James turns bright red in the face and hides behind another sip of beer. "Maybe," he mumbles.

"Well shit, we've slept in the same bed, so nothing's really off limits, right?" Kendall asks with a cute shrug. James doesn't answer, but sucks the last drop from that beer and takes yet another in his hand. There's a nice little pile of aluminium cans at his feet now.

"Speaking of bed," Kendall continues. He tosses back the sheets and crawls underneath them. "You can stay up and drink as much as you'd like, but I'm gonna get some shut eye."

"Alright," James agrees with a shy nod. He's still sitting at the foot of the cot, hunched over his knees with the can of beer in his head. Kendall turns off the lamp on his nightstand and gazes upon James's silhouette cast in the little bit of light from the tiny window. His brow is furrowed and he glares beyond his beer and at the floor, obviously thinking quite hard. Kendall wants to engage him further, but sleep gets the most of him.

It doesn't last long, though, and he's woken up by James, who has crawled up onto Kendall's chest and is staring him right in the face.

"Uhhh," Kendall moans awake. He blinks heavily a few times and focuses on James's soft, pretty hazel eyes that are glaring at him wide.

"You were sleeping," James says, and a little loud, too. His breath reeks of alcohol and Kendall can't help but wonder how many more beers he's downed since he fell asleep. That nasty stale taste of poor sleep is stuck in Kendall's mouth and his wets his lips, but James is still on him. Their chests and pressed together and it feels like James is straddling him. The smell of beer is overwhelming.

"Why'd you wake me up?" Kendall asks.

"Put your finger in my ass," James says.

"What?" Kendall spurts out. His eyes widen and he sudden starts to grow an erection. James twists his head and presses his mouth up against Kendall's ear. He whispers seductively, "Stick…your finger…in…my…ass."

"I d-dunno," Kendall stutters. "You mean like, now?" He's not ready to get that far with James! Of course the thought is hot, and he's already felt him up while he was sleeping, but actual penetration? Kendall has always been a firm believer in waiting a while, even if the desire is strong.

"Oh, please," James begs, almost moaning. "Just, just stick it in me."

"Umm," Kendall hums uncomfortably. He wants to resist, but his cock is growing and James _must _feel it against him.

"Like this," the brunet says. He takes Kendall's wrist in his hand and runs it down to his own rear end. He holds it between his ass cheeks and presses Kendall's hand against him. "Just take a finger and push it in."

"I don't know about that, James, I-"

"I need you in me," James moans desperately. He keeps his mouth open and pulls Kendall's earlobe inside with his teeth. The light nibbling sends electricity through Kendall's body and he can't help but let out a long, throaty groan. His fingers curl around James's firm ass and wiggle their way between the cheeks. It's fuzzy yet trimmed and feels amazing.

"Yeah," James whines. "Put it in."

"Just dry like this?!" Kendall asks in shock.

"Oh, wait, no, no," James says. He moves away from Kendall's face and brings his hand up to his mouth, still guiding it by the wrist. Kendall's index finger gets sucked into his mouth and he slobbers all over it, running his tongue along the length. Kendall can barely stand it. He wants that mouth on his cock and James fucking knows it. The brunet giggles wildly as the finger leaves his mouth and he lets go of the entire hand. "Now go put it in me," he says.

Kendall, hand shaking, takes his slick finger and tickles a path down James's side to back to his ass. He crawls along one cheek and slips down into the crack. With his index finger, he prods around for a second until he finds James's tender hole, where he stops and tickles the outside of it.

"Ohhh," James moans. Both of his hands fall onto Kendall's boney shoulders and grip slightly. "Please go inside," he begs. "Kendall, please."

The blond swallows stiffly and starts to make his way within the asshole. James presses his eyes tight real firm and coos in pleasure. Their twin erections press together. Kendall takes his other hand now and brings it to James's rear end as well. He takes the elastic rim of his underpants and pulls it down, exposing the throbbing cock against of James against his stomach. Kendall presses the finger deeper inside James now and it gets swallowed. Reeking of beer, James cries out in pleasure and begins thrusting his ass backwards against the slender digit.

"Finger me," James moans. "Finger fuck me, Kendall."

"You…you like this?" Kendall asks quietly. James only responds with an "mmmmm" and a loud gasp. Kendall starts to go in and out of the tight asshole with his finger, prodding and pushing deeper each time. James keeps crying and moaning the entire time and he starts to rock his hips wildly with the fingering.

"N-now your dick," James says.

"No," Kendall interjects.

"What?"

"I'm not ready."

"You aren't ready?"

"No. I need, ugh," Kendall pulls his finger out of James all of the sudden and the brunet peeps loudly. Kendall sighs. "Sorry. I really need to be a little more emotionally close with someone before I fuck them."

"Aww, shit. You aren't kidding, huh?"

"Nope."

"Fuck," James whines. "I really want to ride you."

"Yeah, and I want to pound you out, but I'm just—it's just how I am. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," James sighs loudly. "I think we're so close though, huh?"

"We are," Kendall says. James unmounts his and lays down beside him, wobbling a bit from his drunken stupor. "But not close _enough_. I need to know that you'll stay with me. I don't like having my heart broken."

"Mmm, that makes sense," James giggles. He gives Kendall a tight hug and pulls him to his chest. "And I respect that."

"Thanks," Kendall says. "And thanks for being understanding, even if you're bombed."

"Yeah," James says. He nuzzles up against Kendall's face and starts to kiss him. Their lips lock hotly and they begin to make out with great fervor. Despite any rules that Kendall has set, they're both extremely heated and horny. In fact, they're both sporting massive erections and the sexuality between them starts to grow so thick as they kiss that it's almost tangible. Their lips pop and smack, and James begins to moan and whine again, into Kendall's mouth. Thinking fast, Kendall gets up and suddenly flips James over onto his back. He pins him down but keeps kissing him. It's too much; he can't handle it. The arousal between his legs is almost making Kendall dizzy.

"Ah, to hell with any rules," Kendall whispers to James, who looks up at him in the darkness with a big, dumb, drunken grin. Kendall takes James's strong legs in his hands and brings them up to his shoulders. He pulls out of his own boxer briefs and presses his dick against James's ass. It's a shame that the room is so dark, since he really wants to see what that hole looks like. Oh, well. Beggars can't be choosers, right?

Kendall spits on his cock a bunch of times as he jerks himself of slowly. He takes to fingers, wipes them in the spit, and rubs them onto James's asshole. James cries out in pleasure a few times as his hole pulsates. Kendall grins to himself. He spits a few more times onto his dick and then scoots closer to James. He takes the head of his cock and puts it up against the tight, hungry hole.

"Are you ready?" Kendall asks.

"Mm yeah," James whispers. "Sin with me. Fucking sin with me."

Kendall begins to ease his way inside. James moans loudly, wildly, and rocks his hips gently as Kendall goes in him. He jerks himself off now. Kendall holds James down by the inner knee and starts to plow him. He dips inside deeper and deeper, and already beads of sweat can be felt running down his back. Melodic and beautiful moans roll out of James's perfect pink lips and Kendall starts to fuck him. He picks up a nice pace and really gives it to him.

"F-fuck me," James cries. "Fuck me, Kendall."

Kendall starts to huff and groan as he rails James hard. The tight, warm muscle clenching around his thick cock feels amazing. He closes his eyes and moans as James continues to swallow his rod with his hungry, wanton asshole. Kendall feels his orgasm approach. He bites down on his lower lip and humps James's ass even faster.

"Ohh God!" James cries.

"I'm gonna," Kendall stutters. His breath chokes him as his climax takes over. "I'm gonna cum," he groans.

"Fill me," James moans. "Please fill me."

The begging drives Kendall crazy. Knowing that this beefy, sexy man is so desperately pleading for Kendall to fill him with his hot load gives the blond an intense, sexual power trip and he's about to lose his mind. He slams his hips against James's ass and lets a throbbing cum shot ooze inside the hole. James squeals as he beats himself off to orgasm, too. He cries out and almost screams as this happens simultaneously. Kendall exhales loudly and falls back onto his butt. Panting, he slips out of James's asshole and flops down onto his side. He instinctively pulls James to his chest like a pillow, but the brunet's body is convulsing slightly.

"Are you crying?" Kendall asks.

"I always cry after sex," James sniffs.

"Awww, that's so cute."

"It just happens," James admits. He tries to laugh but the tears fall regardless. He snuggles in Kendall's lean arms.

"Let them fall, then," Kendall whispers. "Let them fall."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Kendall recalls an old memory of his ex as he is half-asleep. In a long expanse of farm land behind Kendall's house, the boys are hidden between two massive rows of corn, far from any nosy family members. They're both completely naked, lying on a woven rug. Logan wants to get an allover tan without anyone giving him a hard time and though Kendall could live without the extra sun (as the usual farmer's tan suffices) but he does it for Logan regardless.

The nude boys, just barely 18, sprawl out on their backs and stare up at the pale blue sky, protected by sunglasses. Between their slender young bodies they hold hands. The world around them is quiet and still, save for the occasional bird that flies overhead. It's an easy summer day in the country.

"Hey Kendall?" Logan asks, his voice as sweet as honey.

"Yeah?"

"Think we'll be together forever?"

"I dunno…" Kendall's voice trails off as the profound reality of Logan's question sets in. Forever is a long time. Logan hums to himself and closes his eyes behind the dark lenses. "There will be another guy one day," he whispers. "I guess that's alright."

"Best to focus on what we have now, huh?" Kendall suggests. He turns his head to face Logan and sees him smiling weakly, possibly hiding something sad. "What's wrong?"

"I wonder about fate a lot recently," Logan says in his usual methodical way of speaking.

"Oh, yeah? Like how?"

"Like, are we destined to meet certain people?"

"Probably. Why not?"

"It can't be proven either way," Logan sits up on his elbows now. He released Kendall's hand from his and puts his sunglasses to his hair line. "Does fate bring us together? Is there a predetermined route that our lives have to take?"

"You're getting ahead of yourself, babe," Kendall says, chuckling, but Logan is not amused. "What?" the blond asks.

"Nothing," Logan sighs. He turns onto his stomach and lets his back start to tan. Kendall follows along for good measure, but not before giving Logan's ass a visual once over. He's jealous of the sun.

"Do you _want _to be together forever?" Kendall asks. He rummages through the pile of clothes off to the side and manages to pull out a pack of cigarettes with a lighter enclosed. He ignites a smoke and puffs on it gently. "I mean, forever is forever."

Logan glares at his boyfriend. "You really shouldn't smoke," he says quite seriously.

"Yeah well, what're you gonna do…"

"Mmm," Logan huffs. He turns his head the other direction and keeps talking; "Given our age, the population of the world plus current relationship trends, I'd say we're pretty likely to break up."

"Do you want to break up?!" Kendall asks, feeling a bit astonished.

"Noooo," Logan corrects himself. "Not at all."

"Oh, okay. So what's the problem?"

"It just feels sad."

"Life _is_ sad."

"Mmm," Logan sighs. He turns his head to look back at Kendall again. "Break up or not, I won't stop loving you. But Logan Schmidt _does _sound nice, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it's alright."

Kendall's memory fades away here. He wakes up or comes to or something. The image of his ex, basking in the sun with that cute smile on his face suddenly disappears and Kendall is back in his loft apartment with James in his arms. Right. James. He's waking up, too, and obviously enduring one hell of a hangover.

"Ugghhhhh," James grunts. "Fuuuuuuck." He stretches his arms out to the side, pushing his shoulders back to Kendall's chest.

"Ooohh," Kendall instinctively moans as James's body digs at him. The sensation of being inside the brunet hasn't left, that's for sure. His cock is still hungry for it.

"Ouucchh," James groans, now pulling his thick arms back and touches one to his head. "Damn."

"You drank a lot last night," Kendall whispers.

"Don't remind me." The taller boy sits up and slides off Kendall's body, clutching his head still. It suddenly occurs to him that he's naked. "OH SHIT!" He cries out.

"What?!"

James falls out of the cot and scrambles around for his clothes, trying to shield his private parts. Kendall is confused. "What's wrong?" he asks calmly.

"I'm _naked_. When did I get _naked?_"

"Right before we had sex," Kendall says casually.

The panic settles, or it grows so large that he is unable to control himself, and James stops moving. He looks back at Kendall with a face of horror. "W-we had SEX?!"

"Yeah. It was," Kendall closes his eyes. "Gooood."

"Oh shit, oh shit," James whines. He snatches up all of his clothes from the wood floor and gets dressed quickly. His face his shaking in disgust.

"What the hell is your problem?" Kendall asks.

"I didn't, ahhh, I didn't want to," James mutters. His movement is conclusive of top heaviness.

"Dude, you need to get a hold of your life," Kendall tells him. He gets out of bed, obviously still naked as well, and walks over to the brunet like no big deal. James hides his face in shame. "I can't, uggh," He moans.

"What's that?" Kendall asks, pointing to James's inner thigh. There are some markings there, but the brunet pulls his pants up over it so quickly that he doesn't properly look at them. "What was that?"

"Just from a, a fence that I climbed over," murmurs James.

"When did you climb over a fence?"

"At school."

Kendall leers at James, but he continues to look away, shielding his eyes with the back of his hand now.

"Why are you hiding like that?"

"I can't…"

"Don't you like me?" Kendall asks.

"Well, yeah."

"Don't you _want _me?"

"Yes…"

"Don't you enjoy being with me?"

"I do."

"So what's the problem?"

James finally turns and looks Kendall straight in the eyes. His hazel globes wiggle sadly with a tone of utter desperation. "I don't want to suffer for my lifestyle," he admits.

"You aren't going to."

"How do you know?"

"Because it's stupid to think otherwise." Kendall puts his hands on his hips. His flaccid cock seems to enjoy the air. "Look," he continues. "If every little rule and law of Judaism really made the violators 'suffer', then _everyone _would suffer. Rabbi Berkovic told me that masturbating is forbidden. Don't you masturbate?"

"Yeah," James admits shyly.

"So you're already going to 'suffer' for that. Try to find me one guy, shit, one woman even, who has never masturbated. On that token, everyone is going to suffer."

James presses his eyes closed real tight, trying to think, as Kendall stands and watches him. He hates to sound so stern, but James is stupidly conflicted and they can't carry on like that. He definitely, truly loves to be with Kendall. They have a great time together. Why would he give up on all that just because of his stupid parents?

"Well?" Kendall asks. James stays silent and continues to get dressed. A few times he begins to speak, but immediately stops and retracts back into a thinking pose. Once he's ready to go, he makes eye contact with Kendall and says, "I'm going to hit the gym."

"Okay," Kendall says.

"I guess, well, do you want to come with me?"

"I will, sure."

Now Kendall gets dressed very quickly and they leave together. Not much is said on the journey down to the gym, but Kendall senses many wheels turning within James's head.

"Sorry to be so harsh," Kendall says. They walk alongside each other up to the entrance to the fitness center.

"It's okay," James tells him. He smiles just a little. "Maybe it's necessary sometimes."

They head inside together and get changed in the locker room. Kendall is curious about what he saw on James's thigh earlier, but it was so close to his crotch that the gym shorts even cover it.

Once changed, James goes out into the main area of the gym and immediately begins lifting weights. His hangover is still prevalent, but he seems to work through the pain quite well. Kendall pretends to pump iron but it's exceedingly difficult for him.

"You're slacking," James says.

"I know," the blond admits with a laugh, but James's face is so full of thought and fury that he can't even be bothered to laugh. He's working so hard that sweat has already begun to run down his face. He carries on like that for some time. Kendall finds it most suitable for him to use the treadmill the whole time, keeping an eye on his friend. What is he going to do with James? He has so much conflict inside him, and yet Kendall is addicted. When they get along, they have an amazing time. The sex last night was fantastic. The whole day was great. Kendall can't resist the allure of James and his personality, but how do they fix this sinful thought process?

Finally James throws in the towel. With a wicked grimace on his beautiful face, he wipes his forehead on his tank top and calls for Kendall to come get dressed with him.

"Feeling better?" Kendall asks sweetly.

"I always feel better after I work out," James says. He uses a towel to dab his face some more. Finally he's smiling and looking like the sparkling James that Kendall likes so much. He takes a clean towel from the bin and goes to settle into a shower stall, but before he can close the door, Kendall stops it with his knee. James stares at him. "Um, I kinda want to take a shower," he says.

"Yeah, I know," Kendall acknowledges. He pushes the door forward and steps inside. James stands there in his gym clothes, keeping his eyes fixed on Kendall, who locks the door with them both in the stall.

"How are you feeling about _us_?" Kendall asks.

"You made some good points earlier," James admits. "But it's hard to go back on everything."

"But you've _had _boyfriends," Kendall says. "Didn't you like those relationships? Did you feel bad about them? Weren't _you _the one to first kiss me?" Before James can answer, Kendall continues with a look of discovery on his face. "That's it! You're only feeling bad now because you're afraid of your folks pulling us apart. Isn't that right?"

"Kind of," James sighs.

"Then what is it?"

"They've ruined everything for me," James goes on. He puts his back against the tiled wall and slumps. "When I try to get close to a guy, he goes away. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe the rabbi is right. Will my lifestyle only lead to unhappiness?"

"No," Kendall says quite sternly. He stands in front of James and puts his palms on the wall, one on either side of James's face. Their noses come very close to each other and James looks scared at first, but his eyes tell Kendall that he likes it. Of course he does! James is wild about Kendall and Kendall is wild about James. There's no denying it.

"You like being with me and I like being with you," Kendall continues. "We make each other happy. It feels good to share my life with you. What sort of God would deny that pleasure to his children?"

"I don't know," James says meekly.

Now Kendall rolls his hands down the wall and comes to James's waist. He slips across the elastic band of his gym shorts and runs his fingers beneath his tank top. James closes his eyes and gasps a little. Kendall peers up at him and smiles devilishly. "Now I thought you had to take a shower?" he asks.

"I do."

"Mhmm," Kendall purrs. He pulls James's tank top off of his body and then tugs at the shorts to come off. He gets them just to the knee and he can finally analyze the marks on James's thigh. It's a few thin slices. "And this is from a fence?"

"Yeah," James answer suspiciously fast.

"What sort of fence does this?" Kendall lightly traces his fingers over the cuts. Some of them are fresher, while others are almost healed. They're obviously made by hand. "James…"

"What!?" The brunet is on the defensive suddenly. He shifts uneasily and tries to get Kendall to stop looking.

"Why would you do this?" Kendall asks him very sadly. He looks up at him, feeling that he might even cry.

"My life isn't easy," James snaps. He steps out of the gym shorts all together now. "Sometimes it's hard to cope."

"I want you to be happy," Kendall whispers.

"Can you make that happen?" James asks.

"Follow the life you want, not what others want for you. What do _you _want?"

James swallows hard, focusing intently on Kendall's green eyes. "I," James mumbles.

"Hm?"

"I want to be with you, Kendall."

The blond nods. "I want to be with you, too."

Kendall disrobes completely and goes to turn on the shower. Water sprays out all over the boys, a little too cold at first but it warms up quickly. Kendall's lean, pale figure drags James beneath the head of the shower and they embrace tightly. The water makes it way down their faces, plastering each head of hair to their foreheads.

"So what kind of God wouldn't want you to feel like this?" Kendall asks. "Doesn't this moment make ya happy?"

"It is," James says. He holds onto Kendall even tighter. "You're right."

"Your folks are just assholes. Fuck 'em. You wanna live with me for a long time?"

"Yeah," James admits in a whisper. Kendall holds his massive back within his arms and smiles. "That's what I thought," he says.

"I don't want to be a lawyer or anything. My father can go fuck himself."

"There you go," Kendall says with a smile. He lets go of James and gets his face up in his. They kiss briefly. "You're a big boy. You can stand on your own two feet. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. You need people like me and my mom in your life."

"Your mom?"

"Yeah, since she's super cool about everything I do."

"I'm jealous," James whispers.

"Nah, don't be jealous. You'll meet her one day. When I go back. You'll come with me?"

"Yes," James agrees rather easily.

"Really?" Kendall asks, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes really."

"Mmmm," Kendall is both proud to hear James break away from his parents, and also delighted to know that his convincing has been successful. James is smart, but he's also very emotional so he can be swayed in any direction by people close to him. Kendall decides right then and there that he will do whatever he can to keep James on track and learn to think for himself. But those are long term projects, and the situation at hand calls for other matters.

Kendall suddenly pushes James against the wall and starts to squat down. There is no more shyness; nothing to hide. Any feelings of embarrassment of vanity that Kendall had up until last night are gone. He's claimed James, whether or not the other will remember, and that level of comfort has been heightened. Kendall's lips form a line of kisses from James's neck and all the way down past his abs. He's sporting a massive hard on, as is Kendall, and the blond takes the base of it in his thin hand. He jerks it off slowly and James lets out a long, low moan. Kendall sticks out the tip of his tongue and flicks it across the dick head. James winces from the pleasure. He takes back of his hands and holds the back of Kendall's head, instinctively guiding it closer to his cock. Kendall narrows his eyes happily and slurps up the whole dick. He sucks it hard in his mouth and pistons his lips up and down the length of it.

"Shhhit," James cries out. He helps Kendall pump his mouth but also starts to thrust his hips inside, too. Kendall closes his eyes and focuses on pleasure James. The brunet's solid abs rock his cock into Kendall's mouth, dripping precum down his throat with every other thrust.

"I want to fuck you," James says. Kendall spits out the penis and looks up at him. "What?!" he asks.

"I want to fuck you," James repeats. His face is bright red from the intense oral he's been receiving.

"Right here?"

"Yes."

"Uh, I dunno about that," Kendall says.

"Why not?"

"I told you I've never bottomed."

"You'll love it," James whines.

"I-I'm not sure."

"Come on. Stand up."

Kendall apprehensively gets up to his feet and stands before James, who is smiling and looking quite pleased with himself. He leans over to the water-free area of the stall and snatches something from his gym bag. Kendall sees a familiar flash of gold foil. "A condom?" he asks in shock. "Don't you trust me? I mean, I fucked _you_."

"I don't have any lube," James says. "But the condom is slick. It'll help."

"Ohh gosh," Kendall gasps. "So how do you want me?"

"Like this," James says. He scoops Kendall's body up by the armpits and hoists him into the air. Kendall lets out a shout of surprise, not just from the sudden movement, but the fact that someone can actually lift him up. James slams him against the other side of the wall now, which is much wetter than where they had been, pulls Kendall's legs all the up to his hips.

"Hold my shoulders," James whispers. Kendall stares up at the dark haired boy and nervously claps onto the shoulders. He's never given up this much power. Ever. Kendall is always the guy who makes the rough moves, who pins his boy down like a piece of meat and ravages his tight hole.

"I'm scared," Kendall admits, laughing cutely.

"Don't be," James reassures him. He props his lover against the tiled wall of the shower as water sprays all over their bodies. The wrapper of the condom goes between James's lips and he tears it open. Kendall watches him nervously.

"Don't be scared," James giggles. His gorgeous, fluttery eyes sparkle as he slips the condom over his hard cock. He takes his own dick in his hand and jerks it gently, just to make sure that the latex is on it. Kendall's thighs tighten around James's waist. He's supported by his fingers clinging to the strong shoulders and his head against the wall. It's awkward, but James holds him up against him.

"Ready?"

"As ready as I ever will be," Kendall says. Water runs down his face and he glares seductively upwards at James. The brunet holds his dick to Kendall's asshole and starts to push inside. Kendall cries out in pain, but the noise fades into a high pitched moan. James tenderly presses his cock further into the tight, virgin asshole, grunting and straining to keep Kendall against the wall.

"Ohh, jeeez," Kendall gasps. He bites down on his lower lip real hard to balance the pain in his ass. It's sharp and James's girth stretches him wide, but the deeper it goes, the more it hurts. James gently grinds his firm hips against Kendall's pasty rear, thumping his against the wall in a slow rhythm.

"Does it feel good?" James asks in a tight whisper.

"It feels…different," Kendall says with a nervous laugh, keeping his eyes focused on James. Their exchange is passionate and intense.

"Different good?"

"Different _different_."

"Hmm…"

James picks up the pace. He dives deeper into Kendall's tight cavity and begins to thrust hard. The blonde's back pounds on the tile with each slam, causing him to furrow his brow and moan in loud spurts. His lean body crumples into a sharp curve and his toes curl from the sensations. Water from the shower still runs over both of the boys in thousands of sparkling rivulets, cascading and splashing all around them. Their chests heave in hot unison. The brunet's thick cock rams deep inside Kendall, causing a sensation that is somewhere between pleasure and pain. His fingers dip deeply into the strong shoulders that his entire body relies upon for support.

"I'm close," James huffs, straining his entire physique with each slam. His face turns bright pink and the rhythm increases rapidly, then James pins Kendall further against the wall and leans close enough to his face that their cheeks touch. James's voice escalates from a sultry whisper to a high, whiny, breathy moan. He whimpers into Kendall's ear as he takes the bottom of his lobe between his teeth. His orgasm flushes throughout his body and he holds Kendall firmly against the wall.

"Shhhiit," the brunet moans. "Ahh."

Their movements cease entirely, save for them both panting heavily and Kendall's fingers trembling upon James's muscles.

"You made up your mind quickly," Kendall says with a sweet smile.

"What do you mean?" James asks.

The blond tries to break free of his grasp, so James squats down at lets him get off. They continue to shower off as originally planned.

"Just this morning you were _totally _freaking out about having sex with me," Kendall continues. He squirts some of James's shampoo into his palms and lathers it through his short hair. "But you've just fucked me."

"Yeah," James says casually as he soaps himself up. His legs are weak from the fucking. "Everything you said is true. I shouldn't let others decide how I'll live my life."

"Yup," Kendall agrees. He lets the water run out of his hair then steps out of the way. James finishes up and turns the taps off, then grabs up the used condom and balls it up with the wrapper the soap came with.

"So did you like it?" James asks. They towel off together and start to get dressed again.

"It was alright."

James looks to Kendall with his hands on his hips. "Just alright?" he asks, pursing his gorgeous pink lips together. Kendall can't help but laugh. "Okay," he says. "It was good."

"Yeah, that's what I thought!"

"I still prefer to give it," Kendall adds. He puts on his shirt and unlocks the shower stall door. They walk out together and catch the eyes of another guy who is changing. He looks at them awkwardly but says nothing.

"Um, anyway," James says quite quickly, clearly embarrassed. Before he goes to put his phone away, he checks it real quick. "Oh, hold on. I have a bunch of missed calls."

"From who?" Kendall asks as he puts on his coat. He ruffles his own hair to bit to help it dry. James checks his voice mail and soon his face changes completely. His skin loses all of its rosy hue and his mouth hangs open in shock.

"Who is it?" Kendall asks.

"My mom," James tells him in a tiny, tiny voice. Kendall moves closer to James and looks at him with great concern.

"What happened?" the blond asks.

"It's Rabbi Berkovic," James mutters. "He's dead."


	9. Chapter 9

**So I don't know what James's real parents look like and I don't care. I've reinvented them and I don't care :P (Obviously they are way nicer than the parents in the story anyway).**

James keeps a steady face as he puts his phone away. He doesn't say anything else and leaves the gym with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Kendall follows behind closely and calls out, "James…" But the brunet doesn't answer. He looks straight ahead and leaves the building.

"James…"

Once the Jewish fellow is outside, he stands firmly on the sidewalk and stares up at the sky, clearly thinking to himself intently. Kendall comes up behind him and looks upwards as well. The city is loud but the bubble around the two young men is silent. For a few moments, they stare quietly. People have to walk around them awkwardly, since the place they have decided to stand is pretty inconveniently in the middle of the sidewalk.

All of the sudden, James breaks down and falls to his knees. He throws his head into his hands and bawls loudly. Kendall's heart is suffocated by the overwhelming pain. He crouches down behind his partner and hugs him from behind.

"W-w-why," James cries.

"It's okay," Kendall coaxes him as best as he can. He squeezes his hard body tightly and lays the side of his head on the massive back. "It's gonna be okay."

"Whyyyyy," James continues to cry.

"Things happen."

"Oh God," James sniffs loudly. "Why? Why would this happen?" He turns to face Kendall and shows him his bloodshot eyes. Tears are pouring out of them and running down his blushing cheeks.

"James," Kendall whispers. "It's life. This happens."

"What am I going to do," the brunet wails. "What am I going to _do_?"

"You're gonna stand up," says Kendall. He does his best to sound supportive. "Aaaand we're gonna go home. And everything is gonna be okay."

"I don't…I don't know…" James continues to cry, but Kendall grabs him underneath his armpits and does his best to hoist him up. He manages to get to his feet but he's stumbling and trying is best to cover his face, so people can't see how blotchy it is from crying. Kendall holds his arm as they start to head down the sidewalk. He pulls a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and lights two in his mouth at the same time.

"Have a smoke," he tells James and hands him one. James nods gently and pops it in his mouth.

"Damn. This is too much," James sighs. He takes a long drag on the cigarette and lets it leave through his nose.

"Sorry," Kendall says.

"Too many emotions."

"Well, we can at least agree that we're a couple, right?" Kendall asks quietly. James looks at him and smiles weakly. His eyes are all wet and the lashes are clumped together. Either way, he stills looks as gorgeous as ever.

"Right?" Kendall asks again, raising his eyebrows high on his angular forehead.

James looks forward again and takes another hit on the cigarette. He sighs as the smoke leaks out and a small cough turns into a laugh. "I've been bouncing around like crazy today," he says.

"A little bit," Kendall admits. "It's cool."

"It's conflicting!" James says. "My heart says men, but my family says women. My soul says freedom but my parents say religion. Can't I have both? _Can't I have my religion and my life? _There must be a balance."

"Yeah of course there is. Hey, I bet they have groups for gay Jews. Ever thought 'bout that?"

James looks pensive. He flicks the cigarette onto the ground and keeps walking. Why does everything have to be so confusing?

"James?" Kendall asks.

"Huh?"

"Did you hear me? You should look for gay Jewish lifestyle groups."

"Yeah…" James's voice trails off sadly as he trudges ahead, dragging Kendall along by the hand.

"Hey, wait! Slow down!" The blond calls out. James suddenly stops and he turns around to see Kendall. He makes a sad, pouty face and slumps his shoulders.

"The last time we spoke, we had an argument," James says quietly. Kendall releases his hand and comes up close to his face. Tears have dried on James's bright cheeks.

"Ohh," Kendall says. Foot traffic passes around the two boys as silence chokes them. "About?"

"Being gay, of course." James kicks at the ground.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Kendall asks cautiously, but James shakes his head. "Let's just go home," the brunet sighs.

James stops going to school altogether. He becomes increasingly introverted and spends most of the day lying on Kendall's cot, just thinking. "I gotta go play for a while," Kendall says, and every time James just nods and looks away. The pain of losing Rabbi Berkovic alone is enough to destroy him from the inside out, but dealing with his sexuality and his parents has sent him over the edge. Kendall has to keep working though, so he can't baby the boy too much.

"Finally," Kendall says, slamming down some cash on the counter at a phone service store. The clerk smiles and hands him his purchase. Kendall grins. "Now I got no money, but at least I'm reachable again!" Brand new, crazy expensive phone clutched in his fist, Kendall trots back home after a long day of playing. Christmas is just around the corner and the streets of New York are lined with pine trimmings and giant red bows. Hokey music plays from storefronts and couples seem a little closer. Is there anything Kendall can do to bring out the romance in his relationship with James? They've been sexually stagnant since losing the Rabbi. Kendall doesn't put any pressure on him, knowing that the mourning process is difficult, but being cramped up in that sweaty cot next to such a fine specimen of a boyfriend is getting a bit, well, hard.

When Kendall comes up into the mudroom of the townhouse apartment, he's ambushed by Lucy. Not looking at him, she sharply says, "Your eye is better. I need my makeup back."

"Oh!" Kendall hoots. "But it's still kinda greenish! I've been using it—"

"I need it back," Lucy hisses, still avoiding eye contact. Kendall frowns. "Um, okay then. Sure." He tries to be friendly and goes to retrieve the concealer. James is sleeping, making tiny, whiny snores, but doesn't notice Kendall come in and out of the loft. When he pops back to the mudroom, Lucy is in the same place. She makes a stank face at the floor.

"Here," Kendall says as he presents the compact to her. Lucy quickly snatches it from his fingers and silently runs back to her room. "Wait!" the boy calls out and Lucy stops before the door closes. "What…"

"Why are you so angry?" Kendall asks.

"I'm not," Lucy says quickly. Her slim fingers grip the threshold with uneasiness. "I just thought, well, it's been a while and I need my makeup."

"What's going on?" Kendall insists. He slowly walks up behind Lucy, making a sad, concerned face. His freckles crinkle within the fine creases of his pout. After a moment of silence, where Lucy stares forward at nothing, she suddenly flips her face around and glares up at the blond. "I didn't know you were gay," she hisses.

"Sorry," Kendall apologizes immediately.

"Now I feel like a fucking _idiot_."

"Why?"

Her words lash out from between her grimacing teeth. "I thought you were _interested _in me."

"Sorry," is all the boy can say again. Obviously it's not good enough for Lucy. Her upper lip twitches and she slips into her room, slamming the door quite rudely behind. Kendall sighs. He had a feeling that was going to happen one day, but he hoped that she would have been more reasonable.

Oh well.

He returns to his room solemnly and shuts himself away with James. "Hey," Kendall coos quietly as he steps up to the bed. He tries to shake off any negativity from his confrontation with Lucy.

"Rrrffrr mrrrphhrphh prrrfrrr," a muffled cry into the pillow rumbles around James.

"What's that?" Kendall asks sweetly. He sits down on the cot and puts an open hand on James's back. The brunet turns his face to the side and says, "There's a funeral on Sunday."

"Are you going?"

"Yes of course. I loved Rabbi Berkovic. I have to show the proper respect. But, can you come with me?"

"I will. Sure."

James peers up at Kendall with one eye and manages to squeeze a smile. "Thanks."

* * *

It happens on a cloudy day. The family of Rabbi Berkovic arrives at the cemetery early, whilst James and Kendall come a bit later. He knows that his mother and father will be there. It will be unpleasant for sure.

"You really want me here, right?" Kendall asks as they make their way to the cemetery. They take a bus there.

"You're the one always telling me to embrace who I am."

"That's true. But you also shouldn't start trouble."

"I'm not starting trouble. I'm coming to see off a very dear friend of mine. The fact that my shitty parents are attending as well has nothing to do with my role."

"Alright," Kendall agrees with a quick nod. "Can't argue with that logic. And I _am _glad to see you're becoming comfortable with your sexuality."

"It's taking time," James admits. He closes his eyes briefly. "It can be real hard to break away."

"I know the feeling."

"How so? Seems like you've had an easy life, emotionally speaking."

"Kinda," Kendall says as he sighs. "But nobody's life is easy. Like, a lot of guys in my neighborhood really freaked out when I started to date Logan."

"Logan?" James asks. He blinks a few times at Kendall blankly.

"My old boyfriend."

"Ohh, I didn't know his name." It looks like there is a small hint of jealousy in James's tone, but Kendall can't imagine why.

"We broke up a while ago," Kendall explains. He hopes that will ease the conflicting emotions. "But like I said; I think people had joked about me and Logan dating for a long time. We were best friends and did everything together. When we actually had a relationship out in the open, guys I knew freaked out. A lotta friends had nothing to do with me after that. I dunno why. Maybe my lifestyle was too different and scared them, or maybe they were angry that I had a great love they couldn't find for themselves."

The bus goes over a few bumps and the boys are jostled around. James keeps his hands in his own lap. "A great love?" he asks shyly.

"Yeah. Logan and I had a fantastic relationship."

"So then why did it end?"

"Just worked better as friends," Kendall says with a shrug.

"Then it couldn't have been such a 'fantastic relationship', right?"

"Ehh, it's sorta complicated. But we're still friends, even now. Not sure what he's been up to since I left for the city, but when I go back we'll still be friends."

"Oh…"

"What?" the blond asks. James looks out of the bus window and sighs quietly. "What?" Kendall asks again.

"When you go back," James reiterates solemnly. "When you go back."

"But you're gonna come with me, right?"

"I suppose."

"I thought you already agreed to that? You said you'd come with me, right?" Kendall's forehead wrinkles with worry.

"I did," James says. "And I think I mean it. When do you think you'll move?"

"Not sure."

"Oh, here's the stop."

The bus comes to a halt and they follow a couple other folks out onto the street. They face a large gated expanse filled with beautiful tombstones. The thought of walking through a graveyard makes Kendall a little uneasy, but not as much as meeting James's parents. With a small sigh and a tiny smile, James reaches out and takes Kendall's hand into his. It pleases Kendall very much to know that he's finally happy with open expressions of their love. They head into the main building of the cemetery, which is already filled with many guests to see Rabbi Berkovic off. The service has yet to begin.

As soon as the doors open and James and Kendall come inside, a stern man standing among others his age turns his head violently towards them. He stares with daggers in his eyes and comes quickly up to the boys. Kendall immediately recognizes him as James's father.

"_This?!_" He snaps in an angry, dark whisper. James's sparkling hazel eyes quiver uneasily and he's unable to speak. "Well?!" His father adds impatiently.

"Well what?" Kendall asks.

"I wasn't talking to _you_," James's father barks. "I was talking to my idiot of a son. You disappear, drop out of school which I have paid for, by the way, and then you _dare _show up at a place of worship with _him?_ This is _him_, isn't it?"

Kendall doesn't like how he's being treated as an inanimate object, and doesn't like how much attention they're bringing from the small crowd.

"He's not an 'it', dad," James says. He tries very hard to remain cool and focused. "His name is Kendall. And he's my boyfriend."

"Shame on you," James's dad says. "Shame on you for bringing him here. It's vile. It's terrible. You've brought nothing but distress and disappointment to your family. You should be ashamed of yourself."

James begins to silently cry. Tears well up in his eyes and roll down his cheeks, but his father isn't touched. He simply shakes his head with his arms tightly folded, tapping his foot. Kendall takes an arm and slips it around James's waist; a move that makes the father look absolutely nauseas.

"It's okay," Kendall says. "You've done nothing wrong."

"Nothing wrong?" James's father says. He's almost laughing behind his heavy mustache. "He's practically done everything wrong."

"D-dad," James mutters. Basically everyone in the room is watching the family argue now. "You once told me that you wished I was never born. Well," he inhales a deep, sharp breath. Suddenly his face goes from a soft, sensitive and hurt young man to something angry. His eyes burn with hatred and his skin flushes red. "As far as I'm concerned, you're dead to me."

James sneers once, grabs Kendall by the arm and they leave the building immediately. As they rush out, Kendall looks over his shoulder and sees a woman that he safely assumes is James's mother, holding her fingers to her lips and starting to cry as well. The double doors close loudly and James runs onto the sidewalk. "The fuck!" he shouts. "_The. Fuck._"

"Sorry," Kendall says quietly. He gives James a tight hug and holds him like that for a moment. The tears have subsided and all he feels now is rage.

"Fucking dad," James mutters. "Fucking dad with his fucking bullshit."

"Gotta calm down a little bit, babe," Kendall tells him.

"I know, I know. Sorry."

"It's gonna be alright." He lights a cigarette for James and puts it into his mouth. The boys smoke together and head home without mentioning the incident at all. There's no reason to. The damage has been dealt and everyone knows how everyone else feels. Any further discussion would just bring about unnecessary sadness and pain.

As they ride the bus home, James finds himself thinking about Logan. He wonders what sort of person he is, and how a love relationship turned into a friendship like that. It seems so strange. His mind wanders to his past loves and what ever became of them. First he considers Itay, who had moved back to Israel. Was he dealing with the same frustration with his parents that James was, or did he break free? Was there a new man in his life? Did he remember James? Those questions seem impossible to answer now. Life moves too fast. The people in his past are immortalized as still pictures in his mind. Those days are gone and he can't go back. Now he even forgets the taste and smell of those men, as they likely forget his, too.

"What happened to them," James considers out loud.

"Hm?" Kendall asks. He nose is touching the cold glass of the window and he watches the city lights roll by as the bus carries on.

"Just talking to myself."

"'Bout what?"

"_My _exes."

"Ohhh."

"I wonder what's happened to them."

"The guy in Israel, right? And the guy from the gay-no-more thing?"

"Yes. Carlos. That was the second guy's name."

"Carlos?" Kendall asks, somewhat surprised. He laughs shortly. "Was he Hispanic?"

"Yes, why?" James leers at Kendall suspiciously, and the blond can't tell if he's actually mad or just teasing. "I dunno," Kendall admits with a shrug. "It just seemed strange."

"It wasn't," James insists. "He was very cute."

"Top or bottom?"

"Both. We were both very versatile." James laughs. "You know, it's funny; they try to make a group of young boys become straight by locking them away with each other. What did they expect?"

"People are dumb," Kendall says. He looks out of the window again.

"For sure," the other guy agrees. He doesn't go into any more detail, but his mind wanders far back into those memory banks. Carlos was very cute and very versatile. When they met at the "lifestyle reorganization" camp, it was love at first sight. The Latino's cute, cheeky grin flashed real big when James introduced himself. They were bunkmates, so for three weeks they would be forced into being best friends. The camp was sort of like jail because it was all one big building filled with tiny cell-like rooms. Two guys were assigned to each room to sort of watch over each other. Evidently, they usually became an item and then were taken away prematurely by their parents. It would seem that nobody left the place any straighter than they entered.

For James and Carlos, it was the beginning of something almost beautiful. James came into the room feeling shy and awkward and though Carlos did too, he didn't show it as well. The Hispanic boy threw his suitcase onto the top bunk and yelled, "DIBS ON TOP BUNK!" James let him run by without saying anything. He climbed up to the top bunk and immediately began to toss his things all over the bed.

"Um, I'm James by the way."

"Carlos."

"Heh, alright." James laughed shyly and delicately placed his luggage onto his bottom bunk. He unzipped the side and started to take his clothes out, one by one, and laid them in the small, cheap dresser they had been provided. "Do you need room in this for your clothes?"

"Nah, I don't care," Carlos said. He rolled on his back and stuck his feet onto the ceiling. The bed was just close enough that he could clap the soles of them onto it.

"Okay, if you're sure."

"Yup!" Carlos cheered. In a sudden move, he let off of the ceiling and slid onto his stomach. His face popped over the edge of the bed and he looked down at James, who was smoothing out his hair, which was decently longer than it was now, with an expensive comb. "So like," Carlos said quietly. His cheerful disposition was sucked away all at once. "How'd you get stuck into coming here?"

"My fucking parents broke me up with my best friend," James grumbled. He flipped his hair to the side and gazed up at Carlos, who was staring down at him wide eyed. "Oohhhh," the Latino said.

"What about you?" James asked.

"Okay so like, my parents were out of town, right?" Carlos began to explain with an eager demeanor. "But they came home a day too early, in the middle of the night. They sneak upstairs and find me with six other dudes crammed into their bed."

"What!? No way!" James gasped and Carlos bursted into laughter.

"Oh man! I almost had you!"

"A joke?" the white boy asked.

"Yeah. It was funny, right?"

"Not really. It was sort of gross."

"Sorry. But it sorta happened. Only it was just one guy, and it was my own bed."

"Ohh, I see. That sucks." James zipped his suitcase up again and slid it beneath the bottom of the bed. He looked up at Carlos again and smiled. "What happened to him?"

"To who?" Carlos asked.

"The guy you were sleeping with."

"Oh. Yeah. Well. He was just some dude."

"Ahh, okay."

"Yours? What about yours? That boyfriend or whatever?"

"His parents took him out of the country and back to Israel," James said with a sad sigh.

"Sucks. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. It's not your fault, really."

"Do you think you'll turn straight here?" Carlos asked in utter seriousness.

"No way," James replied. "I was born gay. It's not going to change."

Here, James has to pause the memory. It suddenly occurs to him that he had once been very into his sexuality. Those days when he was a teenager, he used to prance around with his gay title quite happily. What changed? It was his parents for sure; his father in particular. He was so angry and disappointed by the way James acted that the mentally beat him into submission.

James watches Kendall as he looks out of the window. He thinks about how nice it must be to have understanding parents. But it doesn't matter. James knows that his father will never change, and deep down his father likely knows that James will never change. Cutting them out of his life was the best decision, especially considering how many great guys they cut out of _his _life.

"Thinkin' hard?" Kendall asks. James snaps out of his deep subconscious and stares at the blond with wide eyes. "Yeah-huh, I think so," James says. "Thinking about my life."

"Don't think about it too much," Kendall warns. "You can get caught up in all sorts of scary epiphanies and shit."

James smiles. He takes Kendall's fingers in his hand and squeezes them lightly. "You're funny," James says.

"Funny?"

"Yes. Funny."

"Whatever you say," Kendall chuckles. "Whatever you say."

The bus lets them off close to the townhouse and they walk just a little ways home. It's getting chilly as the sun goes down. "Sorry you couldn't see Rabbi Berkovic off," Kendall says.

"It's fine."

"I know that meant a lot to you. Your dad's a real ass."

"I know," James sighs. They approach their place of residence and take the stairs all the way up. It seems that nobody else is home as they walk through the house. Kendall pulls down the loft's door and they go up together. He clicks on a little space heater by his bed and starts to get undressed. James teeters over to the small, single window and peers out of it. The trashcans are empty and the ally below is almost tidy for once. His mind is still on Logan. And Carlos. And Itay. It burns his heart as he remembers how many people in his life are gone, seemingly forever.

"James?" Kendall's voice asks sweetly.

"Hm?"

"You okay?"

"I guess," James sighs under his breath and keeps his vision fixed out of the window. He closes his eyes and tries his best not to cry, since he has shed enough tears today to last a month. The floor creaks as Kendall walks up behind the brunet slowly, and then his bare arms wrap around his waist and they embrace. James keeps his eyes closed as he melts into Kendall's firm embrace.

"You're better off without your family, y'know," Kendall whispers.

"I know," James says in bitter agreement. "I wish it didn't make me so angry, though."

"It happens."

"Stupid."

Kendall shushes James and starts to kiss his neck. He plants a tiny row of kisses from his earlobe down to his shoulder blade, tickling James the entire time and sending shivers down his spine. James really gets off on having the slender of them take charge, though he won't turn down any invitation to change things up.

"Kendall?" James whispers.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you'll get back with Logan when you move home?"

"No. Why would you even say that?" Kendall stops kissing and instead presses his cheek against James's.

"I don't know…I worry. You say you had such a great friendship, but now you're here, etc. etc."

"Yeah it's all true, but seriously we're just friends. I got you now. I'm not gonna give up on that."

"Sure?"

"Yeah. Why are you doubting me constantly?"

"Maybe I just doubt everyone."

"Well stop," Kendall says. He turns James around and makes him look in his eyes. The green globes wiggle with a deep intensity. "If you're gonna trust only one person, trust me. I got your best interest at heart and I fucking mean it. Okay?"

"Okay," James agrees quietly.

"Good. I'm glad." Now Kendall smiles. He leans in and kisses James gently on the lips, just for a moment. "From here on out," Kendall says. "Everything is gonna be alright."


	10. Chapter 10

10

James dreams about Carlos that night. It's a bit of a memory, but also contorted by sleep. He remembers being at the camp, sleeping in his tiny bed all cramped up against the wall, waiting for the next day to come. It seemed endless.

In the dream, someone pulls down the sheets from James's eyes and smiles. James looks up and sees Carlos. He pokes James on the nose and whispers "Wake up sleepy head."

"Huh?" James mumbles.

"You forgot about me," Carlos says. He deep chocolate eyes wiggle sadly. "Don't you remember our promise?"

"Our…promise?" James rubs his eyes. He sits up and stares at Carlos tiredly. "We had a promise?"

"Yeah!" the Hispanic boy cheers. As he continues to speak, his voice changes. It becomes higher. "We said that…yeah…oh, mom, of course. I wouldn't forget!"

"What?!"

James startles and he wakes up. He opens his eyes suddenly and sees the wall of Kendall's loft. He was _so _far away in dreamland that it's daunting to be awake now. The voice continues. It's Kendall. "How much? Oh wow! No kidding?"

James rolls over and sees a fuzzy outline of Kendall pacing around the room. He has his new phone up to his ear and he seems to be smiling. "Yup!" he says. "Thanks. Oh yeah. I will. Don't worry about it! Awww, mom, I'd love to, but you know. Uh huh! Alright. Okay. I love you, too. Bye!" He hangs up the phone and shoves it into his pocket.

"Hey," James mumbles, startling Kendall.

"Oh! Didn't know you were up! Did I wake you?"

"No."

"Good!" Kendall smiles real big. He steps over to the bed, bends down and kisses James on the forehead. "You must've been dreaming something fierce."

"How come?" James asks.

"You were shaking and mumbling a lot in your sleep."

"I _was_?" James tries to remember his dream but he draws a blank.

Kendall shakes his head. "It's okay. Couldn't've been that bad if you don't remember it."

"Right…so were you talking to your mother just then, I guess?"

"Yep."

"How is she?"

Kendall stretches his arms high above his head and suppresses a yawn. "Good," he says with a wince. "She wants me home for Christmas but I can't afford it. Ohh, oh! Aren't you doing Hanukkah now or something?"

"No," James says quickly.

"Do you mean 'no it's not time' or 'no I'm not doing it at all'?"

"No I'm not doing it at all."

Kendall frowns and gasps. "Why?" He asks sweetly.

James covers his head with the sheets again and groans loudly. "I don't want to be reminded," he whines. "I _can't_ be reminded."

"You wanna do Christmas with me?" Kendall asks very quietly.

"Is that sacrilegious?" James peeps.

"I don't think so. You can do what you want. Let's do it together. Y'know how Christmas works?"

"Not totally." James starts to come around. He pops out of the sheets and sits up in bed all of the sudden. With a cute, shy smile, he looks to Kendall and takes his hand. "Teach me."

"Alright well," Kendall begins to explain. He takes a seat beside James. "Basically you get the tree, and you decorate it, and then you have stockings and well….I'm not doing all that. I guess, we have presents on Christmas day. And usually a nice dinner."

"Just one day?"

"Yep."

"Alright."

"So you wanna? Wanna have Christmas with me?" Kendall asks with a big grin.

"I will!"

They get out and early for a nice stroll around the city. Kendall is going to play guitar at the park and James has agreed to pal around with him and watch. He isn't going to class anymore and it's hard to find things to do. Just recently, he's considered finding a job. It worries him how much longer his father will support him. In fact, it's a mystery why he still has money in his account.

But he tries not to worry about it. Instead, James takes Kendall's free hand and heads down a crowded street together. The weather forecast calls for snow again soon, but the people seem unfazed.

Kendall lights up a cigarette and offers one to James. "What d'you think will happen with your old man?"

"I don't know," James says, shaking his head. "And I don't especially care."

"Fair enough," Kendall agrees with a smirk. "I've said it before and I'll say it again—fuck 'em!"

James laughs just a little. "I guess." He inhales the cigarette and sighs, thinking. As their feet carry them down the sidewalk, his mind drifts aimlessly to his dream that night. It comes back in a flash and he hears Carlos's voice.

_Don't you remember our promise?_

As if he was smacked upside the head, James suddenly spits his cigarette to the ground and freezes in his tracks.

"What happened?" Kendall asks.

"Oh, man," James gasps quietly, staring at the acres of people ahead of him. _That's right, _he thinks. _Our promise. _

"James? Hey? What happened?" Kendall asks over and over. He waves his hand in front of the brunet desperately. "You okay, dude?"

"Yes, I just…" James breathes rather heavily. "I just remembered something."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"It doesn't matter," James shakes his head and starts walking again. "Don't worry about it."

"Um, okay," Kendall apprehensively agrees. "If you're sure." James is clearly upset and Kendall doesn't it like it one bit.

"I'm…" James mutters and frowns. "Yes I'm sure."

Kendall looks over at him and sighs to himself. Clearly something has suddenly upset him. What did he just remember?

"Is it family?" Kendall asks.

"I said don't worry about it." James gives a weak but reassuring smile to Kendall.

* * *

_"I know we'll find each other again someday," Carlos whispered. "I mean, New York isn't all that big."_

_"True, true," James agreed. They were cuddled up against each other beneath the cheap sheets of the "lifestyle reorganization" camp. Their young, tender hands clasped together and Carlos started to laugh. "What?" James asked softly._

_"Well like, what if we don't?"_

_"Don't what?"_

_"Find each other again."_

_"We will," James tried to reassure him. "You're the one saying we will. What's up with that?"_

_"I dunno," Carlos muttered. His dark chocolate eyes quivered with an odd sort of seriousness that he rarely felt. "I think we should leave each other secret letters."_

_"Where?"_

_"In Central Park."_

_"Central Park is huge, Carlitos."_

_"Yeah I know, duh. That's why we'll hide them in the Alice in Wonderland statue!" Carlos grinned real wide._

_"How will we do that?" James asked._

_"Just tuck them under her mushroom. There's gotta be room there. So how about it?"_

_"Um, okay. Not entirely sure what I'm agreeing to."_

_"It's a promise," Carlos said. He stared back at James with a look of pride, somewhat akin to a soldier or a secret service member. "A promise to leave notes to each other at the Alice in Wonderland statue, so after my stupid mami comes and pulls me from here tomorrow, we can find out where we are."_

_"But what if I just tell you where I live now?" James asked, blinking slowly._

_"My mami is gonna go through all of my shit and gut it all. I can't have that!"_

_"Oh come on."_

_"And she won't let me see any of that mail you send, anyway."_

_"Yeah, that's true. My parents would probably take it from me," James said with a sigh._

_"But it's super romantic, right?" Carlos asked. "You gotta admit that. Promise me? Just promise me."_

_"Okay. I promise."_

* * *

"I have to check something," James says with a sudden sense of urgency. They have just arrived in Central Park and Kendall is looking for a place to set up and play.

"Um, okay," Kendall says quietly. He's been keeping a close eye on his partner, relatively worried about this strange and recent behavior change.

"Do you mind if I disappear for a little bit? You'll be here, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll be back, promise." James tries to flash his pearly whites but is unsuccessful. The promise he made to Carlos almost four years ago was obviously broken. He completely forgot about it and that makes him feel like shit. As he walks through the park in search of that Alice in Wonderland statue, his breathing grows and he begins to feel nervous all over. Partially he has guilty thoughts for putting himself, and Carlos, above Kendall, but it's so overwhelming he can't help it. Maybe it's just a convenient outlet to forget about his family.

He gets to the statue and begins to search around the mushroom. Tourists who want to take pictures stop and give him strange looks, but James just looks pretty and tries to brush them off. Then his heart sinks. He sighs loudly and almost starts to cry. Tucked away in a small crack is a giant wad of letters, rolled up real tight. He pulls them out and lets them settle in his open hands. He counts seven. Seven letters. They are addressed to "My James."

Shaking, James gets out of everyone's way and collapses onto a bench. Is this something Kendall should know about? He's not sure. He wants to share these painful thoughts, but it also feels too heavy. As the world passes by with all of its usual chatter and footsteps, James starts to take apart the letters and read them. They've lost any chronological order to them, so he picks one at random.

_James_

_I guess you aren't getting these. It's okay. Maybe you moved. Maybe you got in a lot of trouble, or I dunno. I'm getting over it. Don't worry. I'm happy without you. Just hope you have someone you're happy with, too._

_-C_

It's too much. James breaks down and cries, crinkling up the old papers in his hands. There are no dates on them, so it could be recent or several years old. How did time slip by like that? Had he really been so busy that he totally forgot about what he and Carlos had together? The pain chokes him. His hands hold his face and he cries without a single bother if people around him care or not. Life is a series of spectacles. What's one more?

"James, James," he hears Kendall whisper into his ear softly. James jumps a bit in surprise and turns to see the blond sitting next to him. "You think I'd really let you run off like that alone?"

"I'm not sure," James mumbles, sniffing.

"What's going on? What's all that?"

James opens his hands once more and shows the papers to Kendall. "I didn't want to tell you," he whispers.

"Why not? What is it?"

"M-my boyfriend from the camp," James says. It's so painful for Kendall to see this massive, gorgeous man huddled over with such tears. Everything in James's life seems to cause him upset. It's not fair. "We promised to leave letters for each other. B-but I forgot. A-and…he…didn't."

For some reason, James expects Kendall to get mad or jealous about this, but he doesn't. Instead, he wraps his thin arms around him and gives him a tight, caring hug. He puts a kiss on James's cheek and coos "don't worry about it."

"How can I not…"

"What's done is done," Kendall tells him. "You can't go back in time. But, maybe leave a letter and see what happens, right? Okay, there's something special about Christmas, I dunno if it applies to your religion, too."

"What…"

"We have these things called 'Christmas Miracles.' Ever heard of it?"

James shakes his head.

"Sometimes," Kendall continues, trying to speak in a cheerful tone to improve James's mood. "Wishes and dreams manage to come true around Christmas. It just…happens! I dunno why! But it does! So maybe this guy's Christmas Miracle will be you writing back to him. I mean, well, like, do you want to be with him again?"

"No, I want to be with you." The sweetness in James's voice is so genuine and adorable that Kendall also starts to tear up. He stares into the sparkling hazel eyes and smiles.

"You do?" Kendall asks to reassure himself he really heard that.

"Yes, of course," James says. "I already said I will go back to Kansas with you someday. I want to be with you."

Kendall's heart beats twice as fast. Hearing James confirm these truths is so pleasant and amazing that he can't really convey his feelings properly.

They put the letters away and decide to head home, even though Kendall hasn't made nearly enough for the day. It doesn't matter for now. James is worn out; James has _been _worn out, and he needs his own Christmas Miracle to come true. But what is it?

* * *

Kendall softly nudges James onto the bed. The brunet falls back and lets Kendall climb on top of him. Finally, they're both all smiles again. Now that the major anxiety surrounding Carlos and the letters has passed, James can refocus on the number one man in his life.

"I need you with me," James whispers. His hands run beneath Kendall's shirt and start to pull it off of him. With his bare chest exposed, James explores it using just his fingertips.

"I do, too," Kendall adds. Straddling James around the waist now, he leans down and puts a few kisses onto his forehead. "You're amazing, you know that?"

"Well, I'm not sure about _amazing_…"

"You are." Kendall smiles. He lightly touches his shoulders and feels the hard muscle beneath. James has such lovely boy curves.

"I'm worried about my future," James admits in a tiny whisper.

"Why?"

"I don't know where it will take me."

"Nobody knows where it will," Kendall says, still kissing him off and on all over his face. He nuzzles his cheek with his nose and smiles a bit. "That's just how life works. It's not bad."

The brunet frowns. "I'm afraid I'll lose you."

"I know you're afraid," Kendall comforts him. He lowers himself down so that they're chests and plastered together. "I bet your still shook up about the rabbi, huh?"

"Of course," James whispers, now clinging to Kendall in some kind of desperation. "Even though he didn't approve of my lifestyle and he wanted to change me, he was still a great friend and knew me well. It's hard to lose…ugh…it's hard to lose everyone."

"But you still have me," Kendall says. "Instead of worrying about the future, maybe you should focus on what you have when you have it? Like, I could be all sad and hung up about my relationship ending with Logan. I'm not sure what's going to happen when I come home to him with you. Maybe he'll be jealous? Maybe he thinks we'll get back together when I get back? But it doesn't matter. I have you now and that's all that I care about."

James is silent for a while, just hugging Kendall and thinking. He closes his eyes and returns the nuzzles, breathing steadily. It's so beautiful. The image of the two boys, so different in shape yet similar in the heart, cuddled together on the small cot is almost farmable in its beauty. Kendall's long, pale torso sits a top James and his thick yet slender body. It looks like a greyhound and a husky; different kinds of gorgeous that complement each other well.

With a tiny sigh, James parts his lips and whispers, "I have fallen for you, you know."

"Yeah I know," Kendall replies with a smirk. He brings a slender hand up to James's face and runs the back of his palm on is cheek. James's hazel eyes sparkle up at Kendall and he finally smiles.

"I knew when I first saw you, back at Berkovic's place, that we were meant to be. It was some sort of divine destiny that brought us together. Do you think you came to New York just to find me?"

"I'm not sure," Kendall says. "That's definitely part of it. But I hope maybe I can do stuff with my music here, too. It's rough though. This city is a rough place."

"I want to get out so badly," James sighs.

"Well, if I turn around and go home now, it's basically giving up without even trying. And that's something I never do."

"I understand," James frowns.

"But don't be sad," Kendall says. He kisses his partner on the lips briefly. "Whatever's gotta happen is gonna happen, right?"

"Right," James says apprehensively.

"You need to learn how to relax," Kendall tells him.

"Do you think so?"

"Yeah, totally. You're so tense. It makes me feel bad."

"It was the way I was raised, I guess."

"Hmmm," Kendall hums. He kisses James on the cheek and then runs a trail down to his neck and into the crook. His hands both cradle his shoulders as he starts to suck on the flesh. James lets out a squeal of pleasure. Kendall's movements grow in passion and intensity. He now licks and sucks on James's neck, moving his head around from side to side and letting his hands wander downward. James closes his eyes tightly and cries out, moaning and groaning as their twin erections start to press against each other.

"F-fuck me," James pleads.

"Oh? You want that?"

"Please. Please fuck me."

A wicked little smile grows across Kendall's face and he sits up all of the sudden. He props James's ass against his waist and pulls his legs high, so that he knees are close to his face. James looks up at him desperately, mouthing the words "fuck me" again. What a wonderful invitation for Kendall to get! He pops his throbbing cock out of his pants and slathers it with lubricant from the nightstand. As he nears James's ass, the brunet keeps his eyes fixated on his partner, looking almost sad with his overwhelming lust.

Kendall makes a slow entrance, cutting the raw arousal from their moment and transforming it into a more passionate, sensual act. His hips delicately, teasingly grind into James, creating low groans from both of the boys. The submission fills James with delight and he clutches the bed sheets wantonly.

"Ohh, Kendall," James moans, rolling his head back and crying in pleasure. "Feels so good."

"Your hole is so tight," Kendall huffs. He spreads James's legs apart a little further and dips down to kiss him. It's a struggle, but he makes it and their lips lock for a brief moment.

As he begins to slam the stud harder, Kendall realizes that he's crying. "What's wrong?" he asks softly.

"N-nothing," James sniffs between moans.

Kendall slows down almost entirely. "Does it hurt?"

"No."

"What happened? Baby…"

James raises his fingers to his face and wipes both of his eyes, looking embarrassed. Kendall feels bad. His erection quickly dies and his dick slides out.

"No, don't stop," James whines.

"I'm sorry," Kendall says. He relaxes James's legs out straight and lays on top of him again. "I can't fuck you if you're sad."

"I'm not sad," James says.

"Then why are you crying, sweetheart?" Kendall takes both of his hands and cups James's cheeks. He stares deeply into the sparkling eyes, trying to get a reading of what's inside.

"I'm a little overwhelmed with emotion, that's all," James says.

"Sorry. It's been so rough for you lately."

"Not just that," James says, sighing. He looks away from Kendall.

"What is it?" the blond asks. "What's bothering you?"

"It's not a bother, it's just…well…I really love you. I really love you a lot."

"That's fine," Kendall says, smiling. Hearing those words come from James's soft lips is nothing short of perfection. "It's good to have strong feelings. I love you, too."

"You do?" James asks, almost in disbelief. His eyes lock with Kendall's and he smiles.

"Yeah. I love you lots. And I love it that you love me. You have trouble with your feelings sometimes, don't you?"

"It seems wrong," James explains. "I mean, I can't deny how I feel, but something inside tells me it's wrong to love another man."

"Well don't you worry about that," Kendall says, hugging James real tight. He gets off of his chest and instead pulls him into a spooning position. "Love me, and love who you are."


	11. Chapter 11

The letters are too painful. James can't read them. He isn't sure what to do, and Kendall says he should just relax and enjoy the holiday season. The blond has decided that they should get some sort of Christmas tree.

"This is cute," Kendall says. They're at an uppity grocery store looking at holiday decorations. There is a one foot tall tree that comes with tiny LED lights and ornaments. "What d'you think?"

"It's not bad for my first time, I guess?" James says. "I'm not exactly a Christmas tree expert." He laughs.

"Okay, I think I'll buy it," Kendall agrees. He takes a nice looking one and goes to check out. James stays behind and looks at the other plants they're selling; an assortment of miniature evergreens but also ornamental ivy, rosemary and a few funny looking flowering plants that James honestly has never heard of before. Kendall comes back from the register with their new tree. "Wanna go set it up?"

When they get back home, Lucy and the other tenants are in the living room chatting quietly. Kendall sticks his head through the foyer, waving, and says "Hey guys! How's it going?" Lucy glares at him. "What's up?"

"You gotta be out by the end of the month," she says sharply.

"What?!" Kendall gasps. He almost drops the small tree. "Why?!"

"We all do," says Scott. "Landlord just called and told us. He's selling the joint."

"Ohh shit," Kendall curses. "Are you kidding?"

"No," Lucy says in a strangely mean tone. She keeps her eyes fixed on Kendall, and when James pops his head around the corner to see everyone she looks even angrier.

"Uh," Kendall says quietly. "James, let's keep going." They move away and head up to the loft. Kendall puts the tree on the ground lazily and flops face down on his cot.

"What did they say?" James asks.

"I gotta leave," Kendall groans. "We're getting kicked out and Lucy is being a bitch."

"Huh?"

"Owner is selling this place. We gotta leave."

"Where are you going to go?" James asks, wrinkling his forehead up in concern. He sits down beside Kendall on the bed and strokes his lean back.

"I don't know yet," Kendall sighs. "I'll start looking around."

James whines sadly. He lays his head down on Kendall's back and keeps petting him. "We've been so unlucky lately," he whispers.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Kendall agrees. "Mugged, our rabbi friend dies, your parents suck, now _this_."

"What are we going to do?" James asks in a tender whisper.

"Dunno," Kendall sighs. "Starting to think maybe the city isn't what I was expecting."

"How do you mean?"

Kendall turns over slowly and lets James rest on his chest. He takes him in his arms, somehow. "When I left Kansas, I had this wicked idea that the city would be some cool place to hang out and make friends. Figured it'd be mellow and people would love me. But all I get is the shit kicked out of me."

"Sorry," James says. "New York is a rough place."

"I find this out now," Kendall groans. He stares up at the ceiling and frowns, exhaling heavily. "I'm bad at making decisions."

"Why do you say that?"

"Sometimes I move too quickly. Get a crazy idea in my head all of the sudden then follow it on a whim. It seems cool at first but then it ends up being shitty."

"When else has this happened?" James asks quietly.

"Dating Logan."

"I thought you enjoyed that?"

"I _did_, but like I said, we worked better as friends. Seems silly to be friends, then date, then step back on everything and ultimately end where you started, right? We shouldn't have done that."

"Oh," James says. He crumples up the collar of Kendall's shirt and makes a sad whimper.

"What?" Kendall asks.

"Well…what about me?"

"What about you?"

James's eyes flicker sadly. "Was meeting me a bad choice?"

Kendall smiles. "No," he says quite confidently. "It wasn't. I s'pose there's a first time for everything, right?"

"Mhmm."

The blond does his best to pull James up to his face and their lips meet for a soft kiss. Their mouths are closed but it's full of love for each other.

"I got real lucky when I found you," Kendall whispers.

"Me, too," James responds. "You're the only good thing that's ever happened to me."

"I'm glad," Kendall says with a smile. "Hey so, even though today has turned out to be shit, do you want to decorate the tree?"

James nods. They get off of the cot and go to set up the little evergreen. It's wrapped up nicely. Kendall takes it out of the cellophane and puts it on his nightstand. "Here is good, right?"

"I guess," James says. "Where do they normally go?"

"Well, _normally _they're way bigger. Back home our tree is like 6 feet tall! We stick it somewhere in the middle of the living room."

"Woah, big tree."

"Yep! It looks awesome. Way nicer than this guy but hey, he'll do, right?" Kendall smirks and starts to take out all of the accessories. He hands half of the ornaments to James. "Just hang them like this," he says, demonstrating the proper technique. James nods and starts to stick them on.

"So what is the tree all about?" James asks.

"Uhh, not sure what the whole religious aspect of it is, but I know going way far back it was a pagan thing."

"Pagan, huh?"

"Yeah. Basically all Christian holidays are based on pagan things."

"Neat."

"It's cool how things evolve over time." Kendall strings the tiny lights around the tree in a spiral and plugs them in. "Ready?" James nods and then he flips them on. They're multicolored and sparkle brightly. James's face lights up when he sees it.

"It's beautiful."

"It sorta is, isn't it?" Kendall smiles. "All things considered, I think this will be a nice Christmas."

* * *

The next day brings shopping. Kendall drops the hint when he leaves for his guitar playing by saying, "So I can't have you come with me, because I have certain surprise things to do."

"I get it," James says with a smile.

"Maybe it's a good day for you to do certain surprise things too, hm?"

"Maaaaybe," the brunet winks.

"Heh okay, well I'll be home later." Kendall gives James a quick kiss on the cheek before he leaves him alone in the loft. He goes downstairs and unfortunately runs into Lucy on his way out. "Oh hey, you're leaving for work late today," he says, trying to be amicable.

"Yes," Lucy says stiffly.

"Hey, what's going on?" Kendall asks smoothly.

"Nothing," Lucy yips. She crouches down and puts her shoes on in a huff.

"Just the other day you were all cool and giving me makeup and stuff. Now you won't even look at me."

"People change," the girls says. Kendall stands by her awkwardly, carrying his guitar in one hand and the other shoved in his pocket.

"Okay, but it's weird," he says.

All of the sudden, Lucy stands up and gets in Kendall's face. Her eyebrows are furrowed and she snaps in an angry whisper, "I didn't know you were gay!" and walks out the door quickly.

"Ohh," Kendall says, even though she's run out of earshot. There's not much he can do, so he shrugs it off and makes his way downtown to start playing.

On the bus he feels sort of sad. Lucy probably thought she had a chance with him, but when he came home with James it shattered all of those hopes. It must have hurt her. Maybe he could do something nice for her to make it up to her? At least partially. Does Lucy have a Christmas Miracle she's been dreaming of?

After several hours of guitar playing and about $120 later, Kendall pokes around town to find something nice for James. What does he want? What does he need? He looks in a few storefront windows for inspiration. A nice jacket? No, he has plenty of clothes and his taste is far too precise for Kendall to emulate it correctly. Cologne? Kendall doesn't know what he wears; James would be better at picking it out himself. He could possibly get him something naughty, but that might be better for Valentine's day or so. Christmas should be more emotionally rewarding.

Kendall carries his guitar by his side as he strolls along the storefronts. Holiday shoppers as well as tourists flood the area with all sorts of chatter and noise. He is alone in his own little world, trying to figure out what would make James happy. It's hard. James needs his own Christmas Miracle, but what would it be? Freedom or acceptance?

He starts to feel sad. They have been terribly unlucky as of late and he really, _really _wants to turn things around for James. It's completely unfair that such a wonderful and beautiful person would have to endure this kind of hardship. What the hell is wrong with his father? Even in the end, Rabbi Berkovic started to come around. Kendall closes his eyes and hears the late man's voice in his head.

_"Then be that support system for him."_

All things considered, the rabbi was in fact a wonderful person. Kendall is confident that if he had lived longer, he would have inevitably sided with James and supported his lifestyle. He loved all people, regardless of their expression. That was obvious. Yes, his faith was very important to him, but he still looked at the world with an objective eye. Unlike James's father, there was room for flexibility in his set of beliefs.

Just then, Kendall goes past a store that catches his eye. He always misses it entirely but takes a few steps back when he sees what's in the window. It's a jewelry store that specializes in engravings, and on display in the middle are a bunch of different sparkling necklaces. What Kendall finds appealing is the star of David, suspended on a long chain. He goes inside the store and takes a closer look at it.

The necklace pendant is a solid piece of silver with no faceted stones; just the smooth surface cut into a six-point star. The back can be engraved.

_He hasn't given up on Judaism entirely, right? _Kendall thinks to himself. _He'll come home to it one day. He's even said that he loves the religion. _

Yes, it's perfect. Although the price is a bit steep and will certainly set Kendall back, he purchases the pendant and has it giftwrapped there. It's not exactly the most typical Christmas present, but if James turns his back on the religion his ultimately loves, he'll regret it one day. Kendall puts the box into his inner coat pocket and heads home triumphantly.

As he waits for the bus, he notices that it's about to snow some more. The air has that crisp scent of precipitation and despite the chatter of the city, it feels quieter. The sun will set soon and Kendall stares up at the sky. He contemplates what will happen to him. Maybe there will be another place to rent. There must be. It's a huge city. Tomorrow he will look at classified ads for rooms and hopefully grab one up real soon.

"Excuse me young man," an older woman's voice interrupts his thought process. "Do you have the time?"

"Oh. Yeah, sure." Kendall looks down at the woman and smiles, then takes out his phone to check the time. "Quarter to six."

"Thank you very much." She nods and turns away.

"No problem." Kendall smiles when he considers how there are actually a few people in the city that are nice. He watches the woman teeter away, still holding his phone in his hands. Maybe there is some beauty left in the world after all. His bus approaches and he goes to grab his guitar, but it's** gone**.

"SHIT!" Kendall screams when he comes home to James, who has been napping. He's seething with rage. "WHY THE FUCK DID I LET GO OF IT!"

"Not so loud," James groans.

"Sorry, sorry. It's just…ah…" Kendall collapses on the bed and puts his face into his palms. "That was my guitar. My old guitar that my dad gave me. It's not even worth much money, but…shit…shit! How am I gonna make money now?"

James looks up at Kendall sadly. "I don't know," he says quietly.

"No offense James, but FUCK THIS CITY!" Kendall grabs at his own hair and screams. "I get mugged. I get beat up. They steal my living. My fucking _living_. This is a fucking shit hole and I can't fucking stand it. I'm sorry, I gotta go. I gotta use my last money up and get the fuck out of here. I'm going home."

Kendall starts to cry. Tears of both sadness and frustration fall to the floor, one after the other. James sits up and gives Kendall a hug, but it doesn't do much good.

"Are you going with me like you said?" Kendall asks stiffly.

"Yeah, I will," James tells him, followed by a kiss on the cheek. "You're right. The city is a shit hole. We deserve better."

"I hate this," Kendall groans. "I fucking hate this."

* * *

Airfare is too expensive before Christmas, so they wait until after the holiday. That gives them the chance to at least celebrate before they leave. It's a sad, grumpy Christmas, but Kendall wants to give James the experience anyway. Kendall has never had such a wimpy Christmas. Back home it was always a big deal. Nothing overwhelming but still busy and fun with lots of people, laughter and food. The smell of his mom in the kitchen making Christmas dinner was always amazing, not to mention pastries and cocoa in the morning. But not this time; at least he had James to keep him company.

The boys wake up early and Kendall plugs in the tree. "There," he says quiet plainly. "Here's the tree. Now we can open presents now or later. What d'you think?"

"Now," James says, smiling. He pulls something out from under the cot and hands it to Kendall. It's a fairly large box and it's been wrapped real nice.

"Ohh," Kendall coos. "Thank you." He takes his present to James and puts it in his hands. "I hope you like it."

They open the gifts simultaneously, but James is the first to react. "Oooo!" he hoots as he looks the jewelry over. "It's gorgeous. I love it." He leans forward and kisses Kendall on the lips.

"I don't want you to forget where you came from," Kendall tells him quietly. "I know you're angry at your family now, but you're still Jewish and you want to hold onto it."

"Yes, you're right," James says. He puts the necklace around his neck and smiles. "How does it look?"

"Amazing," Kendall says. Kisses him once on each cheek then looks down at his present. Beneath the wrapping is an unmarked box, which seems to have clothing on the inside. He pulls up the lid and reveals a dark sweater. "Ohh. What's this?"

"Cashmere," James tells him. "It's super, super nice."

Kendall takes it out of the box and holds it up. It's a slender, long sleeved sweater, all dark blue that's extremely soft to the touch. "Wow," Kendall says. "This is gorgeous. Probably the nicest thing I now own."

"It's very warm," James says.

"Thank you." Kendall puts it back in the box to keep it clean and goes in to give James a hug. They embrace tightly and their hearts beat together. "I love it," Kendall whispers. "And I love you."

"I love you, too." James says. He nuzzles his face into the crook of Kendall's neck, sighing. "So we'll be out of here soon then, right?"

"Yeah. Are you sure you want to go?"

"Yes, I am. I want to get out of here. I want to see new things." James lets go of Kendall and stares him in the eyes. His hazel globes twinkle with determination. "I've always dreamed of the country. Now I'll see it. I can finally leave this place I hate so much and live a new life."

"Good!" Kendall says with a smile. He touches James's cheek softly. "Then I'm looking forward to starting a new chapter, just you and me."

They purchase their tickets and start to pack up. James has very few things left these days from moving out of his parents' so it's easy. The emotional toll is heavy though, despite the desire to break away. James has lived his entire life in this city. His future is now completely uncertain. He worries somewhat, but is confident that Kendall has his best interest at hear.

Before they leave, James writes a letter and tucks it away underneath the mushroom at the Alice in Wonderland statue. He runs back to Kendall, smiling.

"What does it say?" the blond asks.

"Hmmm," James hums. "I wrote, 'Dear Carlos, I've found happiness. I hope you have, too.' How is that?"

"Perfect, I'd say." Kendall takes James's hand and squeezes it as they walk away. "And have you?"

"Yes, I have."

**End of Part One**


	12. Chapter 12

Part Two

Country Sunset

**Sorry it's been taking me a long time on these updates. I've been busy with other things, and I lost enthusiasm for this story. But I'll try my best to see it through to the end. Also, apparently I can't use real people in the fic, so I have to use Diamond and Knight e_e I have made up what the family is like, for the most part, so don't try to pair it with who the really are.**

_Meet me at the corner…_

Like a scene from an old black and white movie, snow falling all around, her white face stares up at his, shaded by heavy shadows and she asks, "Are you sure you have to go?"

"Yes," he replies. "I do."

The world is silent around the two of them. In just a few hours, he will be many miles away, leaving this old life behind.

"Why? I don't understand. Why so far?"

"I have to. I love him."

"Will you come home?"

"It's not home anymore."

She reaches up and touches the collar of his coat, crying. "I don't want you to go," she says.

"I'm sorry," he tells her. "But we'll be in touch, always. I promise."

"Well…" the girl inhales deeply and wets her lips. "Okay. I guess it can't be helped anyway."

"One day you'll understand what love is." A taxi cab pulls up along the snow covered curb and someone within waves. "That's my ride," he says. "I have to go. I'll text you when I touch down in my new home."

"I'll miss you," she sobs. "I'll miss you every day."

"I will, too." They embrace tightly. "I love you, baby sister."

* * *

"I hate, hate, hate airplanes," Kendall groans. He puts a pair of headphones on and grumbles.

"I like them," James says. He's looking out of the tiny window, examining the passing clouds. "Isn't it every human's dream to fly?"

"Yeah but not like this. We aren't supposed to be confined in a nasty, stuffy room full of pressurized air that smells like farts and frozen food."

"Mmmm." James keeps his focus outside of the window. _Bye, New York. Don't let the door hit you on the way out._

"Ummmff…" Kendall growls. He sits back in his chair and stares up at the knobs above him, eyes wide open. James rests his head on Kendall's shoulder and sighs.

"What's wrong."

"Still pissed about my guitar," Kendall grunts, pulling his headphones out.

"You can buy another one, right?"

"I got a second at home. It's just not the same. The other one was special."

"I'm sorry…" James reaches over and touches the top of Kendall's hand. He strokes the pale flesh lightly, trying to smile.

"Not your fault," Kendall says. He turns his hand up and takes James's fingers in his palm. The contrast of their hands is peculiar; despite his soft face and disposition, James has rugged, masculine fingers; and though Kendall's features have always been large and angular, his hands are quite thin. The feeling of James's heavy body, so tenderly touching his, makes Kendall's heart flutter.

"I wish there was something I could do," James laments.

"Ah, don't say that," Kendall says. "It's my fault for thinking I had a chance in that city. I probably shoulda looked into it more before going. But now I know better and I can close that chapter of my life. I'm trying to keep focused on the future now and not worry about the stupid shit I've done."

"Mmm…" James hums and closes his eyes, still propped on Kendall's shoulder. Their hands squeeze together.

About an hour into the flight, the boys' moods shift. Kendall starts to think about how he'll be home with his family and that makes him happy. He's looking forward to introducing his boyfriend to her. James, however, gets sadder and sadder as he realizes it might be a long time until he's back in New York City, if ever. He presses his face to the window, squeezing Kendall's thin fingers, and watches the sky roll by them. His sister's voice echoes in his mind. "_I don't want you to go_."

Kendall rips open the thin plastic around a blanket and drapes it over the both of them. He sneaks his hand over to James's lap and starts to rub the outside of his crotch.

"Kendall," James whispers. He peers over at the blond and raises an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

"Sitting on a plane with you," Kendall says with a smirk. The tips of his fingers touch along James's zipper, teasing with a slow tenderness.

"Kendall," James says again.

"What?" the blond asks, smiling naughtily.

"Is this necessary?"

"Sitting on a plane with you? Well, yeah! You wanna come home with me, right?" He unzips the fly and slides his fingers along James's underpants. His cock has grown nice and thick.

"Stop," James says.

"Why?" Kendall whispers.

"I don't want this right now."

Kendall's mouth presses up against James's ear and he softly coos, "That's not what you dick tells me."

"No, Kendall, please." James turns his face to his boyfriend and frowns sadly.

"Okay, okay. Sorry. I'm sorry." Kendall apologizes and zips him back up. "Seemed fun, but I'm sorry if it bugged you."

"It's fine," James sighs. "This move is a big deal. Maybe it's just starting to set in. I'm not sure."

"I get it," says Kendall. "It _is _a big deal. But we'll through it together. Promise! You'll love my family."

"I don't doubt that," James says. "But still."

"I know, I know." Kendall hugs him real tight, as best as he can. "Imagine how I felt when I went to the city. I didn't know anybody or anything."

"That's true." James turns to Kendall and kisses him on the nose. "At least I have you."

The plane lands in Wichita around 8:30. James tried to sleep during the flight but to no avail, so he's actively watching the window as they arrive. Kansas is unlike anything he has ever seen before. It's so flat! But the city is really beautiful. He didn't expect it to be so big.

"You don't live in this city though, do you?" James asks.

"No."

After the whole mess of baggage claim and whatnot, the boys are finally on their way home. They just need to catch a cab to Kendall's town.

"How far is it?"

"Like two hours."

"Two hours?!" James groans. He's groggy, sleepy and cranky and the thought of sitting in another vehicle for more time makes him upset.

"It won't be too bad."

As they leave the terminal, Kendall wheels his bag behind him and flags down a cab. They get in together and Kendall gives the driver an address. The prospect of the large fare puts a big smile on his fat face.

"As soon as we get home, you can go right to bed," Kendall tells James.

"Alright. That sounds good to me."

The city fades away before James has any chance of exploring it. He promises himself that he will come back to it later. Even though he's been aching for the country, he's still a city boy at heart and he can't deny his desire to stay there.

It's a silent cab ride, since everyone is tired and just wants to be home, the driver included. James holds onto Kendall's hand as if he's feeling unsure of his new surroundings. He keeps his nose pressed against the cold class of the taxi and watches city skyline fade to countryside. There is a lot of snow, but it's been there for a while and the roads are clear. It's actually a pretty pleasant ride.

"Nervous?" Kendall asks, only a few minutes away from home now.

"Why?"

"Meeting my folks."

"Only a little. If they are as nice as you have said, then I have nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, they're awesome." Kendall suddenly starts to sigh and closes his eyes. A small smile grows across his face. "I sorta wonder why I even left."

"Because you had a dream to pursue," says James. He watches farmland zoom by. "But it fell short."

"I guess," Kendall says.

The cab turns down a long driveway and follows it up to a house. It's a beautiful colonial, standing in the middle of a large expanse of acreage. Kendall pays the cabbie and they unload their bags.

"This is home," Kendall tells him with a smile. He looks at the house and notices there are no lights on. "They're probably asleep. Let's try to be quiet."

"Won't they want to know that we're home?"

"Nah, they get up early. I'd rather not bug 'em." Kendall heads up to the big, heavy wooden front door and unlocks it carefully, then steps inside and carries his bags upstairs. "This way," he whispers.

James follows behind and looks around. He's never been in a house that is decorated in that "rustic" sense. Everything is wood. Solid wood. There are old farm tools, metal stars, small candle holders and a couple other things that James can't quite make out in the dark.

They're immediately greeted by two animals. One is an old but excited Boston terrier, possibly a mix and the other…

"Is that a _pig?_" James asks in surprise, gawking at the fat little sow that Kendall is now petting.

"Yeah!"

"You have a pig?"

"Yeah. Well, my family does. This is Yuma." Kendall pets the pig on her head and smiles at James. He gestures to the Boston terrier and says, "This is Sissy."

"Interesting," James says uneasily. "And where's your room?"

"Up here. C'mon." Kendall picks his bags up again and heads upstairs. The animals follow up to his room. "Here." Kendall opens a door and reveals a real nice looking bedroom. There are two windows that look over the front yard but they're covered by light green curtains. Kendall has a full sized bed and a big armoire. There are posters of various guitarists, such as Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix tacked on the wall.

Kendall clicks on the light and locks the door. "We'll get up early and surprise my folks."

James stares at the pets, which are in the room with them, and frowns.

"What?" Kendall asks.

"They're uhhh, gonna sleep in here with us?" James asks nervously.

"Yeah. They're my buds." Kendall starts to take his clothes off, but James just stands there, still staring at the animals. "What?"

"A pig is going to sleep on your bed?"

"Yeah. Is that a problem?"

James shakes his head slowly. "N-no, it's fine. It's…how you live and I'm accepting of it." The brunet steps up to Kendall and kisses him lightly on the lips.

"Good," Kendall whispers. He takes James's face in his hands and kisses him. "I dunno how happy my mom will be if she wakes up 'cause we're boning, so maybe let's just lay low for tonight."

"That's fair," James agrees. He peels off his shirt and steps out of his pants. "I'm tired anyway."

"Me, too."

The boys climb into bed, which embraces them so comfortably that they almost instantly fall asleep. Between the pillow top mattress and the goose down duvet, Kendall finds peace at last. He can't even believe how he ever left this place. James pulls him into his arms and they fall asleep, cuddled together, in the bed that longed for their arrival.

* * *

"MY BOY!"

Their plans to get up early as a surprise do not fall through, since around 5am, Kendall's mother comes bursting into the bedroom, shouting with happiness. Kendall and James immediately shoot awake as Mrs. Knight(sigh) runs to the bed.

"Maaa," Kendall groans, rubbing his eyes.

"Kendall! Why didn't you tell me you were home?" The stocky blonde woman hugs her son real tight, smiling.

"We came home late. I didn't wanna wake you up."

"That's silly. Stop being so silly." She shakes her head then looks over at James. "And you must be the boyfriend."

"Yes," James says, followed by a yawn. He sits up in bed, smoothing his hair back, and smiles tiredly at Kendall's mom.

"He's adorable," Mrs. Knight says to Kendall.

"I know," Kendall laughs. He hugs James and puts his head on his shoulder.

"It's time for you boys to get up, alright?" Kendall's mother says.

"What? Already? Ma, c'mon," the blond groans.

"Yes, already."

"I'm not a teenager," Kendall says, laughing groggily.

"Let's get up," James suggests. Kendall nods, smiles, and rolls out of bed.

"I'm making breakfast," says Mrs. Knight.

"Who's eating with us?"

"Oh, just me and your father."

"Kevin's not home?"

"No, he's out until February."

"Okay, cool."

"Now get dressed and come down. Yuma! Sissy!" Kendall's mother calls for the animals and they head downstairs, leaving the two boys alone.

"Mom," Kendall says, shaking his head. "She's something else. I love her to death, but she forgets that I'm an adult now. I guess because I'm the youngest, I'll always have some form of babyhood assigned to me."

"Heh, yeah. I guess." James shrugs and smiles cutely. "Where's the bathroom?"

They get washed and dressed then head down the stairs, through the living room and to the kitchen, where a whole bunch of nice smells has been calling out to them. Yuma immediately trots over to James and starts sniffing at his shins. "Ummmm."

"What?" Kendall asks.

"Why is she smelling me?"

"'Cause that's what she does. She likes you a lot!"

Yuma starts nuzzling into James's legs, but he seems uncomfortable. He shuffles over to the table and takes a seat. Mrs. Knight, standing over the burners of the stove, prods a big platter full of bacon and laughs. "She really does!"

"Uh, right," James laughs sheepishly. He squints his eyes and watches what the mother is cooking. "Bacon?"

"Yep."

"You have a pig in the house and you're cooking bacon?"

"Well it ain't her bacon," Mrs. Knight says with a chortle. "Yuma is family. The pigs out back aren't."

James's face drops. "Wait, the bacon is from _your _pigs?"

"Yep, sure is." She takes a pair of tongs and starts pulling the fried meat off of the stove and onto a large, napkin lined platter.

"That isn't all you're having, right?" James asks nervously. He wets his lips and looks over at Kendall, who has been running back and forth, setting the table. Sensing his uneasiness, the blond pauses and asks, "You okay?"

"I don't eat bacon," James says.

Mrs. Knight almost screams. "What?! You don't eat _bacon_?! What 'n the heck do you eat?!"

"Ma, stop."

"Sorry, sorry. It's just…huh?! How does a guy go through life without eating bacon? Do you eat any meat?"

"Yes, of course," James explains, trying to sound reasonable. He feels put on the spot and he's nervous. His legs jiggle. "My religion doesn't eat pork, that's all."

"Huh," Mrs. Knight says. "So what am I supposed to feed you?"

James looks at Kendall, who has just sat down, and sighs loudly. "I-I don't know," he mumbles.

"Sorry," Kendall says. "I should've told mom beforehand. I forgot."

"It's okay."

Kendall's mother puts a few platters down on the table. The one is full of bacon, but the others have eggs, pancakes and hash browns.

"KEEEEEEEEEEEENT!" Mrs. Knight yells. As James stares at the food, worried about what he might be able to eat, Kendall's dad comes downstairs.

"Oh," he says. "You must be the boyfriend."

James looks back at the tall man. "Yes, I am." This isn't helping his nerves.

"Not bad," Mr. Knight says. He glances at Kendall and smiles then takes a seat. "But does he eat?"

"Yeah, he sure does," Kendall says. He starts piling food onto his plate. "James, go ahead and eat something."

James stares at the food on the table before him. It all looks great and smells amazing. Mrs. Knight takes a seat and starts putting bacon on her plate, too. Mr. Knight does the same. James watches them begin to eat and he grimaces.

"James," Kendall says quietly. "What's wrong?"

The brunet sighs calmly and smiles. "Nothing," he says. Yuma is still nuzzling at his ankles, even now that he's sitting. James picks up a fork and puts some of the bacon on his plate. He cuts it awkwardly and puts it into his mouth. "It's good."


	13. Chapter 13

"So ma," Kendall talks as he cleans up breakfast. "Where's Logan at?"

"Oh, he's moved into Wichita."

"What?" the blond puts down a scrub pad and looks back at his mother. "Why?"

"I don't know, sweetie," she says and shakes her head. James's eyes dart back and forth between the two people speaking. "He's renting a room somewhere downtown. I'm not sure what happened. His phone number hasn't changed I'm sure, so you should just call him."

"Gotcha," Kendall sighs and goes back to washing the dishes. "I will."

The clatter of the plates and silverware resonates through the kitchen, being the only sound for a while. James watches Yuma the pig walk back and forth from Kendall to his mom, obviously seeking more scraps. Kendall's mom notices James eyeing their unusual pet.

"She's cute, ain't she?" Mrs. Knight asks.

"I-I guess," James says. He's clearly unsure. "It seems weird."

"Why's that?"

"I mean, this is a pig. A pig is wandering your house."

"She's our pet."

"Isn't she dirty?"

Here, Kendall has to join in. He shuts off the tap and speaks as he dries his hands. "Pigs are actually cleaner than dogs."

"It's still weird," James says, but Kendall shrugs. He finishes cleaning and leads James back up to his room.

"Way better than the loft, right?" Kendall laughs.

"Yes. I slept great last night."

"So now that you're here, what're you going to do?" Kendall asks. "Not a lot of work out here, and have you even had a job?"

"No, not exactly," James admits timidly. He sits down on the bed and folds his arms, contemplating his future. Kendall pats his head.

"It's cool," he tells the brunet. "I can teach you how to help out on the farm, and if you just wanna do that for a while, ma won't mind."

James looks up at Kendall worriedly. An expression of horror falls upon him. "I have to slaughter animals?"

"No, I wouldn't ask you to do that," Kendall smiles. "But there's plenty else to do. Ever took care of horses?"

"I've never even ridden a horse."

"Really!"

"How would I?" James giggles a bit.

With a sudden sweeping movement, Kendall grabs James by the hands and pulls him from the bed and downstairs. "You gotta see my horse!" he calls out as they put on their boots and coats to go outside. James doesn't say much and goes along. Tiny flurries of excitement spread around his heart and into his stomach as they walk along a shoveled, gravel path. It cuts between several stables and around a bunch of wooden fences. The property is very large and James is quite impressed.

"Here're the horse stables," Kendall says, pointing out a long, wooden building. "Watch your step!"

The boys go through a swinging door and into the main length of the stables. It looks like most of the horses are inside, munching on feed and hanging out away from the snow. There are about seven or so inside. Kendall walks to the end and points out a red roan stallion as he grabs a saddle from the wall.

"This one is mine," he says, opening the gate. James feels a little nervous. "Well? You can come in. It's super gentle."

The brunet takes apprehensive steps inside the stall and looks up at the stallion, who is glaring back at him with big, round eyes. Kendall pets him on the head and James nervously does so as well. Once he makes contact with the horse he doesn't seem as scary.

"What's his name?" James asks quietly.

"Martin."

"Martin? That's a bit silly for a horse, isn't it?"

"I dunno. He looked like a Martin to me." Kendall giggles a little and goes around to Martin's side. He fits the saddle on him and starts to climb up. "Come with me."

"What?!" James gasps, opening his eyes real wide. "Are you kidding?"

"Nope. Come up here." Kendall situates himself and holds his hands out to James. "Just get up here. It's fine."

"Are you sure?" James's face turns bright pink.

"Ye-aah! I wouldn't have you do nothin' that would hurt you." He forces his hands out more, and finally James takes them. His body is hoisted up to the back of the saddle and Kendall helps him get comfortable by scooting forward. "Yep, that's great."

"The horse won't throw us off, right?" James asks timidly. He puts his thick arms around Kendall's lean waist and holds him tight.

"Nah. I know him better than that. Just relax, k?" The blond turns his head and kisses James on the lips real quick, then picks up the reigns and begins to direct Martin out of the stable.

It's wobbly and scary at first, but once they get out and begin to walk along the snowplow-flattened path, James gets the feel for it and starts to enjoy himself. Martin bobs up and down, clopping his hooves rhythmically. The air is brisk and cold but it feels good anyway. James holds onto Kendall tightly and nestles his face into the crook of his neck.

"Where are we going?" the brunet asks.

"Just around," says Kendall.

They follow the many paths throughout the farm and Kendall points everything out to James. He labels each building with its purpose and the occasional fact, ("this was built by my great grandfather" etc.) all of which James listens to attentively. His mind is still blown by the property in general. The sheer size is impressive, and when he considers how much time and effort must go into its upkeep, he is really amazed with Kendall's entire family.

"So what did Logan do, when he lived here?" James asks out of the blue, watching as they job past a barn.

"He didn't live _here_," Kendall answers, gesturing to his family's property. "He lived with _his _parents, three houses away. And he never did much. I know he wanted to go to school but no one in his family could really afford that."

"Oh," James says. "Um, so are you going to see him? In the city?"

"Probably. He's like my best friend anyway. I gotta see how he's doing."

"I see," James sighs. He holds onto Kendall a bit tighter, and the blond detects some jealously.

"We aren't like that," Kendall reassures him. "I promise. You're my guy, not him. He's just my best friend that I happened to date at one point."

"Right," James sighs again.

They carry on around the property for a bit longer until Kendall thinks it's getting too cold, so he brings Martin back to the stables and the boys return to the house.

"What do you do all day?" James asks.

"Whatever needs to be done," Kendall tells him. They go back upstairs and the blond flops on his bed. "The warmer months keep us way busier, but there's plenty to do in winter, too. We try to be as self-sufficient as possible here, so you can imagine it's not easy."

"Will you still play music?" James sits beside him quietly with his hands in his lap.

"Yeah! Of course. Music plays in my heart so I can't stop."

"But your guitar?"

"I have another. Sure it doesn't have the emotional mileage of the other, but it's still a working guitar nonetheless. Come here."

All at once, Kendall jumps up from the bed and leads James through a door in the corner. He thought it was a closet, but apparently it's another room, just attached to that one. Inside is what seems to be a makeshift recording studio.

"Oh, wow!" James gasps. He walks around the perimeter, checking out the instruments and gear. None of that stuff makes any sense to him.

"Yeah, been working on some songs," Kendall tells him rather nonchalantly, but James is beyond impressed. He whips his head around and leers.

"You turned your back on all of this to come to New York City?" he asks in astonishment.

"I did," Kendall confirms. He takes a seat at the table there and boots up an old desktop. Staring in thought, he mumbles "I guess I did."

"Wasn't that a bit silly?" James asks.

"It sorta was," Kendall says, looking up at his boyfriend now. "But I met you. Maybe that was destiny?"

"Maybe," James says with a smile.

"Here, listen to this." The blond holds out a pair of studio headphones and James puts them on. A song he's been working on plays and James smiles in approval.

"I like it," he says.

"Do ya?"

"Yes. It sounds good. You made it all in here?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have more?"

"Sure. A few. Here."

Kendall plays more of his work for James, who enjoys it all just the same. They carry on like that for a little while and James even starts to sing along. Unfortunately the moment is cut short when Kendall's father asks them to help him shovel snow around the front of the house.

"How hard can it be?" James asks.

"If you've never done it, maybe kinda," Kendall answers with a laugh. He playfully smacks James on the shoulder then runs downstairs and starts to get bundled up for the work. James does the same. Mr. Knight is already outside and the sound of his shovel scraping the ground can be heard, even through the front door.

When they boys get out there, the first thing the older man says is "We're expecting more snow tomorrow, so we need to get what's here out of the way." He tosses his son two shovels and Kendall gives one to his boyfriend.

"Shouldn't you just wait until all of it falls?" James asks innocently.

"Ya could, but they're sayin' maybe four more inches, and I ain't gonna shovel what, seven inches? Tell me how much fun that'd be." Kendall's dad laughs and starts to hack into the snow some more.

James begins to shovel as well, and he quickly learns that it's not as easy as it looks. He's lucky that he works out or it would almost be impossible. It's amazing to him how Kendall's thin body is so efficient at the task. Even under the layers of coat and scarf he looks fantastic. Just the way his curves carry him.

When the driveway and path up to the house is sufficiently cleared, the boys are dismissed and they go in for dinner. Kendall's mom has made some sort of pot roast dish in a crockpot, and the smell is incredible. James considers how this is "real American food" as opposed to the Jewish delicacies of the city that he's used to. The food is comforting in a way, but even more wonderful is the entire family dynamic.

"Smells great, honey," Kendall's dad says. He gives his wife a peck on the cheek and helps her bring the food to the table. Kendall offers to get everyone their drinks. Every step of his is shadowed by the pig and dog, which James is starting to adapt to. In a way the pig is cute. She snorts and huffs whenever she's pissed or interested in something, and her never ending amazement of the outsider is somewhat adorable. Throughout dinner, Yuma sits by James's feet, occasionally snorting at his ankles.

"Why does she do this?" James asks.

"She thinks you'll feed her table scraps," Mrs. Knight laughs. "Guests usually feed her a lot, so she'll be expectin' some from you."

"Oh," James frowns. "Do I have to?"

"Nah, I wouldn't worry about it."

"Ohh." He looks down at the pig, who has started to fall asleep. "She's really quite different, isn't she?"

"Oh, yeah!" Kendall joins in, stuffing a big bite of tender roast into his mouth. "But we love her."

Dinner carries on in that sort of manner, and when everyone is done, Kendall starts to clean up. James joins in at the sink.

"It's remarkable," the brunet says.

"What is?" Kendall asks, rubbing a plate with a scrub pad. He dunks it into a basin of rinse water and sets it on the drying rack.

"How your family gets along."

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Do you ever have fights?"

"Yeah sometimes, I guess. Nothing big though."

"It's very different," James says with a dreamy sigh. Kendall sets down the scrubber and turns to his partner.

"Different from what, yours?" the blond asks.

"Yes, exactly."

"How so?"

"My family is always arguing. Even at the table. Father says something and mother says it's wrong. They start bitching and then the whole fucking meal is ruined. It's always been like that. I'm sure they're fighting over why I left."

"Aw," Kendall coos and gives James a hug. "They're just difficult. Think about how lucky you are to be away from it."

"Yeah."

"Let's go to bed." Kendall closes the kitchen up and heads to his room. James follows behind gloomily. "I need to take a shower. You probably should, too."

"Right," James says with a sigh.

"We'll save water if we do it together." Kendall winks and yanks James to the bathroom. He puts down two fluffy towels and starts the shower. "James…"

"Hm?"

"What's wrong?" Kendall peels off his own shirt and steps out of his pants, but James just stands there and looks at himself in the mirror.

"Just thinking about our families," he mumbles.

"And? What about?"

"How different they are."

Kendall comes up behind James and gives him a hug. He starts to lift up his shirt and finally the brunet smiles a little. He goes along and gets undressed so they both can step into the shower, but the dismal mood remains.

"You're being kinda silly," Kendall says as he lathers up his boyfriend's chest.

"I am?"

"Just a little."

"Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize." His soapy hands run down his chest, across his abs and to his cock, which is hanging softly. "Obviously we're very different, but different can be good."

"I guess," James sighs.

"What?" Kendall washes James's genitals methodically and stares at him. "You think it's not good?"

"I never said that, but we are different, that is very true."

"Don't you like me? And being here?"

"Of course." James smiles finally. He moves a little closer to Kendall so that their bodies meet. "I love you. I love your family. I love everything about you. But we are different."

"I like being different. I don't wanna date me." Kendall laughs. "Maybe you'll feel better if we fuck?"

"I don't much feel like having sex right now. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Oh, okay." Kendall sighs on the inside. They finish up in the shower and get out, towel off, and head to bed. James puts on a pair of boxers and climbs under the covers, but Kendall goes in naked. He cuddles up to his boyfriend with his head on his chest. "James?"

"Yes?"

"You do love me, right?"

"Well yes, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

"Right, right. Just making sure." Kendall tries to smile and snuggles into James as he falls asleep.


	14. Chapter 14

"_You're home?"_

A text message wakes Kendall up in the middle of the night. Relieved to see that James is still asleep, the blond faces his nightstand and checks his phone, only to reveal that it's from Logan. He turns down the volume and taps a reply; "Yeah."

"_How long?"_ Logan writes back almost immediately.

"Til further notice."

"_Oh. Cool_."

"Where are you?"

"_Downtown_."

"Why?"

"_Working_."

"I want to see you."

"_When?"_

"I dunno."

"_K well let me know when."_

"Okay."

Kendall sighs and silences his phone. He senses some hostility with Logan, but then again it can be difficult to decipher the emotions behind a text message. He could be reading into it wrong; Logan did initiate the conversation after all. Either way he feels grumpy. He turns over and faces James again, who is still sound asleep. Kendall reaches out and lightly runs the back of his hand across James's hair, smiling to himself. _We are very different_, Kendall tells himself just then. _But I like different. _

"Ken…" James mumbles.

"Oh, gosh. I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?"

"A little." The brunet grunts and turns on his side to face Kendall. He blinks a few times as his eyes slowly open. "It's alright."

"Sorry."

"I said it's alright." James forms a smile with his mouth and snuggles up against Kendall. His arms wrap around the narrow waist and pull him close. "Can't you sleep?"

"Nah," Kendall sighs.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Kendall nestles his face into James's hair and kisses his scalp a few times. "Alotta things on my mind, that's all."

"Oh, I see. Can I help at all?"

"I don't think so."

"Okay," James sighs. He touches his boyfriend's back lightly, causing him to giggle from the tickles.

"James!" Kendall squeals.

"Did that tickle? _Sorry_," James says this with a sarcastic, naughty grin. He knows better, but he continues to tickle him.

"AH! James!" Kendall shouts again. James's tickling gets stronger as he rounds Kendall's waist, and the thinner boy cries out desperately. James sits up and tackles Kendall onto his back then mounts him.

"Jaaaames!" Kendall cries.

"Sh!" James hisses playfully. The blonde's shouts are loud enough to wake up the animals, and now Sissy and Yuma have woken up. The dog crawls to Kendall's face and starts to lick him.

"Not fair!" Kendall gasps. "You're supposed to be sleeping! You're _all _supposed to be sleeping!"

James laughs and finally stops tickling him, but he stays straddling his waist. Oddly enough, Kendall has a bit of a boner going. Still naked from when he went to bed, there's little chance of hiding it. James leans down and kisses Kendall on the lips, delicately moving the dog aside (to her great disappointment).

"Kendall," James whispers.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too." Kendall reaches up and takes both sides of James's perfect face in his hands and stares at him. "Fuck me?"

"Right now?" James asks.

"Please."

James nods and sets to work. He hoists Kendall's legs up and props them to his shoulders, spreading the pancake butt as best as he can. He takes a bit of lubricant (which is oddly in plain sight on the nightstand) greases his fingers and slides two inside. Kendall bucks against the sensation and groans, digging his fingers into his pillow. "James," he moans.

"Shh," James coos. After a few gentle thrusts with his fingers, he pulls out and replaces them with his firm cock. It goes in slowly and carefully, with a fine delicacy that Kendall will never be able to perfect himself. As the thick shaft slides inside, Kendall bites down on his lower lip hard and murmurs to himself. It feels so good. He loves James inside him and he loves being inside James.

They thrust and grind against each other in a methodical and rhythmic motion, both doing their best to control their noises. As orgasm approaches for James, this gets more and more difficult. The overwhelming sensation of Kendall's tight hole, clenching his cock with pleasure and passion drives him wild. He begins to slam against the blond harder, smacking his waist into his backside with a fury. Kendall's headboard thumps the wall in rhythm with his riding, and the bottom almost loses it. He cries out, now gripping his own cock, and shoots a long rope of cum across his chest. His cheeks turn bright red and he sighs, gasping. James, too, has reached climax. His humping immediately ceases and he drives his dick one final time into the hot ass. His load is released and he closes his eyes real tight.

"Shit," Kendall gasps.

"Ummm," is all James can reply with. He has to stop himself from drooling.

"Shit," Kendall says again.

"Mmm?"

"That was…too loud."

"They heard?"

"Maybe."

"Will your mother be mad?"

"_Maybe_."

Feeling embarrassed, the boys settle down into whispers and try to get back to sleep. It's an uneasy sleep, riddled with fear of Mrs. Knight yelling in the morning, but by the time five o'clock rolls around they've mostly forgotten. The repercussions however have not changed.

James and Kendall jolt awake from a rapid knocking on the bedroom door. Sissy starts to bark, just instinctively from the sound, but Yuma is less than pleased.

"Boys?" Mrs. Knight calls out.

"Huhhhh," is all Kendall can say. He moans and turns over. "Maaa?"

"Boys, can I come in? Are ya decent?"

The blond looks over at his boyfriend, who has also startled from his slumber, checks that he's covered by the blanket and tells him mother it's fine. She comes in with her hands on her hips, obviously already awake for some time.

"Now boys," she says quietly, pointing a finger at them. "I don't wanna hear you two goin' at it any more than y'all wanna hear your father and me."

Kendall swallows. "Good point. Sorry ma. It was an accident."

"Mmmhmm," his mother presses her lips together and chuckles, but it's hard to tell if she's happy about it. "Tone it down next time, okay?"

"Sorry ma," Kendall repeats. "We will."

She rolls her eyes and leaves the bedroom, but not before telling them to get up and help out. Kendall grumpily gets out of bed and starts to get dressed, but James remains tucked into the covers and watches. The blond boy's thin, creamy body is accented in the dim light from the window. He leans down to put a pair of boxer briefs on and James grunts to himself. Kendall's butt is flat, but it's soft and cute and James adores it. He pulls up the underwear and then a pair of pants.

"James, you gotta get up," Kendall softly tells him.

"Right, I am." The brunet gets out of bed and starts to dress as well. They shuffle their clothes in silence, surrounded by an unspoken embarrassment that is sure to pass within the day. Doing his best to ease any tense feelings, Kendall tells him that "she'll get over it, don't worry."

They head downstairs, closely followed by Sissy and Yuma, where Kendall's dad greets them and says they're shoveling more snow today. A couple inches fell overnight, as predicted, and they need to get the walkways cleared again. James still thinks they should have done it all today, but either way they need to work a lot today. The boys set to it, and before 10 am they've cleared most of it.

"Not bad, not bad," Mr. Knight says, putting his shovel against the wall of the house. "Let's see what your mom made us for breakfast, huh?"

Kendall nods and they all go inside. Pancakes and eggs are being set out on the table, and Mrs. Knight looks much happier now than she did earlier. James awkwardly takes a seat and stays silent, but Kendall is chatty as usual.

"I heard from Logan last night," he says.

"You did?" everyone asks, James in particular. He leers at Kendall suspiciously, wondering why he didn't tell him earlier.

"Yeah, says he's working downtown."

"Good for him," Kendall's mom says. She takes her seat at the table and begins eating. "He say what he's doin'?"

"Nah, I didn't ask."

Now the father joins in while James still looks on a bit angrily. "You gonna go see him?"

"Maybe, I'm not sure." Kendall pokes at an egg yolk. "I feel like he's mad at me for leaving."

"Why's that?" his mother asks.

"I dunno. Just a feeling."

"He's not mad," Mr. Knight groans. "Why would he? How could he? You aren't married."

"Probably should be," James mumbles.

"What's that?" Kendall asks, darting his eyes to him quickly.

"I said you probably should be," the brunet says loudly. His face turns bright red and the parents fall silent. It's awkward.

"Why would you say that?" Kendall asks.

"Because he's _all_ you've talked about since you got back!" James spurts out. He stands up and pushes his plate away gently. "I make the biggest change in my entire life, just for you, and all you can talk about is your friend who you used to date! Maybe you _should_ be married!"

"James, I didn't—"

Before Kendall can get a word in, the brunet huffs loudly and walks upstairs. Kendall turns to his parents and sighs. "What do I do?"

"Maybe he's right?" Mrs. Knight asks. "Have you been talkin' 'bout Logan that much?"

"I don't even know."

"Are you givin' James the attention he deserves?"

"I thought so."

"Maybe you should try and be a little more attentive to his needs?"

"Maybe." The boy takes his plate to the sink and sulks upstairs. Of course James is in his room, which is a bit counterproductive. Kendall opens the door and sees him lying in bed, curled up in a fetal position.

"James?"

"What."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be."

"I mean it, I really am. I'm sorry I've been talking about Logan, and I'm sorry if I haven't been the best boyfriend."

James rolls over slowly and looks up at Kendall. His face is red from crying. "You mean that?"

"Yeah of course. I should be _more attentive to your needs_."

"Come here."

Kendall gets down on the bed and James suddenly hugs him. They embrace tightly and James nuzzles his face into the crook of Kendall's neck, putting a few kisses on the milky skin. "Maybe I'm a bit high strung right now," the brunet admits.

"It's alright," Kendall tells him. "This is a big change for you. It'll take a long time to adapt."

* * *

A few days pass and James starts to feel better. Kendall has cooled off talking about Logan, and they haven't exchanged any further text messages (although this disappoints Kendall a bit). The harsh Kansas winter continues but James is adapting. Of course cold weather is by no means alien to him, but out in the Midwest things just feel different. The snow lays down such immense sheets that it's hard to fathom, but everyone out there has managed and James can, too.

"I'm going into the village center to pick up cigarettes," Kendall says. The last belt of snow has started to thaw, and he's going to take Martin.

"Really? You're going on horseback?" James asks.

"Yeah, it's not a big deal. I don't drive and Martin can use the exercise."

"How far away is it?"

"Not bad. You wanna come with?"

"I guess," James stutters. It will at least be nice to see more of the area.

They take the path back to the stables and get on Kendall's horse as before. James is a bit more comfortable this time, but the meandering of the animal's steps still set him on edge. It's cold today, though far warmer than it has been. James hooks his arms around Kendall's waist and holds on tight as they head into town.

It's a quaint space, much like the entire area, with a couple small stores and a few rickety restaurants that have truly stood the test of time. It's so old fashioned and simple they have ties for horses in front of the stores. James feels like he's playing the part in an old Western film; Kendall is like a cowboy and James is his bratty damsel in distress.

After dismounting Martin, Kendall leads James through an old wooden door of a corner store, where he picks up a pack of cigarettes.

"Need anything?" Kendall asks. James shakes his head and wanders down the few aisles inside. The floor creaks with each step and the whole room, which is barely bigger than his bedroom back "home" in New York. It all smells like pine and corduroy. The rustic beauty of the village has James somewhat enamored. With his hands in his pockets, he looks over the sundries on display; it would seem that a lot of locals make things then sell them there.

"Do you have a lot of tourists out here?" James asks.

"Fair amount," Kendall says. With his purchase complete, he snatches James by the arm and pulls him out before he can further examine the handmade dolls, candles, soaps, cards and candles.

"It's a whole new world out here," James says.

"Do you like it?"

"I do," James mumbles. He looks down the road and sees just a couple other people out and about. They all know Kendall and wave to him from afar, which the blond boy jovially returns.

"You wanna go for coffee?" Kendall asks. "Martin will be fine a little while longer."

"Alright, sure."

They go two stores down and pop into a coffee shop. It's very unlike the cafes that James is used to. There are no pre-printed signs, no mass produced logos and the prices are certainly lower. Kendall is greeted by a young woman behind the counter, who immediately begins to prepare drinks for them without even the order. James takes a seat along the window, looking out over the snow covered road. Dirty tire lines have pushed the frozen precipitation around, but most of it is still quite virgin. James considers how many cars even reside in the town.

"Here we go," Kendall says and puts a mug down in front of James, then also takes a seat with his drink. An actual mug, even. Nothing special; just a ceramic mug. It's cute. It's so cute. James takes a sip and is delighted at the smooth taste. "Like it?" Kendall asks.

"It's fantastic. Thank you."

"See?"

"See what?" James asks. He runs his finger around the rim of the mug.

"You'll adapt to life out here," Kendall goes on. He reaches out and places his slender fingers over James's. "It'll take some time, but you'll feel right at home."


	15. Chapter 15

Life carries on in that fashion for the remainder of winter. It's rough and it certainly isn't very fun, but James adapts and he starts to feel "right at home" as Kendall predicted. They master the art of quiet love making and turn it into a sometimes twice daily event. After all, shoveling snow and feeding animals isn't so bad when you come back to a warm body to snuggle with.

They fall in love more. James wakes up every morning and puts a kiss on Kendall's forehead, followed by a sweet "I love you." This is every day without fail. Kendall usually sleeps through it but occasionally stirs and is able to return the sign of affection.

The only thing James hasn't been able to adapt to is Yuma; the pet pig still bothers him. He doesn't want this to be so, but there's something about having live swine in the house that irks him. But good news; winter thaws and Sissy and Yuma start to play outside more. The pig has a strong desire to get into mud, as one would expect, and this makes the Knight's more inclined to keep her out of the house.

"Everything starts being sown today," Kendall says as he gets dressed. The final frost is over and it's time to get the farm active for the growing months. It's still fairly cold and the boys have long pants and jackets on, but the air feels nice when they step outside. Even though it's been warming up slowly, knowing that winter is over makes the change in season more dramatic.

One of Kendall's brothers, Kevin, has been home for a few months now. He's not very comfortable with James, (he's never been on good terms with any of his brother's boyfriends) but he's doing his best to cope. Kevin and Mr. Knight are already down in the fields, so Kendall and James head down that way, followed closely by Yuma.

A whole bunch of strange equipment is laid out and they're getting to work. It's alien to James; so, so alien. He struggles a great deal with the work, and Kevin often teases the two of them.

"It's just because I'm the youngest," Kendall reassures James. "They're always the butt of the joke."

"Do you think so?" The boys get out of earshot and discuss this a bit further. James seems distraught. "It has nothing to do with your sexual orientation?"

"Think they'd be that cruel? Ma doesn't mind, why should Kevin?"

"He keeps saying you and the dog should switch names."

"He always says that."

"It's not very nice," James sighs and kicks at the ground, but Kendall shrugs it off.

"Don't worry about it. Do you wanna take a little break?"

"Yes."

Kendall takes James's hand and leads him down to the stables. There's a spot that he wants James to see, now that all of the snow is gone and it's more pleasant to ride. They both get on Martin and head off, away from the farm.

"How far?" James asks, holding onto Kendall securely.

"Eh, not bad. Won't take too long."

The horse carries them down the main route to the houses. This is like going into town, but they turn in the opposite direction. A lot of people are out today. They pass a couple cars and even a few more horses. James has adapted to the simple way of living, but it's still sometimes daunting to consider how different it is. Most people from the city would probably never dream that life was still lived on horseback out here.

The ride is nice. They trot down a path leading to bit of trees. As they get closer, James suddenly realizes that it's a great many trees. Rocks are built up in jagged displays, surrounded the greenery.

"It's part of a park," Kendall says. Martin gets up to the trees and they slow down. Kendall climbs down, helps James as well and they tie the horse to a trunk. James walks around with his hands in his pockets, marveling that this even existed so close to the farm.

"It's so beautiful," the brunet sighs.

"Yep, but not much fun when the weather's cold. Come on." Kendall runs ahead and signals for James to follow. Small, cliff-life formations in the tan rocks grow up to about ten feet or so, all in a crater shape around something big in the middle. As naturally as breathing, Kendall springs onto the rocks and begins to climb them.

"Um, how high are you planning to go?" James asks nervously.

"Not bad. Just up here." Kendall smiles and looks over his shoulder at James, who is still on the ground. "Well come on."

With little other options, James sighs real loud and starts to head up the rocks as well. They're very rugged and bumpy, so slipping isn't very likely. His hands grab edge after edge, searching for a foothold then bouncing higher. There's a flat space in the center where Kendall stands, but James is a little nervous and stays on his knees when he gets there.

"Look. It's safe."

Within the circle of stone is a small lake. The rocks incline very graciously down to the water, and there's even a ring of grass between. James carefully gets to his feet and starts to head towards the lake once he realizes that it's perfectly safe. It doesn't even feel so high off the ground now, and by the surface of the water it isn't. They're back on their regular height.

"A bit cold to swim, isn't it?" James asks.

"Yeah, but soon it'll be warm enough soon." Kendall turns around real quick and smiles at James. He's been getting more sun on his face lately and his freckles are really coming out.

"What? Why are you smiling so much?" James asks.

"'Cause I'm looking at you." Kendall walks up to his boyfriend and hugs him real tight. James exhales happily and puts his arms around Kendall's waist. He pulls him close and they embrace for a while. Some sort of eagle flies overhead, making a high pitched cry as it goes.

"Life is very difficult out here," James mumbles. "But I'm tolerating it with you."

"You are? You sure?" Kendall asks. He looks up at James now.

"I'm doing the best I can," James says. He tries to smile but it just looks sad.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, it is _very _difficult."

"I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault."

"I know, but still."

James leans down a bit a puts a kiss on Kendall's lips. They both close their eyes and hold onto that moment for a bit. Although the kiss isn't especially passionate, it heats Kendall up. He breaks away and looks around. "There's nobody here," he says. "We could, you know."

"I know what?"

"Ugh, don't be so dense. We could have sex right here."

"Right here? Out in the open like this?"

"Mhm. Nobody's here! It's cool. I wanna. Don't you?"

"Um. I'm not so sure."

"It'll be fun." Kendall leers at James naughtily and slides down to his knees. He unzips James's fly and starts to rub him through his boxers. James doesn't protest. He keeps watching the scenery in case someone shows up; darting his head from side to side with a nervous expression on his face.

"This is just part of a bigger lake, but it divides through those rocks over there." Kendall uses his free hand to point across the water, where the ring of rocks is slightly open, just enough to let the water pass through. "If anybody is here, they'll be over there. Most people don't want to climb up here. It's always save to fuck here."

"Always? You mean…"

Kendall keeps rubbing the growing erection. He looks up at James and notices that he's grown rather sour in the face. "What's wrong?" the blond asks.

"This is a place you've had sex a lot?" James asks quietly, thinning his lips.

"Well, yeah. Is that bad?" Kendall raises his great eyebrows high on his forehead. His boyfriend's cock stops its hardening and falls soft.

"Let me guess; Logan."

"Yeaaah, but not recently."

"Stop." James pulls his hips away from Kendall and zips up. "I don't want to taint your Kogan ground."

"What?" Kendall slumps his shoulders and stares up at his partner worriedly. This sudden behavior change is upsetting and he's not sure how to handle it. "I used to date him. We had sex. I mean, it's not that big of a deal."

"But you always compare me to him! You do things with me that you did with him! Can't I be different?"

"James, there isn't much out here to do. And the things I did with Logan were things I liked doing. They were fun with him and they're fun with you."

"I just want to go back," James mumbles. He shudders and walks back up to the top of the rocks.

"But, James...James!" Kendall gets to his feet but doesn't move; he just watches James drag himself away. Why does he have to be so testy? Things were going great. He loves James so much, and not once had he really compare him to Logan. They are totally, completely different people. They can't possibly rival each other, and at the end of the day James is better because he is still there. And Kendall doesn't want to be friends with James, where he is quite happy with Logan as such.

That doesn't mean he won't still remember the good times. He looks over the water and sees Logan and himself playing in it. Those long summer days when they just wanted to be together forever. They would go down to that lake and alternate between skinny dipping and lying out in the sun. It ultimately turned into a day-long fuckfest, and that was just alright. Logan was always a bit of a thrill seeker, and he'd find all the craziest places and ways to have sex. Kendall didn't want to divulge those details to James, obviously, but they had done it all over the place.

"James, come on," Kendall calls out. "I just want to share this beautiful moment with you."

The brunet slows down and comes to stand still, his back still facing Kendall. He looks up, pondering, then finally walks back to him. "Okay," James says. A tiny smile grows on his face. "Maybe we can try. But I don't want to hear about Logan anymore, right?"

"Right," Kendall agrees.

"And I'm going to fuck you, right?"

"Right," Kendall winces a bit with that answer.

All at once, James throws his arms around Kendall and pulls him close for a hot kiss. Kendall moans against him and brings his hands to his chest, groping the cloth, desperate to get underneath. With shaky, nervous yet aroused movements, James pulls off Kendall's jacket and then his shirt, revealing the slender, pale chest beneath. His hands feel Kendall's torso all over. They touch the front of his chest then roll around to his back, tracing his shoulder blades, across his tattoos and down his spine to the slight curves above his hips. Kendall cries out against James's mouth. He loves to dominant the brunet, but giving up the control can be fun, too. Even though the power trip he gets from seeing James's massive, sexy body fall prey to his leaner build, he has to be honest with himself and admit that James is hot to submit to.

James pulls Kendall's pants down. The blond shivers from a bit of cold, also feeling almost self-conscious since James is still fully clothed and he's now naked.

"Get on the ground," James whispers.

"Okay," Kendall mutters back, staring up at him with his green globes sparkling. He gets on his hands and knees, sticking his flat-yet-cute butt high into the air. James stares at him like a piece of meat as his takes his cock out of his pants.

Kendall has learned to be prepared when it comes to these situations and has a few little packets of lubricant in his pocket, which he tosses back to James. The brunet applies it liberally to himself and a bit on his finger around Kendall's asshole, sending small shivers down his spine from the cold.

"Ready?" James asks in a rough, sultry whisper.

"Yeah."

Grass runs between Kendall's fingers as he grips at the ground, sending a long, drawn out moan rolling between his lips. James eases his throbbing cock inside the tight hole and groans. He starts to rock his hips, moaning with each movement, and holds Kendall's slender, curvy waist with both hands. Being out in the open like this turns James on more than he thought it would. Feeling the light air of the natural world embrace them as they make sweet love on the grass is incredible.

"Oh my God," James gasps. He makes his strikes long; diving deep into Kendall so that their testicles touch, then sliding so far out that the lip of his cockhead almost shows. Kendall presses his eyes closed and moans desperately, craving the sensation to increase.

"It's so good," the blond whimpers. His hands dig into the ground harder and he uproots a bit of brittle grass. Dirt gets under his fingernails and he cries out in ecstasy. But for some reason, he doesn't see James. His eyes are closed and he sees Logan, instead. He hears his soft voice calling, "Kindall, I love you…"

"Stop!" Kendall shouts. He relaxes his grip and looks back to James, who has suddenly slowed down his thrusting and shoots his partner a confused frown.

"What's wrong?" James asks.

"I-I dunno," Kendall mutters. His erection has quickly become limp. "I guess I can't focus."

"All of the sudden like that?"

"Yeah, I dunno. Sorry."

"Could I please just get my nut out?"

"I-I guess…" Kendall sighs to himself and allows James to finish.

"It won't take long, I promise." James digs himself into Kendall once more and swiftly delivers thrusts. There's no beating around the bush now, and he power humps him until his orgasm engorges him entirely. His head rocks back on his shoulders and he cries out happily, but Kendall is just staring at the ground, wide-eyed. How come memories of Logan had to show up just then? Like that? Logan never even stuck his dick in Kendall, why did he think of it then?

"Are you okay?" James asks, huffing and puffing as his climax falls. He gently pulls himself out of his partner and lies beside him. "You look horrified."

"I dunno," Kendall says, still staring. He slowly gets up and starts to put his clothes back on. There's something amiss within those green eyes.

"Was it my fault?"

"No, no, no. It's not. Don't worry about it." Kendall gets some life back in his face and he looks at James with a tiny smile. "It doesn't matter."


End file.
